Up and down like a yoyo

first, i went down with the news that i would need a radical nephrectomy. such a scary term for a terrifying procedure. it meant i needed my kidney removed and would have to function for the rest of my life with just one kidney.

then, i went down some more when the biopsy of the tumor removed with the kidney came up positive for carcinoma.

but the news that surgery successfully took out all the malignant cells in my right kidney region lifted me right up.

yet the results of the bone scan showed traces of metastasized cancer cells in my left lung and possibly my bone structure. what a downer!

then i went to see dr jimmy, my alt med guide, and he confirmed that i had 2 small tumors in my left lung, but my bone structure was free of cancerous cells. although he did say that there were pre-cancerous cells. somehow, he gave me confidence that i could be cured of cancer. i took that with me to the Blessed Sacrament, and the Lord raised my spirits.

when i saw the oncologist in makati med after 2 weeks of the operation, he was very concerned about the cancer cells in my left lung. when i inquired about the findings in my bone structure, he said that these could possibly be explained by arthritis. my spirits fell on his apparent concern about my left lung, but were buoyed by his interpretation of the bone structure findings.

he wanted to aggressively start immunotherapy within a week to treat my left lung. when he told us the cost, i realized there was no way i could afford it, and that depressed me somewhat, though i clung to the Lord's promise that He would be with me.

the onco said he still had to look at my bone scan pix, and i would have to see him within a week. i went back to him on 15 jun, and his focus had changed. he told us that the tumors in my left lung were too small to be verified by a biopsy, and that he was more worried about the findings in my bones. i was confused with his change of focus. however, i found new reason to hope because i felt he was discounting the lung cancer, but was also discouraged that he was now concerned about the findings in my bones.

the onco asked me to have another ct scan, this time focusing on my right arm. i had one and last monday, 22 jun, he looked at the results and consulted with the radiologist. he told me that the ct scan results were inconclusive. even the doctor in radiology recommended that i go through an mri so they can have a finer view of what was in my bones. the fact that the ct scan results were inconclusive, gave my spirits a boost, even if the onco looked a bit disappointed.

so yesterday, i had an mri at makati med to find out with closure (i hope) what it is, or rather, where it is, that ails me.

in the meantime, last monday, i went shopping for new clothes. since i entered the hospital on 16 apr, i had lost 30 lbs, bringing my weight to 170. that frightened me, but cris said, how could i gain weight with the diet i had consisting of veggies and brown rice? anyway, last week i had gained 5 lbs, and i felt good about myself. i decided i didn't want to look like a walking clothes hanger any longer.

i went to sm makati and bought me 4 pairs of pants, but didn't see any shirts i liked. 3 of my pants have 36-in waists. my jeans has a 34-inch waist. physically, i look almost as i did 25 years ago.

during our vacation in la union, i took in as much sun as i could, so my color has deepened and gone back to my dark brown complexion. gone is the hospital pallid pallor. i went to our hairdresser and got a good haircut. as a friend commented, a haircut with attitude. i've taken to using different types of hats and going around with my shades. i am going to enjoy this while it lasts!

that's life as benjie these days, as a yoyo, though a better looking one than the prior version.