Love of my life

cris' birthday today. i would have liked to write a beautiful poem, or sketch her portrait. but i wouldn't dare write a poem. too late to make a nice sketch. so, here's a little something to let the world know what and who cris is to me.

1.cris is a colleague

before cris was anything, she was a colleague. i met her when i was hired by sgv as an systems analysis and programming instructor at the institute of advanced computer technology, or 'i/act'. i had had about 7 years experience by then, working in 5 or 6 different companies. i/act was cris' first job out of the u.p. college of engineering, where she majored in chemical engineering. she ended up with sgv because she was offered a scholarship in i/act to study programming and later, to work with sgv.

when i arrived in the company, i found several people whom i knew from college, or who were friends of friends. i felt like i belonged, and i showed it. cris and the other newly-graduated instructors found me loud, brass, and mayabang. guilty on all counts. it was not a very promising start for our relationship.

but from the first time i saw her, i found something special in cris. maybe it was her intelligence. she was after all, a scholar in u.p. and in i/act. i never even got a whiff of a scholarship blown my way. she had studied chemical engineering. in high school, the one experiment what got me noticed by my chemistry teacher, my duhat wine, hardly the product of a serious student.

cris was from baguio, which in those times, i considered a hick town. i was from tuguegarao, which was even more rural than baguio. she spoke english well, which is always something that impresses me.

and though she had very little knowledge of high fashion and wore clothes that belonged more in baguio than in makati, i found her very pretty. she had a nice, sexy figure; not thin, not stout either. and she had a nice, pert ass, which i secretly always watched as she walked across the room.

2.cris is a friend

despite my behavior which cris found obnoxious, we co-existed in the office. however two things brought us closer together.

first, i developed a debt of gratitude to her for saving my life. it happened during an office outing to a beach in batangas. we had walked some distance away, and decided to go for a swim. because i was a former president of our swimming club in la salle, i naturally wanted to show off.

after 10mins, about 30 yards from the rocks from where we started from, i developed cramps. cris had to tow me back to shore. that's when i admitted that i was elected president of the swimming club by my classmates whom i all defeated at billiards. it had nothing to do with my swimming skills.

she never told anyone about the embarrasing incident, for which i have always been grateful. and following the chinese adage that if you save someone's life, you have to take care of them for the rest of their lives, i attached myself to cris. if she saved me once, she would definitely do it again.

the second factor in our developing friendship was that i became her supervisor. at that time, i was made the course development manager for i/act, which meant that i was in charge of coming up with the manuals used in the individualized instruction courses we offered. cris was assigned to upgrade the cobol manuals being used. i would work out the detailed outline of the manuals with her and the other course developers, and oversee their development of the manuals.

as it turned out, i not only became her mentor at work, i became one of her mentors in life. one of the things that intrigued me about cris, was that despite her being a probinsyana, she was smart and pretty. she lacked the sophistication of the city-bred, but i believed that she merited more attention from men than she was getting. she didn't have a boyfriend, and she didn't have any suitors. which i thought was pretty strange.

so i thought to bring about a slight transformation in her to make her more attractive. i'd give her some advice about make-up and clothes. i knew more than a little about make-up and how to apply it because in high school, it was a great way to be able to get close to the girls and engage them in conversation. naturally, talk about make-up was just supposed to be a door-opener.

cris also wore clothes that marked her as a girl from the provinces. she'd wear blouses with slightly puffed-up sleeves, or round-necked dresses with lace or frilly collars. her skirts reached to below the knees, at a time when women were wearing mini-skirts. i thought she looked like an american bobby-soxer from the 50's, without the bobby socks.

i'd make suggestions on what clothes she should wear, but i never made much headway in that department. she still prefers flowery dresses. she'll only buy power coats and skirts when i force her to.

i had more luck in the make-up department. she started experimenting with the guidance of her best friend marissa. i felt good about being able to encourage her in that.

on her part, she made me feel like someone who deserved to have as a friend. she'd encourage me to join nights-out with our friends or go to office parties. she would never really stay by me, but she would make me feel like she wanted me to be there. it wasn't that she was attracted to me; she's just that type of person.

at times, i would treat her and a few friends to dinner at nice restaurants. when payday was nearing, i'd have run out of cash, and she would treat me to lunch in the office canteen. for me, it was a good deal.

one time, she probably felt i needed a good woman in my life. she arranged a blind date for me in one of my favorite restaurants, schwarzwalder. imagine my surprise and amusement, when my date turned out to be marissa, cris' best friend in i/act. marissa and i had a good laugh over it, and we enjoyed our date.

for awhile, i was seriously considering going after marissa. she was very pretty, intelligent (a u.p. graduate), drove her own car, and was fun to be with. but i knew i had to make a choice then and there. if i went after marissa, it would be goodbye to any possibility of getting next to cris. i picked cris. (sorry, marissa. nothing personal or wrong about you. but to me, you were a friend. i wanted cris as my lover.)

3.cris is a lover

i considered cris my lover even before she knew i had any designs on her. the more i saw her, the more i wanted her. but i held back for about 4 years, because i felt that if i went after her, and she responded positively, i would end up marrying her. i didn't feel that i was quite ready to get married yet.

still, i couldn't just stay away from her. i started to invite her to my pad in makati, properly accompanied by marissa or one of our other friends, of course. though once in awhile, she trusted me enough to come by herself. i would prepare dinner for us, which impressed her cause she can't even fry an egg without it ending up in the trash can. i'd cook steaks, pork chops, salads, pasta.

once i even prepared kare-kare, without using a prepared mix. i toasted and ground the rice myself, so with the peanuts. it was reeally good, but i found it too tiring and i've never done it again.

they would bring dessert, usually a cake or ice cream. we'd listen to music and just talk.

then, she got a scholarship to go to japan for 6 months to study computer technology. in order to get ready, she had to take a nippongo course. after her class, i would pick her up at about 9pm, and bring her home.

having travelled myself, i told her about my travels so that she might be able to pick up tips and techniques she might find useful in japan. i doubt she ever did because cris isn't the sort of person to resort to the tricks i used in my travels. but anyway, it served to impress her about my worldliness. at least, that's what i hoped.

graduating from advice about make-up and fashion, i began to advise her about dating and relationships with men. cris had this old-fashioned idea that a nice girl only went out with men she was serious about. i asked her how she knew who she should to be serious about unless she met other men first. it was a take on the old adage, 'to find your prince charming, you have to kiss a lot of frogs first.' i told her she would only be able to pick the right person to get married to, if she had a good basis for comparison.

i was taking a chance right there because if she went out with a lot of guys, she might find one better than me. but as i said, mayabang ako. and if she did find someone better than me, i would definitely give her my blessings because that would be a rare bird indeed.

before she left, i gave her a teddy bear to keep her company, cause that was the one thing she was worried about; that she would be on her own in japan. we must have written each other while she was away, but i don't really remember. i don't have any letters in my files, and she's never shown me one she had received from me while she was abroad.

when she came back after 6 months, she was a bit different. i wasn't surprised because travel will usually mature you in many ways. she told me about her adventures, even her dates with guys, which of course, didn't please me at all, despite all my advice to her. on my part, i hadn't been exactly living a chaste existance, so i couldn't complain.

it wasn't until i had my 35th birthday that i decided it was time to get married, and i only had cris in mind. sayang siya. baka maunahan pa ako.

one day in october 1985, we decided to go out as a twosome with lilet, a housemate of hers, who was celebrating her birthday, and ac, a guy who was kinda sweet on lilet. the legend was we would chaperone them because it was to be their first date. we went to the billboard bar on makati ave (don't bother looking for it now. it's long gone.) since it was still early, we had the place practically to ourselves.

a few minutes after entering the place, ac took lilet to the farthest corner of the disco and talked to her earnestly. she asked, 'so, what shall we do?' i said, 'we'll talk too.' she goes, 'about what?' i couldn't believe she had no idea of my interest in her. i said, 'about us, of course.' she's shocked, 'about us??? what do you mean?' plain and simple, i said, 'will you be my girlfriend?'

coming from where she was, you can imagine what a long and puzzling conversation we had. puzzling, on her part; frustrating on mine. why couldn't she accept that i was interested in her as more than just a friend. i'll spare you the burden of knowing what we said to each other. enough for you to know that she was surprised, confused, incredulous, bothered, and bewildered.

i felt i had to really press the issue. if i gave her too much time to think about it, there was a good chance she would come to her senses and turn me down. i told her i was giving her 10 days to think about it. if she accepted me, great. if she rejected me, i would be out of her life forever. she would never see me again. knowing my history of changing jobs as easily as i changed my clothes, she believed i would do it too. i'd get back to her after that to find what her answer was. 'yes' or 'no', that's all i wanted to hear.

she couldn't totally take in everything that was happening. we started out the evening as friends, chaperoning a couple of other friends. now, here i was, supposedly one of her best friends, giving her just 10 days to decide whether or not to enter into a serious relationship with me.

and where did i get the 10 days grace period from? well, i remembered that my father courted my mother in 11 days, after which she completely fell for him. if he could do that, 16 years the senior of my mom, a widowed military man with 10 legal children, i felt i could do it too to someone 11 years my junior. besides, i really didn't want to give cris the luxury of time. i've always believed speed in offense will win the day.

but i'm sure you're dying to know how cris is as a real lover. well, 6 children should be enough proof. and i have to say, it wasn't always me making the first move.

4.cris is a wife

we were married on 3 mar 1986. we wanted a small, private wedding, so we scheduled the ceremony at 8am, at the u.p. chapel, which i had always liked. it was a monday morning, so we didn't expect a lot of officemates to show up, especially since we only gave them about a week's notice, and edsa 1 was in full swing, shutting down edsa. but a lot of people made it, which was a very pleasant surprise for cris and i. it always surprises me when i'm shown proof that people actually like me. probably because i know myself too well.

frank, sgv principal and ceo of i/act. was there. so was fides and her husband, benjie. bonnie margaret and her husband, mon, came with my good friend ime (i knew she wouldn't miss this affair), lilet, and many others. my mom and my brothers were all present, with their girlfriends at the time. cris' mom and sisters were there with their husbands and children. our extended families were in attendance too.

we had the reception at my uncle toots' garden in his house in magdalena rolling hills, just off broadway st. it was great because the presidential table was set under a huge mango tree which had lots of tiny flowering butterfly orchids. my aunt, tita fely, was pleasantly surprised at the flowers because she said they only came out once a year, and they decided to come out exactly at our reception.

it was a wonderful and most meaningful wedding.

when we started out, i would do the marketing with cris trailing behind me. she didn't want the market vendors talking to her, mistaking her for the one responsible for the marketing. she let me pick the meat and the veggies.

back home, i'd cook the meals. she would wash the dishes. i hated cleaning the house, so she did it. i didn't like washing clothes either, and didn't want her doing it, so we'd bring our dirty clothes to my mom's house so the help could launder and iron them for us.

over the years, cris has been very supportive of me. i made her practice her driving, tho she wasn't that excited about it. we had a 20-year old mercedes benz, the only car we could afford. before she felt she was ready to drive on her own, i was assigned to bangladesh for 2 months, so she had to manage by herself, while nursing our child. when i came back, she picked me up at the naia, driving the car. cool!

while i was gone, cris had to arrange for the purchase of my former pad from the owners. she had to go through the hassle of making sure the papers were okay, of arranging for a loan, and for getting the title transferred to us.

when we had to do a major renovation of the house 4 years after we bought it, i had to leave for another project abroad for 4 months. cris had to oversee the renovations while living in the construction site itself. i came back, the renovations were 95% done, and cris vowed she would never go through that again.

yet, she did go through it one more time, but this time, i had the good sense to stay at home. i didn't want to test the limits of her patience.

5.cris is a cheerleader

in business, i've been a ... how can i say this diplomatically... an abject failure. i've entered into so many different ventures and have lost a bundle. in between, and after i left sgv, i worked for a few more companies, but i never did well, because i never learned to get on well with my superiors. i've done i.t. consulting with mixed results. i'd do well in one project only to fail in the next.

yet, cris was always there ready to support me, giving me advice when i asked for it, helping me figure out the finances of my ventures. of course, after a while she quit doing the numbers because she saw they were hopeless.

cris had to bear the brunt of my business and employment failures. it came to the point where she told me to just stay at home because when i worked, i'd come home irritable and quarrel with everyone in the house. she preferred that i stay with the children cause i knew how to play with them.

we used to really quarrel quite a bit until she decided that having me as a husband and father of our children was more important to her than my making millions. on my part, i mellowed down, for how can you not, given such obvious love and devotion from your wife. i'm a much nicer person because of cris.

6.cris is a doctor

ever since we started our family, cris has been the doctor of the house. she remembers all the instructions of the doctors we consult with. she even understands what they say, which is something i could never do. (everytime i listen to a doctor, i feel like an alien who has just arrived from the planet pluto.) she knows what medications to give to the children for what illness, even before she calls up matett, our pediatrician friend. she's even apt to offer medical advice to our friends, which always makes me cringe, until i remember she'll never be slapped a malpractice suit cause she's not a licensed doctor anyway.

you've already read in my previous blog posts how she has been nurse and doctor to me in my condition. without her, i will say without exaggeration, that i would probably be a wasted relic by now.

she makes sure my supply of medication is adequate. she sorts out the various pills and capsules i have to take after every breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and sometimes, in between. she (blush! blush!) administers the enema i need to have.

and when i feel down, she lifts up my spirits. she never shows she's bothered about my illness. no matter what the doctors say about my condition, she gives me a happy smile and tells me, 'you're fine. you're ok.' i say she's the best human doctor i can have.

this blog post is my birthday surprise for cris. it is my first blog i did not let her edit.

happy birthday, dear. thanks for your patience, your simplicity, your humility, and your love.


yoyo update clarification

i think my last yoyo update got a lot of you worried about me, specially the part about the mean average lifetime of 5.67 months.

i've known about that statistic since i got out of the hospital, or something close to it. it's nothing new. it's a statistic. don't let it worry you. it wasn't my intention to do that; i was just saying that's what i got from the web.

just keep on praying for me and for everyone you love.

Yoyo update

the yoyo has gone down again.

this morning, i picked up the reading of the mri i had last thurs. naturally, i was completely at sea by the time i had read 4 words, 'intermedullary enhancing soft tissues...' so, skipping the next 3 sentences, i came to the short and sweet summary: 'osseous metastasis, scapula and humerus'.

i deduced that the cancer had indeed metastasized to my scapula and my right arm (assuming that 'humerus' had nothing to do with my wit).

subsequent surfing found a paper written by doctors in taiwan. skipping the parts that didn't make sense to me, i found the words 'osseous metastasis' connected with 'pain' and 'skeletal debilitation'. quoting further, '...the mean survival time between bone metastasis and death was 5.67 months'. yikes!

after reading the results of the mri, cris and i had a 2-hour wait for our consultation with a top oncologist from singapore, which was arranged by cris' boss. the objective of the consultation was to obtain a 2nd opinion on the diagnosis of my illness.

we had forwarded my medical results to the doctor the previous week, so he had time to familiarize himself with my case. when we were seated, he immediately told us about 'nexavar' and 'sutent' (i hope i got the names right), which he said were the gold standards for treating renal cancer.

his own treatment is entirely different and still controversial, although he had successfully treated some patients with it. it would cost only a little more than half of what nexavar and sutent would cost. however, it would require a monthly visit to his clinic in singapore, for probably the rest of my life. maybe, we should just migrate to singapore or malaysia.

he told me i could try nexavar or sutent first, if i wanted to because they are the more popular and tested medications. he told me to think it over and then, get back to him. i figured that his saying this meant i still had the luxury of time to test the gold standards first, before going for his treatment. remember, i hadn't yet surfed 'osseous metastasis' at that point.

back in the car, i was chuckling to myself. cris asked me what was so funny. i said that before we left, the doctor had told me not to lose hope. i found it funny because even if he had said there was no chance of my being cured, i wouldn't lose hope at all. faith and hope were the only things that kept me going. i couldn't lose either one at all.

so that's life as benjie, yoyo-ing down the road of life.

Up and down like a yoyo

first, i went down with the news that i would need a radical nephrectomy. such a scary term for a terrifying procedure. it meant i needed my kidney removed and would have to function for the rest of my life with just one kidney.

then, i went down some more when the biopsy of the tumor removed with the kidney came up positive for carcinoma.

but the news that surgery successfully took out all the malignant cells in my right kidney region lifted me right up.

yet the results of the bone scan showed traces of metastasized cancer cells in my left lung and possibly my bone structure. what a downer!

then i went to see dr jimmy, my alt med guide, and he confirmed that i had 2 small tumors in my left lung, but my bone structure was free of cancerous cells. although he did say that there were pre-cancerous cells. somehow, he gave me confidence that i could be cured of cancer. i took that with me to the Blessed Sacrament, and the Lord raised my spirits.

when i saw the oncologist in makati med after 2 weeks of the operation, he was very concerned about the cancer cells in my left lung. when i inquired about the findings in my bone structure, he said that these could possibly be explained by arthritis. my spirits fell on his apparent concern about my left lung, but were buoyed by his interpretation of the bone structure findings.

he wanted to aggressively start immunotherapy within a week to treat my left lung. when he told us the cost, i realized there was no way i could afford it, and that depressed me somewhat, though i clung to the Lord's promise that He would be with me.

the onco said he still had to look at my bone scan pix, and i would have to see him within a week. i went back to him on 15 jun, and his focus had changed. he told us that the tumors in my left lung were too small to be verified by a biopsy, and that he was more worried about the findings in my bones. i was confused with his change of focus. however, i found new reason to hope because i felt he was discounting the lung cancer, but was also discouraged that he was now concerned about the findings in my bones.

the onco asked me to have another ct scan, this time focusing on my right arm. i had one and last monday, 22 jun, he looked at the results and consulted with the radiologist. he told me that the ct scan results were inconclusive. even the doctor in radiology recommended that i go through an mri so they can have a finer view of what was in my bones. the fact that the ct scan results were inconclusive, gave my spirits a boost, even if the onco looked a bit disappointed.

so yesterday, i had an mri at makati med to find out with closure (i hope) what it is, or rather, where it is, that ails me.

in the meantime, last monday, i went shopping for new clothes. since i entered the hospital on 16 apr, i had lost 30 lbs, bringing my weight to 170. that frightened me, but cris said, how could i gain weight with the diet i had consisting of veggies and brown rice? anyway, last week i had gained 5 lbs, and i felt good about myself. i decided i didn't want to look like a walking clothes hanger any longer.

i went to sm makati and bought me 4 pairs of pants, but didn't see any shirts i liked. 3 of my pants have 36-in waists. my jeans has a 34-inch waist. physically, i look almost as i did 25 years ago.

during our vacation in la union, i took in as much sun as i could, so my color has deepened and gone back to my dark brown complexion. gone is the hospital pallid pallor. i went to our hairdresser and got a good haircut. as a friend commented, a haircut with attitude. i've taken to using different types of hats and going around with my shades. i am going to enjoy this while it lasts!

that's life as benjie these days, as a yoyo, though a better looking one than the prior version.

Healing prayers

since i started this blog in april, i've been asking prayers for myself. belatedly, i have woken up to the fact that i'm not the only one with health problems. i would therefore like to offer a space in this blogsite for the names of people who need healing, their illness, and if possible, the name of the person requesting for the prayers.

you may send me the info via email, ben.santillan@gmail.com, or simply include it in a comment in this blog. i would also request you to inform me when the person no longer needs healing prayers for whatever reason. hopefully, because he/she has recovered fully.

these are the mechanics i can think of right now. we'll refine them as we go along. i've tried to look for something that would enable you to directly input the info yourself, but i haven't found one yet.

to start, i've posted some prayer requests already. thanks and God bless.

Respite

picture this: a long stretch of deserted beach; not a tourist place because it is rocky and has expanses of sea grass growing just below the water surface. it is a summer afternoon too hot for the other bathers yet. the sun beams heat down enough to keep the water to a warm temperature.. the sea is calm, no waves. the air is still, no wind.

i float on the water about a foot above the sand, low enough to feel the grass tickle my back. i have my cool shades on so i can look up at the sky and see the cloud formations hovering a couple of hundred feet above me. the warm water, the hot air, the bright sun, and the quiet surround me in an island of peace. the cries of my 4 younger children building sand fortresses on the beach 20 yards away, are faint but joyful. i am detached, but not alone, which adds to, and does not detract from, the tranquility of the moment.

it was a piece of time i wanted frozen. i could stay in this moment for an eternity. i was filled with a serenity i had not felt for a long time.

motion meant the relentless passing of time, and i wanted so much for it to stop. no more rising and falling of the tides; no more winds to disturb the cloud masses; no more going back to everyday problems; no more aging; no more unwanted cells growing inside me; no more dying. let this moment just be, and be, and be.

i guess this is what yogis in yoga postures, zen buddhists in meditation, and religious mystics in intense prayer, sought to achieve. when you are able to shut motion down, your reward is peace and serenity.

but as i continued to gaze at the clouds, i realized that the shapes i thought were fixed and stable, were actually full of motion. tufts of clouds in the cloud formations, espcially at the edges, were pushed to and fro by gentle puffs of air. they would move a few feet up or down, left or right, then move back to, approximately, their original places; never in the exact same position, yet very close, so that the whole formation though constantly in motion, only imperceptibly changed its shape. thus, a lion's head slowly became a turtle. a woman's head changed, without noticeably doing so, into a cartoon car.

under me, the sea moved, gently lifting me up and setting me down much as the chest of a sleeping baby will rise and fall. at my back, the leaves of the undersea grass danced to and fro.

inside me, my stomach quietly rumbled, its acids digesting bits of food in my intestines. my heart was beating and i could almost imagine the blood coursing through my veins.

everything above me, below me, around me, and in me, was in motion. the entire universe itself of stars, planets, black holes, and cosmic dust was moving. life in motion! life IS motion!

the turbulance of the wind; the rising and crashing of the waves; the racing torrents of blood in my veins; the struggle of new cells in my body to be created and the destruction of old cells; the mad rush of cosmic objects in the universe away from its center; all were powerful, ceaseless forces in motion. life was not peaceful; it was chaotic.

the stability of the clouds above me; the motionlessness of the water; the stillness of my mind and body; all were simply illusions, a temporary respite. total motionlessness only comes with death. in life, peace and serenity were enjoyed when one made sense of the chaos; when motion and its effects were slowed to a minimum.

a life is not defined by the number of parties one is invited to, or how many toys one accumulates, or how may friends one acquires. that way lies chaos. a life is defined by what is inside a person, which he gains from his lessons in life, and which he nurtures and develops in peace and serenity, with the guidance of his God. peace and serenity are needed to eliminate the effects of chaos. the guidance of God is a reminder of one's unity with creation. and for what he has nurtured to bear fruit for the good of all, it must be shared.

my mistake has been in not sharing because i distrusted the wisdom and goodness of people. people, i now realize, can pick the pearls from among the garbage, the grain from the chaff. there is always something for someone, for what is garbage to one, may be a jewel to another. it is not for me to filter what i want people to see in me. it is for me to simply be who i am.

My selected treatment

the treatment method i have selected to rid myself of my cancer is based on dr william d kelley's metabolic cure for cancer. dr kelley wrote two books about his cancer cure, “one answer to cancer” and “cancer: curing the incurable without surgery, chemotherapy, or radiation”. 

dr kelley was a cancer survivor for 43 years, after treating himself for pancreatic cancer. he died in 2005, of a heart attack. he, and his metabolic cure, were never accepted in the medical profession, probably because he never toed the official medical line for cancer, and also because he wasn't a medical doctor. he was a dentist. but during his career as an alternative medicine practitioner treating cancer patients, he had 33,000 well-documented cases, with a 97% cure rate, 93% after a patient had been treated through surgery, radiology, or chemotherapy. 

the sloan-kettering center in new york spent 5 years reviewing his cases, though the report of their conclusions was never published. one doctor involved in the investigations, dr nicholas gonzalez, resigned from sloan-kettering after the report was suppressed, and opened up his own alternative med clinic in new york, basing his treatments on the metabolic cure of dr kelley.
if you're interested in obtaining more information about dr kelley and his metabolic cure (which incidentally, he applied to both cancer and diabetes patients), you can visit the following sites.

http://educate-yourself.org/cancer/kellymetabolicdiet13dec02.shtml

http://www.drkelley.com/what_is_cancer.htm 

http://cancertutor.com/Cancer/Metabolic.html

my guide in following the metabolic protocol is jaime dy-liacco. jimmy, a vigorous man in his 80's, is also a cancer survivor of 15 years. he cured himself of pancreatic cancer using dr kelley's metabolic cure. you can read about his 'adam and eve' diet in the site below.

http://www.myhomespa.ph/articles/jdyliacco_adam&evediet.html

for the sake of balanced reporting, i have to add the following link about quacks in the medical profession. drs kelley and gonzalez are mentioned.

http://www.quackwatch.com/01QuackeryRelatedTopics/cancer.html

the most informative site i have found about dr kelley's metabolic cure, is at the url included below. it is written by a traditional western doctor in a critique for doctors, using medical terms and medical data. if there is one site i recommend to understand dr kelley's metabolic protocol, it is this site.

http://www.townsendletter.com/June2003/kelleycritique0603.htm

i've researched my condition in orthodox medicine sites on the web and came up with this site, among many others.

http://cancer.about.com/od/kidneycancerrenalcell/a/rcc.htm

ernie e, my former high-school classmate and now a doctor in texas, sent me a few items too, one of which was very informative.

http://www.cochrane.org/reviews/en/ab006017.html

i have learned that renal cancer does not respond well to radiation or chemotherapy. the first line of treatment is medication, more specifically immunotherapy (i think it's called). it is supposed to strengthen the patient's immune system and to arrest the growth of cancer cells, thus the medicines are also known as 'inhibitors'. i read that the medications, on the average, statistically speaking, prolong a patient's life from 7.3 months to 10.9 months.

the reactions of family and friends to my decision to go with alt med have been varied.

a few have expressed their disagreement and even disappointment, with my choice of alt med. they find it difficult to believe that a seemingly intelligent person (that's me) could cast aside science and strictly-controlled clinical studies in the field of medicine.

and in exchange, i place my health and my very life in the hands of untrained laymen, using untested procedures, with uneven results.

many people with cancer have been cured with orthodox medicine. but it has also failed to help others. similarly, alternative medicine works with some people; but others do not respond to it.
in the majority of reactions i have received, i sense incredulity, but the people are too nice to say so. generally, they take into account my faith in my Maker. they hardly know what to say, but instead offer me their prayers. for which i am thankful beyond words. i suspect that a lot of them secretly pray that my eyes be opened, my mind be enlightened, and my decision be reversed. their prayers are still welcome.

however, there are an adventurous few, who some may call foolish, who openly express their support for my decision. some of them really believe in alt med and its effectiveness; some have no thoughts about it one way or another, but defer to my right to make my own decisions; some truly believe that God is at work in and with me.

of all of these reactions, the one i value most is the last, that of those who believe in God's love, wisdom, and benevolence. for though i call it 'my' decision, it wouldn't be the decision i make if i did not believe that God supports that decision. in my acceptance blog post (may 8), i said that God is the Healer, alternative medicine or orthodox medicine are simply His instruments. i have to say that my faith in the instruments, is less than in Him who wields the instruments.

i am deeply grateful to all who have shared their thoughts, experiences, and knowledge with me, and continue to do so. for my part, i will continue to listen and weigh all that you say, for you too may be instruments of the Lord. i could have misunderstood the message God spoke to me. if so, i believe that my God, who is loving and wise and just, would correct me. i must remain open to His messages which may come from anyone.

i thank you for your prayers. to those rare few who claim not to know how to pray or who do not believe in my God, send me your good vibrations instead. that will suffice. my God is wise and loving. He will know what you mean and accept your prayers which you make in your own manner.

last thursday, we paid our second visit to the oncologist. after looking at my bone scan pictures, which i've posted in my picasa web album (for those who have been invited to it, the very long, but extremely thin thingee in the region of my pelvis ISN'T my penis. it's the catheter!), the doctor said that he's now more concerned with the dark traces showing in my right upper arm and elbow joint, rather than the traces in my left lung. apparently, the traces in the lung are too faint to base any firm decisions on, but those in my bones are so prominent as to merit further investigation,

i explained that i used to play a lot of tennis. in fact, there was a time i wanted to be a tennis bum. not in the sense of playing in the professional tennis circuit, but at least in local open tournaments. this was in the early 80's, after i returned from my 5-year bumming sabbatical in europe. i was living with my mom in vigan, and didn't want to do anything but play tennis and lie in the beach.

the only reason i went back to work as a contractual programmer was because i needed to buy tennis rackets, tennis balls, tennis shoes, and pay for tennis bets. unfortunately, once i started working, i had to give up tennis. isn't that grandly LOGICAL!?

back to my illness. that was a long time ago, but the past year or so, i've been complaining about pain in my shoulder joints and my right elbow when i drive, esp our manual transmission vehicle. so, now apparently, cancer may have been the cause of the pain? maybe not.

the onco has scheduled me for another ct scan, this time concentrating on my bone structure. but first, i have to have my creatinine level tested.

cris' new boss, who has been very supportive throughout my latest health trials, has arranged for us to have a 2nd-opinion consultation with dr ang peng tiam, medical director and senior consultant of the parkway cancer centre of singapore. cris sent him my medical test results, which he has perused. i now have the chance to consult with a world-class oncologist. i hope that will assuage the apprehension of those who worry about my choice of alt med. (gawrsh! i'm on a roll here. first, 'peruse'; now 'assuage'.)

another hs friend, dr liz, tells me that ct scans are not good indicators of cancer. she strongly recommends a pet scan. my cousin, laida, suggested the same thing because the pet scan will sniff out and pinpoint the cancer cells in my body, wherever they hide themselves. but my pockets aren't deep enough, so i'll still keep it under serious advicement for now. meanwhile, i'll just have to stick to my pet koi fish, the cheap kind.

on the other hand, my alternative medicine physician told me my cancer was in my left lung, and no traces of it in my bones. so there.

for those who ask cris, or themselves, (but seldom ask me directly) how i am? the answer, my good friend bitan, is 'i'm fine.' that means i'm alive; i am enjoying my life, my family, and my friends; and i am serving God. how can i be any 'finer'?

my wife recently told me i'm a good patient, very conscientious with my diet and my medications. she also considers me a true believer and follower of the Lord. she said that she expects me to be there at our 6-year old daughter's debut. if there's one thing i've learned in this life, it's that it's very dangerous to disappoint one's wife. and so i will do everything to dance the first waltz with my daughter at her debut.

and that's life as benjie, in this year of living dangerously.