i only know of only one character in the whole world who is anxiety-free; alfred e. neumann, the "what, me worry?" guy of mad magazine. on the other hand, there's good ol' charlie brown, who worries that even the sky will fall on him.
in between these two are you, me, and the rest of the world. we worry about our health, our wealth; our parents' conditions, our children's future, our friends' loyalty, and the enmity of others. we fret about our jobs or the lack thereof. we agonize over both our future and our past, which we would change if we could.
we deal with our anxieties in different ways. we seek relaxation through yoga or massages. we escape in tv, movies, social \networking sites, and video games. we sweat out our tensions in sports. we turn artistic and play the guitar or the piano, or we dance, or write a poem. we succumb to our dark side with drugs, alcohol, and other vices. in times of desperation, we turn to a God we may or may not fully believe in, but who we hope will help us just the same.
in may of this year, cris and i had our 4-1/2 storey house (half the house was 3 bedrooms one on top of the other, all over the garage; the other half, a single level with living room, dining room, kitchen, and another bedroom and bathroom.), torn down. we started the construction of a real 4-storey apartment building.
a construction project is a journey through unknown perilous territory. most mornings, i'd wake up bright and early, full of hope and excitement about the anticipated progress for the day, but almost before i finish my breakfast, problems rise up to darken our day.
for example: one fine day while the old house was being demolished, our foreman came to report that the wrecking crew had knocked a hole in our neighbor's downstairs wall.
instant nightmare visions of an irate neighbor demanding reparation. "rebuild my wall at your expense, or else!" anxiety attacks the body! the heart palpitates, the temper rises. the stomach rumbles, the head aches, the vision blurs, the blood pressure shoots up, and the voice drops to a growl. "you knocked down the neighbor's wall!?"
at times like these, there's no time for yoga. sports would be inappropriate. and you feel more like beating up someone with your guitar, or better yet, your piano, than playing him a tune. so i aim a silent knee-jerk plea heavenward, "help!", without any expectation of a response.
i walk over to the site, my intestines all tied up in knots. i look at the damage, and see a hole in their downstairs bathroom wall, the size of my racing heart. after inspecting the damage carefully, our mason reports that the affected portion has no concrete hollow blocks. no hollow blocks, no wall. tiles were simply added to our wall. naturally, when we tore down our walls, the hole appeared on their wall. what a relief. it's not our fault after all!
but wait! we still have to explain things to our neighbor and hope he accepts the situation. what if he refuses our finding? what if he says his house was quietly standing there, minding its own business, when we messed with it?
but next day, the neighbor is very reasonable. he owns up to the mistake in their construction. he agrees to pick up the tab for the damaged wall.
at another time, we needed to buy the 2nd-hand steel beams for our place. the beams were in a warehouse in valenzuela. the agent, whom i had met only once before, told me over the phone that we had to pay a reservation fee for the steel beams so they would hold the beams for us. ok, no problem. the reservation would have to be paid in cash. no problem. deposited to their bank account. waaiiittaminute. and what proof would i have that i paid them money? the deposit slip of course. and what proof do i have that they owe me goods in return? well, you get a provisional receipt once they see the deposit slip. oh, really, nellie? i haven't even seen the beams yet, nor have i met the owner. well, that's just the way it works, boss.
fine! here's the plan. i leave at 930am, probably get there by 11 latest; deposit the money at the bank a few hundred meters from their office, and rush to their office for my receipt.
only, the best plans get waylaid by metro manila traffic, especially approaching noon time in valenzuela. i was able to meet my agent at 12:10. i say, "let's deposit the reservation fee, then go immediately to their office."
"actually, boss, it's their lunch break so we'll have to wait until 1pm. in the meantime, you're right, we deposit the money so we don't waste time, then wait for them to open up again. just hang on to the deposit slip."
oh, that's a great comfort! if i have the deposit slip, they can't withdraw the money, is that it?
the moment we enter the bank, anxieties begin to torment me. is this wise? am i being ripped off? i start with my silent prayers again. "oh, please God, help! protect our money. protect me from con men."
when i hand the money to the teller, she tugs at it but i don't let go. she looks up at me. i smile sheepishly and force my fingers to open up one by one. "God, bless this money that it may be used for its purpose." bye-bye, money.
i get the deposit slip and look at it forlornly. it's not as impressive as the blue bills i gave up. it doesn't even have my name on it to prove that it was once mine. "God, bless this deposit slip that it may bind the steel owners to our transaction."
we have to wait for their office to open. do we have lunch somewhere while we wait? not on your life. i park the van right at the gate. forget the food. i'll eat the steel beams when i see them. "God, help me keep my sanity while we wait for the gates to open."
finally, finally! FINALLY!! it's 1pm! the gates open and we are allowed into the sanctum sanctorium. the place is a huge 1,000 sqm warehouse packed with different kinds of steel products. my fears are appeased. the deposit slip goes to the office and out comes the provisional receipt. ahh, relief. my fears subside, my heartbeat slows, and my stomach quiets down. i won't eat the steel beams.
an hour later, i whisper, "thank you, God!" gratitude is an afterthought.
a little later, we had to buy a 2nd-hand generator for the welding machines to be used in erecting the steel structure. my crew checked it out and the verdict was it was very good, with only 120 hours logged in the meter, it was practically unused. it looked so good, they didn't even bother to start it.
we got it back to the construction site and did a detailed inspection. several parts were missing - the motherboard for the electric gauges, the oil pump, a few other things. my crew assured me, these were minor problems.
minor! MINOR? the thing won't start! that's not minor. for the amount we paid for it. that's a major disaster.
we decided to get a maintenance engineer from the distributor of the generator brand to conduct a thorough assessment. between the time we called the guy and the time he came, a week passed by. i wasn't too worried because i was told there were lots of spare parts for this model.
the engineer came and conducted his assessment. he reports to me. "boss, it'll take a month and half again of your purchase price to get it running." A MONTH!? the parts have to be sourced from singapore, boss. AND ADDITIONAL HALF OF THE PURCHASE PRICE!!?? singapore dollars, boss, with conversion fees, transportation costs, import tariffs, "for the boys" in customs. you know how it goes, boss.
this time, an extreme anxiety attack is called for. i'm responsible for construction purchases. the money's been paid, the generator delivered, but it will take more money to get it working. more than the money, i worried about my family. what will happen to my children when cris finds out i screwed up big time, and wrings my neck? how will they take not having a father around?
buy some time. stall. don't mention this to cris. maybe a miracle will happen. "God, help! what do i do? where can i go? what will happen to me?" in the meantime, i lie awake in bed at night thinking of the inutile generator. every morning, i wake up hoping it was all a nightmare, and that the generator works. and then, i go out and see it sitting there, useless.
on an exceptionally despondent day, i frantically plead with God for a solution to the problem. He says, "have i let you down yet? have i been sleeping on the job? or do you think your frenzied ranting and worrying solved your problems? did your friends or your crew ? did your money buy you out of your predicaments?"
belatedly, i realized the pattern wasn't: problem,resolution; problem; resolution. something was missing. when problems appeared, solutions just didn't magically pop up. the pattern was problem-prayer-resolution; problem-prayer-resolution. the prayer after the problem resulted in the resolution. cause and effect. logical.
today, we still face other problems; diminishing funds, construction mistakes, missed deadlines. do i fret? do i worry?
of course i do! i haven't nailed down this complete faith and total surrender business down to where i no longer worry. i do. if i had faith the size of a mustard seed, i would tell the mulberry bush to be uprooted and plant itself in the sea , and it would. but i still can't do that, even if i happen to see a mulberry bush. i still have a way to go before my faith gets to be the size of a mustard seed.
st. paul says faith is believing in things yet unseen. your faith leads you to expect answers to your prayers. but expectant faith is only the beginning. earnest and immediate gratitude to the God who provides, closes the circle of faith. without an acknowledgment of the gift or the Giver, faith is without foundation.
you might say we never faced any real problems, so no solutions were needed, or the solutions didn't require miracles. maybe so, but then about 80% to 90% of our problems aren't real anyway. just products of our fears because we don't control every facet of our lives. if we did, we'd feel so secure, we'd have no worries.
but the 10% - 90% of our problems are very real, totally beyond our control. our health deteriorates, we lose our wealth, things that brought us a feeling of security fail us. we realize that despite our intelligence, our money, our talents, even our good looks, we are helpless in the face of what's out there. that's when we look to miracles. that's when i turn to God.
my health issues last year brought me awareness of my Lord. i've gotten over my cancer with His healing. this year, my health problems are no less threatening with two blood clots in my brain. but i worry less about my health these days because i've learned to entrust it to the Lord. this year, i'm learning to leave the rest of my life up to Him, without abdicating my responsibilities. it's a comfortable feeling that reduces my fears.
and that's life as benjie, getting over anxiety with generous helpings of faith.
oh, about the generator. we got it working at half the estimated cost of the maintenance engineer, though it it still look 3 weeks to get all the needed parts from bulacan, novaliches, and p. florentino st. it's working very well and easily handles the load of 4 welding machines.
