11 days, countless bouts of incredicle pain, 1 major operation, several tests, 1 less kidney, innumerable pledges of support and prayers, and a few realizations later, I'm back home. It has been a personal journey for me, with Cris constantly by my side.
I do not wish to speak of the pain I felt, for there was considerable pain. Perhaps it will be enough to say that simply being able to urinate was such a relief that it brought tears of joy. Fear was a constant that was blotted out by the pain. Even the fear of a major operation was unable to dampen my hoped for release from pain.
I've lost one kidney, but doctors say we are able to live well with just one, if we take good care of it. I plan to.
The tests aren't over yet. We're still awaiting the results of other tests. This time, there is no pain to make me forget the fear, so it is there. Something I will have to learn to live with and deal with.
Now, for the more important realizations I've had during this journey.
Realization #1: We are not indestructible.
Since my youth, I have played games with my health believing that I would overcome all possible illnesses, recuperate from the wear and tear I placed on myself, and rebuild any damage I sustained. Now the lesson has been driven home painfully and frighteningly – Superman comes from Krypton; we are of the planet earth, without superpowers, subject to the frailties of our humanity.
I will not advise against vices, for I did get some pleasure out of them, but I will advice caution and judiciousness. Vices require us to pay a price, the very least of which is to regularly seek medical advice. When the doctors tell us it's time to pay the price for our 'good times', then do so readily and wholeheartedly. Nothing is free in this world, except God's grace.
Realization #2: Our time on earth is limited.
This is a corollary to #1. Early in my life, books I read taught me to live as if everyday were the last day of my life. In this way, we would value every minute of our time and use the minutes wisely. It is a lesson I thought I learned well, but now realize, never really did. I spent too much time on careless pursuits. Today I find so many things left undone, so many lessons not learned, and lessons learned but never shared, so many people left unaided or uncared for, and much love left ungiven.
Value your time. There's too little of it to squander. Learn what you want to. Live your dreams. And most of all, share your life. Every life you enrich, enriches your own.
Realization #3: No matter what we think of ourselves, there are people who truly love us.
It does not matter much whether we are rich or poor, wise or foolish, good-looking or plain, people will love us despite our faults and shortcomings. I never considered myself as extraordinarily caring, or friendly, or helpful. In fact, many times I have been mean and hurtful to friends. Yet the outpouring of support Cris and I have received during this trial in our life together has shaken me. People do care for me, not because of what I am, but because of who they are.
I am humbled. Thank you.
Realization #4: Never take the love of a good woman or a good man, for granted.
For the same unknown reasons that people care for me, my wife Cris loves me. She has been by my side from the day we first went to the hospital and has taken care of me most lovingly and patiently. Her patience was greatly tested by my irritability especially right after the operation. I would ask her to raise the head of my hospital bed, and in the next instant, tell her to lower it. I asked her to massage by back first, gently, then, more vigorously, only to shout at her when her touch would trigger pain in my wound. She asked for prayers when I could not, or would not. (Remember, I did not think anyone would care enough for me to pray, except my close family and a few friends.) She would fetch things for me and even emptied my urinal when the nurses were not around.
To put things into perspective, Cris until recently, efficiently headed an ATM consortium. She is currently a highly-valued consultant for a conglomerate. Her advice is much sought-after and heeded, by presidents and top officials of banks and other companies. She has proven herself a success in her chosen field.
Yet, she has also chosen to serve me with great concern and humility. If that isn't love, then it doesn't exist. And I can only respond with a simple, heartfelt, “I love you too, Cris.”
Realization #5: Prayers live out our faith.
During this time, I realized that prayers for others is a concrete realization of Christ's second commandment to love others as you love yourself. But unless one truly believes in God and in His love for us, our prayers lack faith and strength, and therefore will not be effective. So before we get to the second commandment, we must first live the first which is to love the Lord with all heart, with all our mind, with all our soul, and with all our strength. Your prayers for me have been effective, and so I know you live the two greatest commandments of God.
Please continue to pray for me, as we should pray for one another, for we all need prayers in our lives. I can think of nothing in our mundane, everyday lives that allows us to give glory and praise to our Father than our prayers for each other.
Realization #6: God is life.
Faith in God saves us. Being saved is not living forever, nor is it living without fear, or pain, or hardships. Being saved is being reunited with God. Faith will bring us there.
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Next week, the doctors will discuss the results of the biopsy of my kidney's mass with us. They've already warned us that the mass is most likely to be malignant. The results of the bone scan showed 'occult' traces of cancer cells. We've been asked to shop around for an oncologist.
There is fear and anxiety, but also faith and hope.
This journey of mine will go on. With Cris. With our children. With our extended family. With our friends. And with God.
Let us be thankful for the time we have together, and let us rejoice in our lives!
