a number of you, faithful blog followers and friends, have wondered what happened to this blog; whether i'll ever update it again, and if so, when. for the past few months, my stock answer has been, “i'm working on it. i'm almost done with my latest post. watch for it next week.” but the weeks turned into months without any sign of an update.. my last update was actually on 22 sep!
to tell you the truth, i've been hiding.
when one is made acutely aware of one's mortality, as when you're diagnosed with cancer, (and sometimes, even when you're not), you battle more than just physical problems. there are demons and monsters messing you up from the inside. i have been plagued with brief spells of depression since may, but this last bout has been major, lasting more than a month.
some of you may also have had days when you just don't feel like getting up from bed. it takes the strength of a schwarzenegger to pry your eyelids open. then, you lie there unable to move, not even wanting to.
in that state, there is a question that may assault you incessantly. you try to push it away, but it won't go. “what for?” it asks, or a variant, “what's the use?” and it's almost impossible to come up with any good answers, because it's not the question that terrifies. it's the answer. “it's all for nothing. it's of no use whatsoever.”
mid-life crises (plural, because it keeps coming back) feed the demon depression. i feel my life's in a rut there's no getting out of. i believe drastic changes are needed in my life to make the birds sing again, and to perfume the air with a sweet aroma. i'd sorely like to feel young once more, with the world full of “what will be's”, instead of “what could have been's”; free of the baggage that a lifetime has loaded on my back.
i question my worth to the small world around me. i haven't made any money since early this year. it's all been cris, and she's been very nice about it. my illness had a lot to do with my inability to earn money. working at getting well uses up a lot of time. i get tired frequently and suffer my back pains. i have to take short naps during the day.
yet, i can't really blame the cancer, because i feel just fine most of the time, and when i'm doing something i enjoy, i don't get tired even if i'm at it the whole day.
not being the family provider bothers me. there are days i feel utterly useless. i seek redemption for my existence, but at 59, it becomes very hard to find any. during those days, it isn't the demon depression that rises up in me, but the monster anger; an intense, senseless anger, that makes me lash out at those closest and dearest to me – my children, more often, my wife – for no apparent reason.
one night, cris was late for supper, having come from a series of meetings the whole day with her colleague beth, who was scheduled to leave for the u.s. on a business trip. they had to pin down work that had to be continued while beth was gone. cris came in as we were clearing the table and she said, “i'm sorry!” to everyone, but she headed straight for me. before she reached me, with my back turned, i snapped, “no, you're not.”
i guess she was really tired because she reacted with anger, something she rarely does. “you're so unreasonable!”, she shouted. after a minute, she said, “beth is leaving!” the monster growls back, “do you want me to leave?” (stress on the “me”, dripping with sarcasm.)
she went ballistic; crying, screaming, wailing. i thought she was having a nervous breakdown. i have such an overwhelming effect on women, it's unbelievable. she told me i was unfair, demanding, and unappreciative. she even called me a brat! to be called a brat at 59 is mortifying. but she was right.
she cried till 3 am. the next morning, she had calmed down and felt sorry for the things she had said. i didn't feel she had to be sorry about anything because she called the shots correctly, but kept quiet. why give up an advantage. i didn't bother apologizing for my own behavior. brat nga eh.
so i was hiding from my inadequacies as a husband and a father, as well.
in blogging, one of the difficulties i have writing about myself is that i often have to walk a tightrope. when am i honestly proud of my accomplishments, and when do i boast? when am i simply being self-confident and when am i arrogant? am i merely explaining my actions, or am i apologizing for my failures? when do i drive home an important point, and when am i simply making noise? am i being interesting, or have i turned into an utter bore?
when i'm feeling good, i write and i beat back the demons of doubt and anxiety. but at times, they become paralyzing. there's just no writing anything at all, as in the past months.
obviously now, i've also been hiding from my authoring anxieties.
at times, the answer to the question, “what for?”, is taken to heart. that's when i don't care about anything anymore, and one of its manifestations is complacency. a couple of months back, dr jimmy told me that i was cured of my cancer, though i would still have to continue with my protocol (diet and treatments) for the entire 6 months. but i felt good and i was cured, wasn't i? i started cheating on my diet. i quit my regular swimming exercise. i gave up trying to sleep earlier than 11pm. result? i'm fine, but the saturated oils, sugar, and processed flour took their toll. i now weigh 10 lbs more than i should.
that's another thing i hid from, my responsibility to get well and perhaps in so doing, to inspire others to strive for healing too.
i was even trying to hide from God. one of the last times i visited the Blessed Sacrament, i told Him, “i'm here, Lord. is there anything You want to tell me? talk to me; i'm listening.” and in a tone of disappointment, i heard, “what for? you don't listen to Me anyway.”
shock! fear! “Lord, what're You saying? i listen to You!”. response: “you listen, but you don't obey. so what's the use of My telling you anything?”
i immediately knew what He was talking about. a year ago, He gave me a task to do. i've kept putting it off because of anxieties about doing the job well. so i went into hiding to keep out of His sight. that did as much good as adam and eve hiding in the bushes after eating the fruit of the forbidden tree.
but now, i'm starting to emerge again from the shadows. it was comfortable for awhile, but it sure wasn't living. from my experience and from what i've seen from friends who have been down, depression thrives in solitude. it is sustained by, and in, loneliness. so how do you pull yourself out of the doldrums?
there is a poem by edwin markham i remember from my youth. the first and the last lines remain foremost in my mind, though it is the 3rd line that gives meaning to the poem.
He drew a circle that shut me out
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout
But love and I had the wit to win;
We drew a circle that took him in.
when i'm depressed, i draw a circle to shut me in, and everyone else, out. inside the circle, i am by myself, i do not wish to be drawn out. i do not wish to be loved or cared for. i don't want to hear the usual proclamations of love and support from family and friends. it's not that i don't love them or care for them, in my depression they're simply part of the rut i'm trying to climb out of.
in the attempt to escape, a new guiding light to the promised land is desperately sought; a new job. a new career. a new home. sometimes, a new object of love to quicken the blood and stir up the emotions. whatever form it takes, the dream of redemption promises a different reality without the snags and hitches of the old one. any accompanying challenges of the new reality are optimistically easily surmountable, never mind that these are the same challenges previously confronted and were found to be overpowering.
the promised paradise is ephemeral; smoke and mirrors with neither substance nor reality. look closely enough with unblinkered sight, and it is the same old life, perhaps with a few minute changes here and there, which soon loose their luster, for they are mere illusions. the real challenges and the answers to them lie within each person, where there are no radical changes, but only acceptance of one's intrinsic realities.
i have been besotted by similar visions in the past, but i was fortunate enough to wake up before i believed the dream and forgot the reality; the reality of my family, my work, my friends, and my God. these make up the life i've built over the years. plodding ever forward through tears, pain, and unfulfilled dreams, yet revelling in the joys and triumphs; inspired by the love in everyone.
when you realize that the love is real and not just a promise; that the compliments aren't meant to massage your ego, but express true appreciation; that the reassurances aren't empty platitudes but express sincere companionship and care; then you paint the circle that draws family and friends in with you again. and you know there can be no better reality.
so now i've come out of hiding. but with no promises that i won't disappear again in the future. once in awhile, there is a need to hide if only to rest for a little bit, and to rediscover who you are and what really matters. the important thing is to re-emerge from the shadows and into the light.
and that's life as benjie, hiding for a time, but eventually seeking the light.
my deepest thanks to those who didn't lose faith in me and kept encouraging me to write again. sometimes, when i don't know what it's all for, i'm happy that you do.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
How I spend my day, Part 1
this post is for chris h, who lives in either ny city or jersey. (what's the diff?) at the start of my illness when i decided on alt med for my healing treatment, he shared with me his mom's story; how she was diagnosed for cancer when she was living in the u.s., how she got the best care from expert doctors bec his sister is also a doctor and they have a code of taking care of their own, how they kept trying different chemo drugs on her but her condition continued to deteriorate, until finally she died, suffering discomfort and pain. today, two sisters are treating themselves with alt med diets with positive and encouraging results.
the fact that this post is being uploaded today and not at a later date when i am more comfortable with it, is because of loy a's email asking about my diet, his wife has breast cancer and is undergoing traditional chemotherapy treatments. as i have said, any treatment should be able to cure us, as long as we believe that God is our Healer, and everyone else are His instruments. still, for what it's worth, i continue to espouse my alt med protocol.
there have also been a number of you who have asked about the protocol i'm following. i've given you teasers here and there of how my treatment goes, but here i will reveal all the dirty details. (as they say in the tabloids.) i've heard people say, 'what??!! raw pancreas? how can you eat that stuff.' it's not that difficult because it's not a delicacy; it's medicine for me.
i've also been asked, 'is eating any raw meat safe? what about bacteria?' in this update, i will explain to you why it's safe to eat the stuff i eat.
before i proceed, i must pay homage to the 2 persons at home who provide indispensable help in my treatments. there's melds, our cook, and former yaya of our eldest son, alfonso. she's been with cris and me since a week after we got married. she left us 9 years ago to start a family, but she came back 3 years later, with her family. melds buys food for us from the wet market and prepares my meals.
the other of course, is cris. she does two important things for me. she purchases my medicines, and pays for them, then sorts them out in these little pill boxes for my breakfast, lunch, and supper. the other thing she does, you'll soon find out.
without melds and cris, i would really have a very difficult time in following my protocol. i'm alive today because of their help.
now, tighten your seat belts for the ride. some of you might have tender sensibilities, so you're allowed to get off anytime you want. away we go.
i wake up everyday at around 4 or 5am. the actual time depends on whether i have to do things later in the day such as work a bit, or take the children to school and fetch them, or attend to my service in the parish, or something other than curing myself.
every 3 or 4 days, i try to keep track of my fasting blood sugar (fbs), so the first thing i do upon waking is to prick one of my fingers, get a drop of blood, and test it. the other time, it was 87, which was good considering the cheating on my food diet i've been doing these past celebratory weeks. the tests takes about 5 mins.
then, i do a bit of stretching exercise to ease the chronic pain in my lower back. dr jimmy taught me to bend over with my knees straight, slowly circling my arms, until gravity pulls my fingers down to the floor. i stay that way for about 20 – 30 seconds, then sit on my haunches before straightening up. i mustn't stand straight up from the bent-over position for it puts a strain on my back muscles. i can now touch the floor with my 2nd knuckles, and stay that way for up to 30 secs. not bad, huh?
after that, i take my first raw pork pancreas (rpp) serving for the day. i eat it with a clove of raw, crushed garlic, seasoning the rpp with natural rock salt, a bit of soy sauce, and chili flakes. eating this takes about 10 – 15 mins. if you ever need a quick 'waker-upper', try chewing on raw garlic and eating chili flakes upon getting up.
food preparation 101. first the rock salt. the salt i take cannot be the iodized table salt. according to dr jimmy, natural iodized salt is a redundancy. natural salt has all the necessary minerals for human consumption, including iodine. it's processed salt that needs iodine. and i can't take any processed food because of the chemicals added to them. they usually have carcinogenic food preservatives.
how do you know it's processed salt? take a small amount, drop it into water, hot or cold, it doesn't matter, and stir it. you will see the undissolved crystals.
but a word of warning. table salt isn't the only thing that's processed these days. they now produce processed rock salt. so always test the salt you're using. i just learned this morning that natural salt is no longer available in the wet market close to our house. the makati health services under the guidance of the the dept of health, has banned them. now, i'll have to look farther away to source my natural salt. i can always buy sea salt from the health food stores, but they cost a bundle. besides, why should i when the phils is a country of 7,000 islands, all surrounded by sea water? oh, for those who can afford expensive stuff, the other name for rock salt is sea salt. changing the name ups the price many times over.
the water i drink. we used to buy processed water. you know the kind that is filtered, reverse-osmosisfied (a new word i coined), and processed? they're supposed to be free of dirt and contaminants. well, they're also free of the minerals the body needs.
the rationale again of natural healing is that water naturally attracts minerals to itself. when the water is processed and stripped of its minerals, once it enters our bodies, it gathers the minerals in us and passes them out in our urine. we are left with too little of the minerals we need.
we now drink nawasa water. eeuukk! you say? well, first we filter it with a very good filter that takes away the dirt and contaminants, but not the natural minerals. i can't tell you the brand since i'm not getting anything to advertise them anyway. but it's german (or one of the nordic countries) and not too expensive. to take away the chlorine, we just leave the water standing in an open container for at least 30 minutes for the chlorine to evaporate. so then, we're drinking mineral water.
if i buy bottled water outside, i choose the mineral water. there are only 2 or 3 brands around. one of them is evian, which must be the most expensive water in the world, aside from perrier. (is perrier mineral or distilled?) i've only taken evian once, when ate nonette gave me a bottle, courtesy of the airlines she flies in. sosy, my aunt, no?
melds buys the raw pork pancreas (lapay) and raw beef liver(atay) from the wet market early in the morning to make sure it's from freshly slaughtered animals. she washes them well to remove grime and dirt. then soaks them for 10 – 15 mins in a small basin of mineral water with a cup of rock salt. she then wipes them off with a paper towel, wraps them individually in aluminum foil and places them in the freezer.
when it's time to eat them, we take a piece out of the freezer and chop off the portion i'm to take. it's 2 tablespoons of raw pork pancreas for every serving; and 3 tablespoons of raw beef liver. the crushed raw garlic i eat with the raw pancreas contains allicin which kills bacteria. with the proper preparation and cleaning, and the raw garlic, i'm safe from germs and bacteria. the only thing i have to watch out for are the bits of aluminum foil that cling to the frozen pancreas. they can stick to the space between my teeth, or worse get swallowed. i don't think my gastric juices are able to dissolve aluminum foil. i'd hate to have glitter in my stool.
here's the alt med rationale for the raw pork pancreas and the raw beef liver. according to dr william kelley, whose metabolic medicine protocol dr jimmy follows, we all produce cancer cells. they are a natural part of our body’s cell repair and regeneration, though they mutate to become killer cells. normally, our digestive enzymes and immune system are strong enough to kill these mutated cells so they don't do our bodies any harm. it's when our organs lose their effectiveness that we get into trouble. our pancreas may no longer produce enough enzymes, or the enzymes produced aren't potent enough to digest the mutated cells, and/or our natural killer cells are too few or too ineffective and thus unable to kill the cancer cells; either because the pathways are clogged or we're not getting enough nutrients from the food we eat.
cancer cells are born from germ cells or stem cells which are spread throughout our body to aid in cell repair and regeneration. germ cells are activated when a part of the body has had tissue damaged and needs to be repaired. cancer cells are activated germ cells gone awry – their cells are like placenta that grew outside the womb. similar to the placenta (i.e. the baby’s source of nutrition inside the mother’s womb), the cells multiply and grow very fast, and are self-sustaining, getting their food directly from the blood stream. cancer cells are wrapped in a protein-based cover which has negative ions, similar to the natural killer cells, thus, they are not detected by the body and identified as “enemy cells”, and continue to grow unhampered and largely undetected. the protein cover is very difficult to strip off unless you have sufficient potent enzymes.
a healthy pancreas produces enough enzymes to digest the food in the stomach, as well as travel through the blood stream to reach other parts of our body where they search for and digest excess/abnormal proteins. when they strip the protein cover off the cancer cells, the immune system within us targets them for elimination by the natural killer cells.
my pancreas doesn't produce enough potent enzymes so i need the pork pancreas which is loaded with live enzymes. how did my pancreas become so inefficient? too much rich fatty foods, and not enough vitamins from green leafy vegetables. and sometimes, even if we eat the right foods, we tend to overcook them such that their natural enzymes are killed off.
a healthy immune system produces natural killer cells which are potent (as opposed to lazy and ineffective). mine no longer is. that's where the raw beef liver comes in. raw beef liver is a rich source of nutrients, chock-full of vitamins, minerals, and other goodies our immune system needs. i'm sure you've all heard of athletes throwing together milk, yoghurt, celery sticks, tomato juice, and raw liver in a blender and drinking the concoction to give them strength and stamina. well, that's why i take the raw beef liver – it is a superfood for my immune system.
could i also take it blended? yeah, i suppose, but i'm used to eating and chewing it. you see, God did a wonderful job of preparing me for so many things in my protocol. He taught me to love strange, exotic foods early on. here's a favorite story, but if you're a rabid animal lover or possess a queasy stomach, maybe you better skip it and just go to the last paragraph.
when i was 7 years old, my uncle totoy or toots, as i called him, took me to his farm in the province. (i already lived in the province, but in the capital town. he took me to the boondocks, about 3 hrs drive away in those days.) it was a fiesta and since he was the rich landowner in the place, he had people all over the farm slaughtering pigs and chickens and goats and cooking them. one item that was never absent in his preparations was dog meat, THE local delicacy.
they butchered the dog by (close your ears if you can't stand 'cruelty' to animals.) tying it securely to a bamboo pole. with a sharp knife, they made a deep gash in it's throat, and caught the warm blood in a bowl. they transferred some of the blood in a glass and mixed in some gin so it wouldn't coagulate very quickly. as is the custom, they offer it to the big man around, my uncle totoy.
he looks at me, smiles, and says, 'give it to my nephew. let him drink it.' so all the guys around looked at me and smiled at the thought of a 7-year old child drinking the concoction, the man who had the glass of blood offered it to me. i looked at my uncle, and he told me to drink it so i'd grow up to be a brave man. i realized then that it was a rite of manhood. everyone expected me to turn it down, but half-hoped, for the sake of my uncle, that i wouldn't. when i hesitated, they said i had better drink it quickly before the blood turned cold and hardened.
i wanted to be brave, and i desperately wanted their approval. most of all, i wanted my uncle's approval. i took the glass of blood and drained it down in one go. the gin improved the taste of warm blood. that whole day, i strutted around like the cock on the walk, pleased with myself for what i had done. i ate anything they placed in front of me – pig's intestines & entrails cooked in blood (dinuguan), raw goat's and dog's meat (kilawin), animal brain made into an omelet, anything.
in my later years, i would eat balut, raw fish (kinilaw or sashimi, sushi), frog's legs, grasshoppers, beetles, freshly-caught eels, raw eggs chickens and birds, and fried ants and ant eggs. my mother herself, bless her soul, introduced me to two filipino delicacies; pampanga's camarro, which is fried larvae dug up from the ground, then deep fried, and the ilocos region's jumping salad. that's raw shrimp soaked in vinegar with salt, chopped garlic, and red and green chillies. why 'jumping'? because they're alive and they hop around in the deep dish they are served in. you put them in your mouth and feel them squirming inside before you chomp down on them with your molars and taste their sweet juicy flesh. hmm, delicious!
raw pork pancreas and raw beef liver? bring them on!
that's part 1 of this post, and we've only reached my first serving of raw pork pancreas. we still haven't even gotten to breakfast yet. as larry henares says, 'more tomorrow.'
the fact that this post is being uploaded today and not at a later date when i am more comfortable with it, is because of loy a's email asking about my diet, his wife has breast cancer and is undergoing traditional chemotherapy treatments. as i have said, any treatment should be able to cure us, as long as we believe that God is our Healer, and everyone else are His instruments. still, for what it's worth, i continue to espouse my alt med protocol.
there have also been a number of you who have asked about the protocol i'm following. i've given you teasers here and there of how my treatment goes, but here i will reveal all the dirty details. (as they say in the tabloids.) i've heard people say, 'what??!! raw pancreas? how can you eat that stuff.' it's not that difficult because it's not a delicacy; it's medicine for me.
i've also been asked, 'is eating any raw meat safe? what about bacteria?' in this update, i will explain to you why it's safe to eat the stuff i eat.
before i proceed, i must pay homage to the 2 persons at home who provide indispensable help in my treatments. there's melds, our cook, and former yaya of our eldest son, alfonso. she's been with cris and me since a week after we got married. she left us 9 years ago to start a family, but she came back 3 years later, with her family. melds buys food for us from the wet market and prepares my meals.
the other of course, is cris. she does two important things for me. she purchases my medicines, and pays for them, then sorts them out in these little pill boxes for my breakfast, lunch, and supper. the other thing she does, you'll soon find out.
without melds and cris, i would really have a very difficult time in following my protocol. i'm alive today because of their help.
now, tighten your seat belts for the ride. some of you might have tender sensibilities, so you're allowed to get off anytime you want. away we go.
i wake up everyday at around 4 or 5am. the actual time depends on whether i have to do things later in the day such as work a bit, or take the children to school and fetch them, or attend to my service in the parish, or something other than curing myself.
every 3 or 4 days, i try to keep track of my fasting blood sugar (fbs), so the first thing i do upon waking is to prick one of my fingers, get a drop of blood, and test it. the other time, it was 87, which was good considering the cheating on my food diet i've been doing these past celebratory weeks. the tests takes about 5 mins.
then, i do a bit of stretching exercise to ease the chronic pain in my lower back. dr jimmy taught me to bend over with my knees straight, slowly circling my arms, until gravity pulls my fingers down to the floor. i stay that way for about 20 – 30 seconds, then sit on my haunches before straightening up. i mustn't stand straight up from the bent-over position for it puts a strain on my back muscles. i can now touch the floor with my 2nd knuckles, and stay that way for up to 30 secs. not bad, huh?
after that, i take my first raw pork pancreas (rpp) serving for the day. i eat it with a clove of raw, crushed garlic, seasoning the rpp with natural rock salt, a bit of soy sauce, and chili flakes. eating this takes about 10 – 15 mins. if you ever need a quick 'waker-upper', try chewing on raw garlic and eating chili flakes upon getting up.
food preparation 101. first the rock salt. the salt i take cannot be the iodized table salt. according to dr jimmy, natural iodized salt is a redundancy. natural salt has all the necessary minerals for human consumption, including iodine. it's processed salt that needs iodine. and i can't take any processed food because of the chemicals added to them. they usually have carcinogenic food preservatives.
how do you know it's processed salt? take a small amount, drop it into water, hot or cold, it doesn't matter, and stir it. you will see the undissolved crystals.
but a word of warning. table salt isn't the only thing that's processed these days. they now produce processed rock salt. so always test the salt you're using. i just learned this morning that natural salt is no longer available in the wet market close to our house. the makati health services under the guidance of the the dept of health, has banned them. now, i'll have to look farther away to source my natural salt. i can always buy sea salt from the health food stores, but they cost a bundle. besides, why should i when the phils is a country of 7,000 islands, all surrounded by sea water? oh, for those who can afford expensive stuff, the other name for rock salt is sea salt. changing the name ups the price many times over.
the water i drink. we used to buy processed water. you know the kind that is filtered, reverse-osmosisfied (a new word i coined), and processed? they're supposed to be free of dirt and contaminants. well, they're also free of the minerals the body needs.
the rationale again of natural healing is that water naturally attracts minerals to itself. when the water is processed and stripped of its minerals, once it enters our bodies, it gathers the minerals in us and passes them out in our urine. we are left with too little of the minerals we need.
we now drink nawasa water. eeuukk! you say? well, first we filter it with a very good filter that takes away the dirt and contaminants, but not the natural minerals. i can't tell you the brand since i'm not getting anything to advertise them anyway. but it's german (or one of the nordic countries) and not too expensive. to take away the chlorine, we just leave the water standing in an open container for at least 30 minutes for the chlorine to evaporate. so then, we're drinking mineral water.
if i buy bottled water outside, i choose the mineral water. there are only 2 or 3 brands around. one of them is evian, which must be the most expensive water in the world, aside from perrier. (is perrier mineral or distilled?) i've only taken evian once, when ate nonette gave me a bottle, courtesy of the airlines she flies in. sosy, my aunt, no?
melds buys the raw pork pancreas (lapay) and raw beef liver(atay) from the wet market early in the morning to make sure it's from freshly slaughtered animals. she washes them well to remove grime and dirt. then soaks them for 10 – 15 mins in a small basin of mineral water with a cup of rock salt. she then wipes them off with a paper towel, wraps them individually in aluminum foil and places them in the freezer.
when it's time to eat them, we take a piece out of the freezer and chop off the portion i'm to take. it's 2 tablespoons of raw pork pancreas for every serving; and 3 tablespoons of raw beef liver. the crushed raw garlic i eat with the raw pancreas contains allicin which kills bacteria. with the proper preparation and cleaning, and the raw garlic, i'm safe from germs and bacteria. the only thing i have to watch out for are the bits of aluminum foil that cling to the frozen pancreas. they can stick to the space between my teeth, or worse get swallowed. i don't think my gastric juices are able to dissolve aluminum foil. i'd hate to have glitter in my stool.
here's the alt med rationale for the raw pork pancreas and the raw beef liver. according to dr william kelley, whose metabolic medicine protocol dr jimmy follows, we all produce cancer cells. they are a natural part of our body’s cell repair and regeneration, though they mutate to become killer cells. normally, our digestive enzymes and immune system are strong enough to kill these mutated cells so they don't do our bodies any harm. it's when our organs lose their effectiveness that we get into trouble. our pancreas may no longer produce enough enzymes, or the enzymes produced aren't potent enough to digest the mutated cells, and/or our natural killer cells are too few or too ineffective and thus unable to kill the cancer cells; either because the pathways are clogged or we're not getting enough nutrients from the food we eat.
cancer cells are born from germ cells or stem cells which are spread throughout our body to aid in cell repair and regeneration. germ cells are activated when a part of the body has had tissue damaged and needs to be repaired. cancer cells are activated germ cells gone awry – their cells are like placenta that grew outside the womb. similar to the placenta (i.e. the baby’s source of nutrition inside the mother’s womb), the cells multiply and grow very fast, and are self-sustaining, getting their food directly from the blood stream. cancer cells are wrapped in a protein-based cover which has negative ions, similar to the natural killer cells, thus, they are not detected by the body and identified as “enemy cells”, and continue to grow unhampered and largely undetected. the protein cover is very difficult to strip off unless you have sufficient potent enzymes.
a healthy pancreas produces enough enzymes to digest the food in the stomach, as well as travel through the blood stream to reach other parts of our body where they search for and digest excess/abnormal proteins. when they strip the protein cover off the cancer cells, the immune system within us targets them for elimination by the natural killer cells.
my pancreas doesn't produce enough potent enzymes so i need the pork pancreas which is loaded with live enzymes. how did my pancreas become so inefficient? too much rich fatty foods, and not enough vitamins from green leafy vegetables. and sometimes, even if we eat the right foods, we tend to overcook them such that their natural enzymes are killed off.
a healthy immune system produces natural killer cells which are potent (as opposed to lazy and ineffective). mine no longer is. that's where the raw beef liver comes in. raw beef liver is a rich source of nutrients, chock-full of vitamins, minerals, and other goodies our immune system needs. i'm sure you've all heard of athletes throwing together milk, yoghurt, celery sticks, tomato juice, and raw liver in a blender and drinking the concoction to give them strength and stamina. well, that's why i take the raw beef liver – it is a superfood for my immune system.
could i also take it blended? yeah, i suppose, but i'm used to eating and chewing it. you see, God did a wonderful job of preparing me for so many things in my protocol. He taught me to love strange, exotic foods early on. here's a favorite story, but if you're a rabid animal lover or possess a queasy stomach, maybe you better skip it and just go to the last paragraph.
when i was 7 years old, my uncle totoy or toots, as i called him, took me to his farm in the province. (i already lived in the province, but in the capital town. he took me to the boondocks, about 3 hrs drive away in those days.) it was a fiesta and since he was the rich landowner in the place, he had people all over the farm slaughtering pigs and chickens and goats and cooking them. one item that was never absent in his preparations was dog meat, THE local delicacy.
they butchered the dog by (close your ears if you can't stand 'cruelty' to animals.) tying it securely to a bamboo pole. with a sharp knife, they made a deep gash in it's throat, and caught the warm blood in a bowl. they transferred some of the blood in a glass and mixed in some gin so it wouldn't coagulate very quickly. as is the custom, they offer it to the big man around, my uncle totoy.
he looks at me, smiles, and says, 'give it to my nephew. let him drink it.' so all the guys around looked at me and smiled at the thought of a 7-year old child drinking the concoction, the man who had the glass of blood offered it to me. i looked at my uncle, and he told me to drink it so i'd grow up to be a brave man. i realized then that it was a rite of manhood. everyone expected me to turn it down, but half-hoped, for the sake of my uncle, that i wouldn't. when i hesitated, they said i had better drink it quickly before the blood turned cold and hardened.
i wanted to be brave, and i desperately wanted their approval. most of all, i wanted my uncle's approval. i took the glass of blood and drained it down in one go. the gin improved the taste of warm blood. that whole day, i strutted around like the cock on the walk, pleased with myself for what i had done. i ate anything they placed in front of me – pig's intestines & entrails cooked in blood (dinuguan), raw goat's and dog's meat (kilawin), animal brain made into an omelet, anything.
in my later years, i would eat balut, raw fish (kinilaw or sashimi, sushi), frog's legs, grasshoppers, beetles, freshly-caught eels, raw eggs chickens and birds, and fried ants and ant eggs. my mother herself, bless her soul, introduced me to two filipino delicacies; pampanga's camarro, which is fried larvae dug up from the ground, then deep fried, and the ilocos region's jumping salad. that's raw shrimp soaked in vinegar with salt, chopped garlic, and red and green chillies. why 'jumping'? because they're alive and they hop around in the deep dish they are served in. you put them in your mouth and feel them squirming inside before you chomp down on them with your molars and taste their sweet juicy flesh. hmm, delicious!
raw pork pancreas and raw beef liver? bring them on!
that's part 1 of this post, and we've only reached my first serving of raw pork pancreas. we still haven't even gotten to breakfast yet. as larry henares says, 'more tomorrow.'
Thursday, September 3, 2009
A day I'm glad to have
it's my birthday anniversary today. i'm 59, and alive! ain't that great? for awhile back there, i worried i wouldn't see this day. so i'm very glad to have it to enjoy life.
3 weeks ago, i went to see my alt med doctor, dr jimmy, concerned about the cancer in my left lung and the osseous metastasis in my right bone structure. he asked me sit down, then suddenly stopped, looked at me and asked, 'but how do you feel?' i couldn't suppress a wide smile because the previous day i had done 16 laps and felt pretty good. so i told him. he proceeded to do his muscle testing on me (one day, i'll explain what muscle testing is, but not now.)
when he'd finished, he looked down at me (he's not a tall guy, but he was on his feet and i was seated), and said, 'no, i don't detect any cancer anymore. you're fine.' i was floored. i didn't know if i would jump up and give him a great big hug (nope. i didn't. i'm a bit homophobic.); or break down in tears (neither. i was brought up learning big boys don't cry.); or just dance around the room (not that either. michael had just died so everyone was reprising their moonwalking skills, but i never had any to start with). so, i just sat there and tried to take in the various levels of meanings of his pronouncement.
no more fear? no more worrying? no more raw pancreas and raw liver? well, not that. he quickly disabused me of any notion of giving up those delicacies. he said i have to continue with the protocol for the entire 6 months (3 more months to go) and for the rest of my life, still take them on a reduced frequency so that the cancer doesn't come back.
as i walked out the gate, i remembered to say a quiet prayer of thanks to my Healer. in the excitement, i had temporarily forgotten about Him. but i'm getting better, in the BC days (before cancer), i would have probably reached home in makati from la vista before i would remember.
by the time i got home, the doubts had creeped in. what if dr jimmy was mistaken? what if he's just a quack? what if i'm not healed? so i started to agonize until i remembered who the real Healer is. God said he'd take care of me and i have to keep my faith in His word.
anyway, cris and i decided it's time to use my oncologist's request for another ct scan. i'm still holding off on the request for the mri. the contrast dye they use for ct scans and mri's scares me. i've read that it has bad affects on the kidneys. until i find a compatible kidney donor, who will cheerfully donate his/her kidney to me without cost, i'm taking very good care of my one remaining kidney.
but i recall how inconclusive either of those tests can be. the findings in my left lung were basically disregarded bec they were too faint to definitely indicate cancer cells. the osseous metastasis (i've learned to like the sound of that phrase. it's sooo alliterative. is that the word i want? it glides off the tongue so smoothly, masking its lethal connotation,) was not conclusively cancer either. it could be 1) very bad arthritis, 2) severe trauma, 3) severerer osteoporosis, or 3) severest osseous metastasis. take your pick. you'd have a 25% chance of being right.
so why the hell go through the exercise at all? well, bec it would be so pleasant to hear that the results don't indicate any cancer at all. and it would be sooo ssweeeett to see the face of my oncologist when he reads that report. i wouldn't feel i would have to comfort him anymore. or maybe on second thought, i'd have to comfort him even more when he realizes all their high-tech machinery and expensive education didn't help me at all. (snicker. snicker. snicker.)
and then, another problem reared its head. so, i'm well? what if i was never really sick? what if i didn't have cancer at all? i just said those tests were all inconclusive, didn't i? then all these prayers from friends were a waste of effort? all my blog posts had no meaning? in the words of the bard, were they 'all full of sound and fury, signifying nothing?' will people say i just wasted their sympathy? will my friends now abandon me and label me a fraidy cat, a boy who cried wolf?
oh! the shame! the humiliation! it's almost too much for someone with my inflated ego to bear. good thing my ego is inflated enough to handle it.
the other indicators my oncologist warned me to look out for, are not evident either. he said to watch out for cysts in the lymph nodes around the neck and in the crotch; negative. pain in the affected bones, specifically my right arm; negative. pain in the lower back; positive, but then i've felt pain there for some time, besides, they're more like muscle pains. they go away when i do stretching exercises.
this morning i took my fbs, and it registered at 74. first time i ever went below 84. the only irritating indicator is my weight. i looked at the scales earlier and i'm down to 156 lbs. i had been holding on to 160 for around 3 weeks. but i kind of expected the weight loss bec i've been missing the brown rice part of my meals these past 2 weeks. not everyday, but often enough to make me suspect i'd lose weight.
so for those of you who want to slim down, i highly recommend a vegan diet, guaranteed to help you lose those pounds or kilos or tons. of course the crucial thing is motivation; you just want to lose weight, i don't want to lose my life. it's like someone stuck a loaded gun to your face and said, 'your meat dishes or your life?' no contest, really.
so anyway, a day after seeing dr jimmy, i hied off to the Blessed Sacrament again, sat down, and asked God a direct question, 'am i healed? am i well? am i cancer free?' actually, those were 3 questions.
His response was a simple, 'how do you feel? d'you feel sick? are you weak, tired, debilitated? do you suffer from nausea? vomiting? how do you FEEL?'
sheepishly, i answered, 'to tell You the truth, i feel fine. i feel pretty good, in fact.'
and He said, 'well, what more do you want? church bells ringing? fireworks going off? singing and dancing in the streets?' not in exactly those words, but that was the feeling i got.
and no, those were not what i expected. i wanted reassurance that i was ok. but the sense i also got from Him was, 'that's all the reassurance you'll get, or need. you feel fine, and you are fine. so don't fret over it. say 'thank you' and enjoy your blessings.'
so, thank you, Lord. thank you, cris. thank you, kids, thank you to my family, and thank you to all of you, my friends. you are all blessings to me. oh, and don't go away. it's nice having you around.
and that's life with benjie, on another day i'm glad i have.
3 weeks ago, i went to see my alt med doctor, dr jimmy, concerned about the cancer in my left lung and the osseous metastasis in my right bone structure. he asked me sit down, then suddenly stopped, looked at me and asked, 'but how do you feel?' i couldn't suppress a wide smile because the previous day i had done 16 laps and felt pretty good. so i told him. he proceeded to do his muscle testing on me (one day, i'll explain what muscle testing is, but not now.)
when he'd finished, he looked down at me (he's not a tall guy, but he was on his feet and i was seated), and said, 'no, i don't detect any cancer anymore. you're fine.' i was floored. i didn't know if i would jump up and give him a great big hug (nope. i didn't. i'm a bit homophobic.); or break down in tears (neither. i was brought up learning big boys don't cry.); or just dance around the room (not that either. michael had just died so everyone was reprising their moonwalking skills, but i never had any to start with). so, i just sat there and tried to take in the various levels of meanings of his pronouncement.
no more fear? no more worrying? no more raw pancreas and raw liver? well, not that. he quickly disabused me of any notion of giving up those delicacies. he said i have to continue with the protocol for the entire 6 months (3 more months to go) and for the rest of my life, still take them on a reduced frequency so that the cancer doesn't come back.
as i walked out the gate, i remembered to say a quiet prayer of thanks to my Healer. in the excitement, i had temporarily forgotten about Him. but i'm getting better, in the BC days (before cancer), i would have probably reached home in makati from la vista before i would remember.
by the time i got home, the doubts had creeped in. what if dr jimmy was mistaken? what if he's just a quack? what if i'm not healed? so i started to agonize until i remembered who the real Healer is. God said he'd take care of me and i have to keep my faith in His word.
anyway, cris and i decided it's time to use my oncologist's request for another ct scan. i'm still holding off on the request for the mri. the contrast dye they use for ct scans and mri's scares me. i've read that it has bad affects on the kidneys. until i find a compatible kidney donor, who will cheerfully donate his/her kidney to me without cost, i'm taking very good care of my one remaining kidney.
but i recall how inconclusive either of those tests can be. the findings in my left lung were basically disregarded bec they were too faint to definitely indicate cancer cells. the osseous metastasis (i've learned to like the sound of that phrase. it's sooo alliterative. is that the word i want? it glides off the tongue so smoothly, masking its lethal connotation,) was not conclusively cancer either. it could be 1) very bad arthritis, 2) severe trauma, 3) severerer osteoporosis, or 3) severest osseous metastasis. take your pick. you'd have a 25% chance of being right.
so why the hell go through the exercise at all? well, bec it would be so pleasant to hear that the results don't indicate any cancer at all. and it would be sooo ssweeeett to see the face of my oncologist when he reads that report. i wouldn't feel i would have to comfort him anymore. or maybe on second thought, i'd have to comfort him even more when he realizes all their high-tech machinery and expensive education didn't help me at all. (snicker. snicker. snicker.)
and then, another problem reared its head. so, i'm well? what if i was never really sick? what if i didn't have cancer at all? i just said those tests were all inconclusive, didn't i? then all these prayers from friends were a waste of effort? all my blog posts had no meaning? in the words of the bard, were they 'all full of sound and fury, signifying nothing?' will people say i just wasted their sympathy? will my friends now abandon me and label me a fraidy cat, a boy who cried wolf?
oh! the shame! the humiliation! it's almost too much for someone with my inflated ego to bear. good thing my ego is inflated enough to handle it.
the other indicators my oncologist warned me to look out for, are not evident either. he said to watch out for cysts in the lymph nodes around the neck and in the crotch; negative. pain in the affected bones, specifically my right arm; negative. pain in the lower back; positive, but then i've felt pain there for some time, besides, they're more like muscle pains. they go away when i do stretching exercises.
this morning i took my fbs, and it registered at 74. first time i ever went below 84. the only irritating indicator is my weight. i looked at the scales earlier and i'm down to 156 lbs. i had been holding on to 160 for around 3 weeks. but i kind of expected the weight loss bec i've been missing the brown rice part of my meals these past 2 weeks. not everyday, but often enough to make me suspect i'd lose weight.
so for those of you who want to slim down, i highly recommend a vegan diet, guaranteed to help you lose those pounds or kilos or tons. of course the crucial thing is motivation; you just want to lose weight, i don't want to lose my life. it's like someone stuck a loaded gun to your face and said, 'your meat dishes or your life?' no contest, really.
so anyway, a day after seeing dr jimmy, i hied off to the Blessed Sacrament again, sat down, and asked God a direct question, 'am i healed? am i well? am i cancer free?' actually, those were 3 questions.
His response was a simple, 'how do you feel? d'you feel sick? are you weak, tired, debilitated? do you suffer from nausea? vomiting? how do you FEEL?'
sheepishly, i answered, 'to tell You the truth, i feel fine. i feel pretty good, in fact.'
and He said, 'well, what more do you want? church bells ringing? fireworks going off? singing and dancing in the streets?' not in exactly those words, but that was the feeling i got.
and no, those were not what i expected. i wanted reassurance that i was ok. but the sense i also got from Him was, 'that's all the reassurance you'll get, or need. you feel fine, and you are fine. so don't fret over it. say 'thank you' and enjoy your blessings.'
so, thank you, Lord. thank you, cris. thank you, kids, thank you to my family, and thank you to all of you, my friends. you are all blessings to me. oh, and don't go away. it's nice having you around.
and that's life with benjie, on another day i'm glad i have.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Fellow travelers on different pathways
at the beginning of this journey, ate aiding asked me whether i had heard the recording of randy pausch's 'the last lecture'. i had heard a lot about it, of course. since it was a cause celebre among professors, teachers, and even seminar facilitators. i guess everyone looked up to him as an exemplary educator and a person living his last days to the fullest, asking for neither special consideration, much less pity, from the people around him.
actually, i didn't read randy's lecture until just a few weeks ago. one of the reasons it didn't appeal to me before i got sick, was that i knew it was grounded on his dying of an incurable disease. although i loved to boast that i wasn't afraid of dying because of 'encounters with a yaqui indian' or more popularly known as 'don juan', carlos castaneda's experiences with a peyote-imbibing mexican sorcerer, and because of my Catholic faith. (how can you fear dying when it only means being reunited with the God you swear you love with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. those two factors taught me to accept death as a constant companion. yet truth to tell, i never wanted to turn to him and face him squarely in the face. i kept him at bay, beside me, but only in the periphery of my vision. so randy's lecture was not as inviting to me as it was to others.
when i finally gave in to ate aiding's urging and downloaded a copy of randy's 'the last lecture', i felt a distant closeness to him. 'distant' because i never knew him, yet close because of connections i saw between us.
obviously, we shared the same illness, tho he had pancreatic cancer, the most lethal of cancers, while i had renal cancer.
i didn't major in computer science because the course didn't exist in the phils when i was in college, but i did go into computer programming.
he was a professor, and i did some sort of teaching. he loved stuffed animals, and so did i: stuffed squid, lechon with paella stuffing, rellenong bangus, chicken galantina.
and we both were able to make some childhood dreams come true. mine didn't result in anything as world-changing or consciousness-expanding like his did – floating in zero-gravity, making virtual reality a reality (or is it, realizing virtual reality? or making real virtual reality?), creating new courses that challenged students to learn simultaneously in diverse disciplines - but i got some of my own humble, selfish dreams done just the same.
my list of dreams included: 1) living in europe. done, 9 months in bonn, 4 years in madrid. 2) hitchhiking in europe. oh, very well done! 3) living out michener's 'the drifters' in spain, and to a degree, in morocco. de puta madre, tio! 4) coming home to do my little bit to end the marcos dictatorship. rallies in ayala, including one where i faced down a gun-toting marcos supporter, and the big one on edsa.
randy doled out some valuable pieces of advice: 'brick walls' (problems) allow us banner our dedication. 'don't bail', 'show gratitude', 'don't complain. just work harder.', 'be good at something', 'work hard.' and one i never really bothered with in my life, until lately, 'find the best in everybody.' amen. amen. and amen.
because i started feeling this affinity with him, i wanted to follow him on his journey from the first phases of his illness to the end. i looked for his story and found 'randy pausch's update page'.
http://download.srv.cs.cmu.edu/~pausch/news/index.html
his journey started in early sept 2006, when he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. he had a successful operation that removed all the tumor. he found a chemotherapy treatment that gave him a 45% chance of living up to 5 years. previously, his doctors had given him a 10%-20% chance of lasting that same length of time.
he went to houston from philadelphia for his chemotherapy that took 2 months, from nov to end dec 2006 . then another 5-month session back in philadelphia from late jan 2007 to end april 2007. after that, all indications were great for randy. he survived the chemo sessions with minimal discomfort, although he was fatigued for periods at a time.
may 2007 was a great time for randy. he had finished his chemotherapy treatment; his ct scan was clear and his ca19-9 tumor marker level was 9, which in his words, was 'well within the normal range'. he was well enough to resume his biking. he was able to play flag football with friends after a long absence, and that was only 6 days after finishing his chemo! he and jai even celebrated their 7th wedding anniversary with their children at a resort where he rode a zip line.
then at the end of may, he has an mri exam at john hopkins hospital and discovers a cyst and other lesions. his cancer is back. he has vaccine shots to arrest the growth of the tumors. his treatments take him till the end of july. he gets his last vaccine shot on 23 jul and expects to be back every 6 months for booster shots. he writes, 'Interestingly, this marks the last thing I can do to help myself, which is a little unnerving. I'm channeling that anxiety into starting to hit the gym with real vigor - building my body up in case there are more surgeries or chemo down the road....'
on 26 aug, he gets devastating news. a ct scan reveals he has 10 tumors in his liver and smaller ones in his spleen. the doctors estimate about 3 – 5 months of relatively good health left. after that, they have no way of telling how fast the cancer will progress, but they say it will not be a good way to go. he settles on pallative chemotherapy which will buy him a few more months, but the chances even of that are only 15% – 20%. There is no doubt about the diagnosis. in about a month's time, he will give his 'last lecture' in carnegie-mellon.
in the next months, he goes out of his way to enjoy his remaining days. he and his eldest son, dylan, take a 4-day father and son trip to orlando, florida. the entire pausch family celebrates halloween dressed as 'the incredibles'. in early november, randy and jai take a vacation on their own in virginia, and get to meet sting and the police at a concert. jai is a big police fan.
in the following months, the pallative chemotherapy works and keeps randy strong enough to receive the numerous awards he is granted. he is also commissioned by hyperion, the publishing arm of disney, to turn his 'last lecture' into a book. he works with the pancreatic cancer action network (PanCAN) to drum up funds from private donors and congress for research. he goes scuba diving in the cayman islands.
and most thrilling of all for randy, he is cast in the movie 'star trek: the future begins'. he has a very brief speaking part, but got to keep his own star trek uniform. how's that for making dreams come true?
in early march, randy receives a bit of good news and some bad news. the growth of his tumors seem to have been held in check. however, he has started to suffer from the side effects of his treatments. his chemo drugs have become too toxic for him. his kidneys are functioning at 50%; his blood pressure is up to 200/100. in addition, fluid is suspected in his abdomen which pushes against his lungs and heart, making it difficult for him to sleep on his back.
he is hospitalized and a needle tap is done to draw fluid from around his right lung. the fluid in his left lung is left to be treated with diuretics. he is very weak the whole month of march, but bounces back slightly in april, ready to do battle again.
then, good news! 'the last lecture' is launched and is an instant success. diane sawyer does a talk show on it. great stuff.
on 18 may, he and jai attend the carnegie mellon graduation. a couple of days later, he starts a new chemo treatment. a week later, he starts vomiting and has high fever. the chemo doesn't work. new drug combinations have to be tried.
on 26 jun, randy writes that he continues to recover, albeit very slowly. his ca19-9 level which started at 9 in jun 2007, then went to 94 in feb a year later, to 216 by the end of mar 2008, and then at 634 by mid-may, is now at 1400.
randy dies on 25 jul 2008. given 3 – 5 months to live 12 months earlier, he beats the odds. sadly though, he never reached his goal of 5 years.
my own journey started on 16 april, when i was hospitalized. on 23 apr, i had my radical nephrectomy. in simple terms, i had my right kidney removed because a mass had imploded causing me to piss blood. biopsy on the mass confirmed that it was a carcinoma.
a bone scan conducted previous to the operation, while i was waiting in the hospital for the urologists to arrive from a conference abroad and had really nothing to do, showed that the cancer had probably spread to my left lung and my right clavicle, down to my right arm. a subsequent ct scan showed the same thing. an mri done about 1-½ months later confirmed the bone scan and ct scan findings. the diagnosis was that my right bone structure had “osseous metastasis”. that's what traditional western medicine equipment said. traditional western medicine statistics said i had barely 6 months to live, maybe 2 years if i took the 'right' medicines.
when i consulted my alt med guide, he told me i did have slight traces of cancer cells in my left lung, but that the findings in my right upper bone structure was caused by osteoporosis, not by cancer, tho it had almost the same effect. my bone density was compromised and my bones were brittle; subject to fracture if i wasn't careful.
he said i could cure the cancer with his guidance. i could be free of cancer in 6 months my chances of success? 100% if i followed the protocol religiously. i couldn't help but like those odds. i liked it even more that he was giving me control of my treatment, my health, and my life. he spoke frankly saying that he woudn't be able to cure me. only i would be able to.
and you know about my conversations with God. He gave me the faith and the courage to make my choice of going with alternative medicine. 4 months on, i'm swimming 18 laps, i still drive myself around. (i'm not bed-ridden, nelia.) i function well. and hey! i look great at 160 lbs. my thick, wiry hair has even turned fine and soft. cris and nanay say it's because of my raw vegan diet.
if i had taken the 'gold standard path, i'd be down, net, about p500,000, be nauseous, feel weak, and really scared shitless, all thanks to the 'gold standard' drugs.
i don't mean to say that taking the western medicine path randy took is wrong for everyone, it's just not for me. but i do want to stress that my gratitude belongs more to God than to alternative medicine. He is the Healer.
i loved randy's 'last lecture'. he was intelligent, witty, informative, and above all, brave. yet it bothered me that in his whole lecture, not once did he mention God. his only reference to the spiritual was when he said at the start that he wouldn't talk about spirituality or religion, then joked about having a deathbed conversion and buying a mac.
even in his update page, the only mention of anything relating to God was after more tumors were found in his liver and was given only 5 more months of good health, he thanked carnegie-mellon, his church, his friends, and his family, in that order. even then, no mention of God.
i believe randy believed in God, but like most men of science, he seems to have believed in science more. he believed he had the best doctors in the world, and if you believe that you have 'the best doctors', then how can you look for other alternatives? science gave him 3 – 5 months of good health, and he believed. science told him chemotherapy is the best treatment available, and he believed. science said he had a 15% – 20% chance of lasting 5 years, and he believed. and you know what? what he believed came to pass.
i had a conversation recently with a friend of mine along the same line. the conversation went, 'we have very good doctors who have been taking care of us very well. but when the day comes that they tell us there is nothing more to be done, then we'll just have to give up.' it saddened me because when people say there is no longer any hope, that's when you should start to hope, simply because there is nothing left but giving up.
so, do i have any lessons learned? nothing nearly as profound as randy's. only this one – never give up!
whatever you encounter in your journeys, whatever obstacles, whatever hardships, whatever life throws at you. duck! then, move on. don't bail. don't stop. don't give up.
and that's life with benjie these days, enjoying your company on this journey of life, tho on different pathways.
actually, i didn't read randy's lecture until just a few weeks ago. one of the reasons it didn't appeal to me before i got sick, was that i knew it was grounded on his dying of an incurable disease. although i loved to boast that i wasn't afraid of dying because of 'encounters with a yaqui indian' or more popularly known as 'don juan', carlos castaneda's experiences with a peyote-imbibing mexican sorcerer, and because of my Catholic faith. (how can you fear dying when it only means being reunited with the God you swear you love with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. those two factors taught me to accept death as a constant companion. yet truth to tell, i never wanted to turn to him and face him squarely in the face. i kept him at bay, beside me, but only in the periphery of my vision. so randy's lecture was not as inviting to me as it was to others.
when i finally gave in to ate aiding's urging and downloaded a copy of randy's 'the last lecture', i felt a distant closeness to him. 'distant' because i never knew him, yet close because of connections i saw between us.
obviously, we shared the same illness, tho he had pancreatic cancer, the most lethal of cancers, while i had renal cancer.
i didn't major in computer science because the course didn't exist in the phils when i was in college, but i did go into computer programming.
he was a professor, and i did some sort of teaching. he loved stuffed animals, and so did i: stuffed squid, lechon with paella stuffing, rellenong bangus, chicken galantina.
and we both were able to make some childhood dreams come true. mine didn't result in anything as world-changing or consciousness-expanding like his did – floating in zero-gravity, making virtual reality a reality (or is it, realizing virtual reality? or making real virtual reality?), creating new courses that challenged students to learn simultaneously in diverse disciplines - but i got some of my own humble, selfish dreams done just the same.
my list of dreams included: 1) living in europe. done, 9 months in bonn, 4 years in madrid. 2) hitchhiking in europe. oh, very well done! 3) living out michener's 'the drifters' in spain, and to a degree, in morocco. de puta madre, tio! 4) coming home to do my little bit to end the marcos dictatorship. rallies in ayala, including one where i faced down a gun-toting marcos supporter, and the big one on edsa.
randy doled out some valuable pieces of advice: 'brick walls' (problems) allow us banner our dedication. 'don't bail', 'show gratitude', 'don't complain. just work harder.', 'be good at something', 'work hard.' and one i never really bothered with in my life, until lately, 'find the best in everybody.' amen. amen. and amen.
because i started feeling this affinity with him, i wanted to follow him on his journey from the first phases of his illness to the end. i looked for his story and found 'randy pausch's update page'.
http://download.srv.cs.cmu.edu/~pausch/news/index.html
his journey started in early sept 2006, when he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. he had a successful operation that removed all the tumor. he found a chemotherapy treatment that gave him a 45% chance of living up to 5 years. previously, his doctors had given him a 10%-20% chance of lasting that same length of time.
he went to houston from philadelphia for his chemotherapy that took 2 months, from nov to end dec 2006 . then another 5-month session back in philadelphia from late jan 2007 to end april 2007. after that, all indications were great for randy. he survived the chemo sessions with minimal discomfort, although he was fatigued for periods at a time.
may 2007 was a great time for randy. he had finished his chemotherapy treatment; his ct scan was clear and his ca19-9 tumor marker level was 9, which in his words, was 'well within the normal range'. he was well enough to resume his biking. he was able to play flag football with friends after a long absence, and that was only 6 days after finishing his chemo! he and jai even celebrated their 7th wedding anniversary with their children at a resort where he rode a zip line.
then at the end of may, he has an mri exam at john hopkins hospital and discovers a cyst and other lesions. his cancer is back. he has vaccine shots to arrest the growth of the tumors. his treatments take him till the end of july. he gets his last vaccine shot on 23 jul and expects to be back every 6 months for booster shots. he writes, 'Interestingly, this marks the last thing I can do to help myself, which is a little unnerving. I'm channeling that anxiety into starting to hit the gym with real vigor - building my body up in case there are more surgeries or chemo down the road....'
on 26 aug, he gets devastating news. a ct scan reveals he has 10 tumors in his liver and smaller ones in his spleen. the doctors estimate about 3 – 5 months of relatively good health left. after that, they have no way of telling how fast the cancer will progress, but they say it will not be a good way to go. he settles on pallative chemotherapy which will buy him a few more months, but the chances even of that are only 15% – 20%. There is no doubt about the diagnosis. in about a month's time, he will give his 'last lecture' in carnegie-mellon.
in the next months, he goes out of his way to enjoy his remaining days. he and his eldest son, dylan, take a 4-day father and son trip to orlando, florida. the entire pausch family celebrates halloween dressed as 'the incredibles'. in early november, randy and jai take a vacation on their own in virginia, and get to meet sting and the police at a concert. jai is a big police fan.
in the following months, the pallative chemotherapy works and keeps randy strong enough to receive the numerous awards he is granted. he is also commissioned by hyperion, the publishing arm of disney, to turn his 'last lecture' into a book. he works with the pancreatic cancer action network (PanCAN) to drum up funds from private donors and congress for research. he goes scuba diving in the cayman islands.
and most thrilling of all for randy, he is cast in the movie 'star trek: the future begins'. he has a very brief speaking part, but got to keep his own star trek uniform. how's that for making dreams come true?
in early march, randy receives a bit of good news and some bad news. the growth of his tumors seem to have been held in check. however, he has started to suffer from the side effects of his treatments. his chemo drugs have become too toxic for him. his kidneys are functioning at 50%; his blood pressure is up to 200/100. in addition, fluid is suspected in his abdomen which pushes against his lungs and heart, making it difficult for him to sleep on his back.
he is hospitalized and a needle tap is done to draw fluid from around his right lung. the fluid in his left lung is left to be treated with diuretics. he is very weak the whole month of march, but bounces back slightly in april, ready to do battle again.
then, good news! 'the last lecture' is launched and is an instant success. diane sawyer does a talk show on it. great stuff.
on 18 may, he and jai attend the carnegie mellon graduation. a couple of days later, he starts a new chemo treatment. a week later, he starts vomiting and has high fever. the chemo doesn't work. new drug combinations have to be tried.
on 26 jun, randy writes that he continues to recover, albeit very slowly. his ca19-9 level which started at 9 in jun 2007, then went to 94 in feb a year later, to 216 by the end of mar 2008, and then at 634 by mid-may, is now at 1400.
randy dies on 25 jul 2008. given 3 – 5 months to live 12 months earlier, he beats the odds. sadly though, he never reached his goal of 5 years.
my own journey started on 16 april, when i was hospitalized. on 23 apr, i had my radical nephrectomy. in simple terms, i had my right kidney removed because a mass had imploded causing me to piss blood. biopsy on the mass confirmed that it was a carcinoma.
a bone scan conducted previous to the operation, while i was waiting in the hospital for the urologists to arrive from a conference abroad and had really nothing to do, showed that the cancer had probably spread to my left lung and my right clavicle, down to my right arm. a subsequent ct scan showed the same thing. an mri done about 1-½ months later confirmed the bone scan and ct scan findings. the diagnosis was that my right bone structure had “osseous metastasis”. that's what traditional western medicine equipment said. traditional western medicine statistics said i had barely 6 months to live, maybe 2 years if i took the 'right' medicines.
when i consulted my alt med guide, he told me i did have slight traces of cancer cells in my left lung, but that the findings in my right upper bone structure was caused by osteoporosis, not by cancer, tho it had almost the same effect. my bone density was compromised and my bones were brittle; subject to fracture if i wasn't careful.
he said i could cure the cancer with his guidance. i could be free of cancer in 6 months my chances of success? 100% if i followed the protocol religiously. i couldn't help but like those odds. i liked it even more that he was giving me control of my treatment, my health, and my life. he spoke frankly saying that he woudn't be able to cure me. only i would be able to.
and you know about my conversations with God. He gave me the faith and the courage to make my choice of going with alternative medicine. 4 months on, i'm swimming 18 laps, i still drive myself around. (i'm not bed-ridden, nelia.) i function well. and hey! i look great at 160 lbs. my thick, wiry hair has even turned fine and soft. cris and nanay say it's because of my raw vegan diet.
if i had taken the 'gold standard path, i'd be down, net, about p500,000, be nauseous, feel weak, and really scared shitless, all thanks to the 'gold standard' drugs.
i don't mean to say that taking the western medicine path randy took is wrong for everyone, it's just not for me. but i do want to stress that my gratitude belongs more to God than to alternative medicine. He is the Healer.
i loved randy's 'last lecture'. he was intelligent, witty, informative, and above all, brave. yet it bothered me that in his whole lecture, not once did he mention God. his only reference to the spiritual was when he said at the start that he wouldn't talk about spirituality or religion, then joked about having a deathbed conversion and buying a mac.
even in his update page, the only mention of anything relating to God was after more tumors were found in his liver and was given only 5 more months of good health, he thanked carnegie-mellon, his church, his friends, and his family, in that order. even then, no mention of God.
i believe randy believed in God, but like most men of science, he seems to have believed in science more. he believed he had the best doctors in the world, and if you believe that you have 'the best doctors', then how can you look for other alternatives? science gave him 3 – 5 months of good health, and he believed. science told him chemotherapy is the best treatment available, and he believed. science said he had a 15% – 20% chance of lasting 5 years, and he believed. and you know what? what he believed came to pass.
i had a conversation recently with a friend of mine along the same line. the conversation went, 'we have very good doctors who have been taking care of us very well. but when the day comes that they tell us there is nothing more to be done, then we'll just have to give up.' it saddened me because when people say there is no longer any hope, that's when you should start to hope, simply because there is nothing left but giving up.
so, do i have any lessons learned? nothing nearly as profound as randy's. only this one – never give up!
whatever you encounter in your journeys, whatever obstacles, whatever hardships, whatever life throws at you. duck! then, move on. don't bail. don't stop. don't give up.
and that's life with benjie these days, enjoying your company on this journey of life, tho on different pathways.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Staying the course
i've deliberated these past weeks whether to continue this blog with accounts of my journey, or to write about other things. you see, in your shoes, i'd be starting to tire of reading about the trials and tribulations of one person, no matter how good a friend he is. well, it just goes to show what kind of friend i am.
however, i have decided, as the title of this post states, to stay the course, based on your comments in this blog, on emailed messages, and on conversations with friends.
i started this blog for simple reasons. there were some things i wanted to say to cris and my children and i thought writing them down was the best way to get them across. gathering everyone for a meeting is difficult because often everyone is not in the frame of mind to listen. and i don't like repeating myself, so i figured if i wrote my thoughts down, each one could read them when they were best disposed to. writing gave me an opportunity to review my words before i release them; to make sure i'm saying what i really mean to say.
i also wanted to let some close friends know what was happening to me. i didn't want to have to discuss my condition with everyone who sincerely wanted a truthful answer to 'how are you?' i can simply say, 'read my blog if you really want to know. if not, i'm good.'
i could have a record of what i said to remind myself of the things i'm going through. i don't want to forget my cancer. i have this disease, malfunction, malignancy, whatever, in my body, and i don't want to ever deny it. this is also the reason i usually wear my red Carewell Community band. it reminds me of my mortality, and helps to keep me less arrogant than i usually am. (i'm working or eliminating the arrogance. honest!)
i didn't intend it to be an apologia on my way of life, nor an exposè of my dreams and frustrations in life, nor an inspirational tract on relationships with God. i never dreamed i would be telling you about my conversations with God. but it has metamorphosed from a simple memo to something way beyond my objectives.
it's no longer just about me, but about us, friends in a journey of life. without meaning to, i have drawn you closer to me; and you have responded with your companionship. before i forget, a heartfelt 'thank you' to all.
i write the blog but you help shape what comes out with your comments, your private emails about what i write, and what you tell me personally. this makes the blog much more interesting and meaningful to all of us. for we each have our own journeys thru life.
this blog is about my journey given my condition. sometimes, the journey is a financial one, basically from a point of want, to a point of satisfaction or beyond. other times, the journey is from a life lacking in meaning to one of fulfillment. again, there are journeys from personal acquisition to a generous sharing of one's life. often, it is a combination of all of these. we travel several pathways simultaneously, but thru this blog our paths meet; for a time they become one, then they head off in different directions again. our paths will converge again and again as long as we remain in touch.
as we journey, we experience our own difficulties, our own struggles. at journey's end, sometimes, if we're good, worked hard, and are blessed, we find ourselves in the destinations we set out when we started. more often, we fall short of our destinations no matter how hard we tried, how much desire we put into our efforts. we may fall short, but we do not fail. the journey itself is the essence of our lives, not the end. therefore, take pleasure in it, no matter your circumstances.
let me now provide you with a medical update. however much you enjoy my messages in this blog, a lot of you still read it just to keep tabs on my health. considering my last update was about 21 days ago, i should let you know how i'm doing.
i left you with the news that my mri indicated osseous metastasis in my clavicle and right arm. i was supposed to see my onco the following week, but i didn't. that was my dark period of fear, despair, and self-pity. but after that scolding from God, i felt much better and told you so. that should really have satisfied you, but you're looking for medical evidence about my wellness. well, ness, i'm well. goodness.
i did see the onco last week on a wednesday, and among his first words were, 'i didn't think you'd be coming back to see me,' which got some chuckles all around. but i quickly came down to business and told him that i would like to continue seeing him for medical tests. the ct scans, the mri's, the whatever that would provide scientific indicators about my medical state. but, i stressed, i had decided against accepting any traditional western medical treatment. no sutent, no nexavar, no interferone. i confessed i was using an alt med treatment and taking food supplements.
he had such a sorrowful look on his face, i wanted to hold him in my arms and comfort him. he said that if that's my decision, he'd go along with it. he said there were numerous cases of people with cancer walking around hale and hearty, and you wonder how they get by without any treatment. at that point, i felt like shouting, 'hey, doc. i have a treatment, only it doesn't involve sutent! didn't you hear what i said?' because apparently for him, an alt med treatment is no treatment at all.
anyway, he promised to consult with the radiology doctor about my mri scans because it's hard to conclude with the indicators they have. the dark color in my clavicle and right arm could be osseous metastasis. or, it could be osteoporosis (as my alt med guide told me it was). or, it could be arthrities, or something else. after he had a chance to speak with the radiology doctor, he would have a better idea. so we promised to get back to him, this week, which we didn't. i got very busy on monday and on wednesday, his 2 clinic days. we're freeing our schedule to see him on monday.
so far, i think i'm doing pretty well. the diarrhea has stopped, i'm eating well, except on those days when i have to go out and can't take my regular meals on time. the unwanted result is that i have lost another 2 pounds, and i'm down to about 165 lbs. i wanted to be at 175. and the 36”-waist pants i purchased a few weeks back are now a bit loose for me.
but not to worry, please. my appetite is still good. but i'm really having a difficult time eating a lot, what with all the supplements and glasses of water i have to drink everyday. that fills me up and i don't feel like eating much. however, cris and the children have been baking much better whole wheat bread and i often snack on that with cottage cheese or the delicious original kesong puti that manny provided for me. i'm eating more saba bananas, which are the best because they're chock full of potassium. i'm drinking more fresh apple juice. i'm eating well.
i also had a minor problem with my digestive enzymes because i'm missing at least 1 serving of my raw pork pancreas (rpp) 2 – 3 days out of every week. dr jimmy, my alt med guide, told me i shouldn't let that happen. so he made me buy some pancreatic capsules that i can take when i'm out and can't eat the rpp. i have to take 12 caps for every serving i miss, which goes to show how potent the rpp is. anyway, at almost p28/cap, each rpp serving is worth about p333.33. and i have to have 7 servings a day! i've resolved not to miss another rpp serving. i'll just keep the pancreatic caps for 'just in case'.
i told you i wanted to take up some weight lifting, but my onco said no, my orthopedic surgeon said no, and my alt med guide said no. my younger children tho have helped me rediscover the joys and benefits of swimming. the other sunday, out of the blue, anne said she wanted to go swimming. naturally, the twins piped in too. so they decided they would go that afternoon to the camp aguinaldo officers' club swimming pool. sunday's my real rest day (truth to tell, everyday is a rest day for me.), and i didn't want to join them. but i said, 'what the... i keep saying i need to exercise, so go!' and i did.
we spent a great 2 hours in the pool. i was able to do 4 laps of breaststroke and 4 of freestyle, until i decided that was enough. then, i watched the twins and mikey race the length of the pool back and forth. mikey won, but jerome almost beat him on the 1st leg, and jeremiah almost caught up with him on the return lap. anne too was able to swim the length of the pool all by herself.
we've been back once on a thursday after school, and i went by myself last friday. i did 14 laps, 8 of breaststroke and 6 of freestyle. i'm also checking mikey's bike to make sure everything works well, so i can do biking also. so, i'm good with exercising.
i'd like to report that it's been 3 months since my operation on apr 22, when my cancer was spotted. i still feel fine. i continue to do most of what i used to do before my operation, except that i rest more now. don't spread it around, but my resting is more from choice than from necessity. tamad talaga ako. thanks for your prayers. please continue with them. i really believe they're what's keeping me alive and well.
a new minor problem is my eyesight. it has deteriorated considerably. but make no mistake, i can see well enough to drive though i drive my friends crazy when i put on my shades to drive at night. i do it cause i have sharper vision with them on and the bright headlights don't bother me much. my theory is that the shades force my pupils to dilate to take in more light, so i see better. those of you who know better, don't correct me. better i don't know. i love looking cool with shades at night.
i went to see an opthalmologist about it. i was diagnosed with slight cataract. expected, because it runs in the family. actually, the term he used was 'thin' cataracts in both eyes. not too bad yet. as to my blurred vision, he said my right eye is a lazy eye (amblyopia). it means my brain is not receiving all the info my eye sees; something awry with the connection.
anyway, the optha says the operation is an out-patient operation, 1 hour at most. he suggested we start with my right eye. when i asked if it would remedy my blurred vision, he said it wouldn't. so i suggested that we start with my left eye if it would help me see better more quickly. and he said, it wouldn't help either since the cataract isn't that bad, so there would really be minimum improvement, but we should have the operations as soon as possible anyway. oh, okkkkayyyy.
my next question was how much the operations would cost. he said not to worry about that cause it would be covered by my health card i would only have to pay for the lenses they would implant in my eyes. the cost of each lens (isn't the singular for this, 'len'?) would vary from a low of p1,500 to a high of p15,000. of course, he wouldn't recommend the cheaper models, which is what they use in medical missions for the poor, because they're not reliable and tend to break down after a year or two. better to stick to the higher end models, starting from p12,000 up. what about in the p10,000 price range? oh, yes, there are available lenses in that range which are still pretty good, but the p12,000 ones are much better.
he explained the procedure of the operations and what i would have to do to ready myself for them - approval of my cardio, biometric testing of my eyes. i went home after that convinced that i should have the operations. in the comfort of home, i began to think. if the operations aren't really going to improve my eyesight because i have amblyopia anyway, why should i have the operations? oh, because i don't have to pay for them. the hmo will do that. i only have to pay for the two p12,000 lenses.
we (when i use this pronoun, it means cris and i) decided to seek a second opinion from an optha friend. he confirmed the diagnosis of mild cataract and amblyopia, but he didn't recommend operations. i asked about medications, and he said since my diet is full of antioxidants and vitamins, there's nothing more he can add. he also said there are no eye exercises for my condition. he recommended another test to find out the extent of my eye problem.
so why didn't the second optha recommend the operations? 3 possible reasons: 1) he's not on hmo, 2) he's a family friend, and 3) he's simply a better doctor who takes good care of his patients. or in his case, all three.
my lesson learned is to always get a second opinion, or even a third, or fourth. when to stop? when you're convinced the doctor is sincere and looks at you as person who needs medical help instead of simply a source of his income.
oh, you'll want to know if i've had any further conversations with God. well, given the berating i received, i wasn't too eager to seek Him out again, but i did visit the Blessed Sacrament again a week after our last talk. well, He didn't tell me to run for president of the phils like He did some people. He didn't tell me the next winning lotto combination either so forget about getting a share of any winnings from me.
after i sat down in my usual place, and declared myself ready to receive His word, but not without some trepidation, He said, 'just sit down there and let me comfort you.' nothing earth-shaking, mind-bending, or heart-stopping. just a few words of solace. i felt so good. i did as i was told, basked in His presence, and rested.
so, that's still life with benjie, and you, sharing our journeys.
however, i have decided, as the title of this post states, to stay the course, based on your comments in this blog, on emailed messages, and on conversations with friends.
i started this blog for simple reasons. there were some things i wanted to say to cris and my children and i thought writing them down was the best way to get them across. gathering everyone for a meeting is difficult because often everyone is not in the frame of mind to listen. and i don't like repeating myself, so i figured if i wrote my thoughts down, each one could read them when they were best disposed to. writing gave me an opportunity to review my words before i release them; to make sure i'm saying what i really mean to say.
i also wanted to let some close friends know what was happening to me. i didn't want to have to discuss my condition with everyone who sincerely wanted a truthful answer to 'how are you?' i can simply say, 'read my blog if you really want to know. if not, i'm good.'
i could have a record of what i said to remind myself of the things i'm going through. i don't want to forget my cancer. i have this disease, malfunction, malignancy, whatever, in my body, and i don't want to ever deny it. this is also the reason i usually wear my red Carewell Community band. it reminds me of my mortality, and helps to keep me less arrogant than i usually am. (i'm working or eliminating the arrogance. honest!)
i didn't intend it to be an apologia on my way of life, nor an exposè of my dreams and frustrations in life, nor an inspirational tract on relationships with God. i never dreamed i would be telling you about my conversations with God. but it has metamorphosed from a simple memo to something way beyond my objectives.
it's no longer just about me, but about us, friends in a journey of life. without meaning to, i have drawn you closer to me; and you have responded with your companionship. before i forget, a heartfelt 'thank you' to all.
i write the blog but you help shape what comes out with your comments, your private emails about what i write, and what you tell me personally. this makes the blog much more interesting and meaningful to all of us. for we each have our own journeys thru life.
this blog is about my journey given my condition. sometimes, the journey is a financial one, basically from a point of want, to a point of satisfaction or beyond. other times, the journey is from a life lacking in meaning to one of fulfillment. again, there are journeys from personal acquisition to a generous sharing of one's life. often, it is a combination of all of these. we travel several pathways simultaneously, but thru this blog our paths meet; for a time they become one, then they head off in different directions again. our paths will converge again and again as long as we remain in touch.
as we journey, we experience our own difficulties, our own struggles. at journey's end, sometimes, if we're good, worked hard, and are blessed, we find ourselves in the destinations we set out when we started. more often, we fall short of our destinations no matter how hard we tried, how much desire we put into our efforts. we may fall short, but we do not fail. the journey itself is the essence of our lives, not the end. therefore, take pleasure in it, no matter your circumstances.
let me now provide you with a medical update. however much you enjoy my messages in this blog, a lot of you still read it just to keep tabs on my health. considering my last update was about 21 days ago, i should let you know how i'm doing.
i left you with the news that my mri indicated osseous metastasis in my clavicle and right arm. i was supposed to see my onco the following week, but i didn't. that was my dark period of fear, despair, and self-pity. but after that scolding from God, i felt much better and told you so. that should really have satisfied you, but you're looking for medical evidence about my wellness. well, ness, i'm well. goodness.
i did see the onco last week on a wednesday, and among his first words were, 'i didn't think you'd be coming back to see me,' which got some chuckles all around. but i quickly came down to business and told him that i would like to continue seeing him for medical tests. the ct scans, the mri's, the whatever that would provide scientific indicators about my medical state. but, i stressed, i had decided against accepting any traditional western medical treatment. no sutent, no nexavar, no interferone. i confessed i was using an alt med treatment and taking food supplements.
he had such a sorrowful look on his face, i wanted to hold him in my arms and comfort him. he said that if that's my decision, he'd go along with it. he said there were numerous cases of people with cancer walking around hale and hearty, and you wonder how they get by without any treatment. at that point, i felt like shouting, 'hey, doc. i have a treatment, only it doesn't involve sutent! didn't you hear what i said?' because apparently for him, an alt med treatment is no treatment at all.
anyway, he promised to consult with the radiology doctor about my mri scans because it's hard to conclude with the indicators they have. the dark color in my clavicle and right arm could be osseous metastasis. or, it could be osteoporosis (as my alt med guide told me it was). or, it could be arthrities, or something else. after he had a chance to speak with the radiology doctor, he would have a better idea. so we promised to get back to him, this week, which we didn't. i got very busy on monday and on wednesday, his 2 clinic days. we're freeing our schedule to see him on monday.
so far, i think i'm doing pretty well. the diarrhea has stopped, i'm eating well, except on those days when i have to go out and can't take my regular meals on time. the unwanted result is that i have lost another 2 pounds, and i'm down to about 165 lbs. i wanted to be at 175. and the 36”-waist pants i purchased a few weeks back are now a bit loose for me.
but not to worry, please. my appetite is still good. but i'm really having a difficult time eating a lot, what with all the supplements and glasses of water i have to drink everyday. that fills me up and i don't feel like eating much. however, cris and the children have been baking much better whole wheat bread and i often snack on that with cottage cheese or the delicious original kesong puti that manny provided for me. i'm eating more saba bananas, which are the best because they're chock full of potassium. i'm drinking more fresh apple juice. i'm eating well.
i also had a minor problem with my digestive enzymes because i'm missing at least 1 serving of my raw pork pancreas (rpp) 2 – 3 days out of every week. dr jimmy, my alt med guide, told me i shouldn't let that happen. so he made me buy some pancreatic capsules that i can take when i'm out and can't eat the rpp. i have to take 12 caps for every serving i miss, which goes to show how potent the rpp is. anyway, at almost p28/cap, each rpp serving is worth about p333.33. and i have to have 7 servings a day! i've resolved not to miss another rpp serving. i'll just keep the pancreatic caps for 'just in case'.
i told you i wanted to take up some weight lifting, but my onco said no, my orthopedic surgeon said no, and my alt med guide said no. my younger children tho have helped me rediscover the joys and benefits of swimming. the other sunday, out of the blue, anne said she wanted to go swimming. naturally, the twins piped in too. so they decided they would go that afternoon to the camp aguinaldo officers' club swimming pool. sunday's my real rest day (truth to tell, everyday is a rest day for me.), and i didn't want to join them. but i said, 'what the... i keep saying i need to exercise, so go!' and i did.
we spent a great 2 hours in the pool. i was able to do 4 laps of breaststroke and 4 of freestyle, until i decided that was enough. then, i watched the twins and mikey race the length of the pool back and forth. mikey won, but jerome almost beat him on the 1st leg, and jeremiah almost caught up with him on the return lap. anne too was able to swim the length of the pool all by herself.
we've been back once on a thursday after school, and i went by myself last friday. i did 14 laps, 8 of breaststroke and 6 of freestyle. i'm also checking mikey's bike to make sure everything works well, so i can do biking also. so, i'm good with exercising.
i'd like to report that it's been 3 months since my operation on apr 22, when my cancer was spotted. i still feel fine. i continue to do most of what i used to do before my operation, except that i rest more now. don't spread it around, but my resting is more from choice than from necessity. tamad talaga ako. thanks for your prayers. please continue with them. i really believe they're what's keeping me alive and well.
a new minor problem is my eyesight. it has deteriorated considerably. but make no mistake, i can see well enough to drive though i drive my friends crazy when i put on my shades to drive at night. i do it cause i have sharper vision with them on and the bright headlights don't bother me much. my theory is that the shades force my pupils to dilate to take in more light, so i see better. those of you who know better, don't correct me. better i don't know. i love looking cool with shades at night.
i went to see an opthalmologist about it. i was diagnosed with slight cataract. expected, because it runs in the family. actually, the term he used was 'thin' cataracts in both eyes. not too bad yet. as to my blurred vision, he said my right eye is a lazy eye (amblyopia). it means my brain is not receiving all the info my eye sees; something awry with the connection.
anyway, the optha says the operation is an out-patient operation, 1 hour at most. he suggested we start with my right eye. when i asked if it would remedy my blurred vision, he said it wouldn't. so i suggested that we start with my left eye if it would help me see better more quickly. and he said, it wouldn't help either since the cataract isn't that bad, so there would really be minimum improvement, but we should have the operations as soon as possible anyway. oh, okkkkayyyy.
my next question was how much the operations would cost. he said not to worry about that cause it would be covered by my health card i would only have to pay for the lenses they would implant in my eyes. the cost of each lens (isn't the singular for this, 'len'?) would vary from a low of p1,500 to a high of p15,000. of course, he wouldn't recommend the cheaper models, which is what they use in medical missions for the poor, because they're not reliable and tend to break down after a year or two. better to stick to the higher end models, starting from p12,000 up. what about in the p10,000 price range? oh, yes, there are available lenses in that range which are still pretty good, but the p12,000 ones are much better.
he explained the procedure of the operations and what i would have to do to ready myself for them - approval of my cardio, biometric testing of my eyes. i went home after that convinced that i should have the operations. in the comfort of home, i began to think. if the operations aren't really going to improve my eyesight because i have amblyopia anyway, why should i have the operations? oh, because i don't have to pay for them. the hmo will do that. i only have to pay for the two p12,000 lenses.
we (when i use this pronoun, it means cris and i) decided to seek a second opinion from an optha friend. he confirmed the diagnosis of mild cataract and amblyopia, but he didn't recommend operations. i asked about medications, and he said since my diet is full of antioxidants and vitamins, there's nothing more he can add. he also said there are no eye exercises for my condition. he recommended another test to find out the extent of my eye problem.
so why didn't the second optha recommend the operations? 3 possible reasons: 1) he's not on hmo, 2) he's a family friend, and 3) he's simply a better doctor who takes good care of his patients. or in his case, all three.
my lesson learned is to always get a second opinion, or even a third, or fourth. when to stop? when you're convinced the doctor is sincere and looks at you as person who needs medical help instead of simply a source of his income.
oh, you'll want to know if i've had any further conversations with God. well, given the berating i received, i wasn't too eager to seek Him out again, but i did visit the Blessed Sacrament again a week after our last talk. well, He didn't tell me to run for president of the phils like He did some people. He didn't tell me the next winning lotto combination either so forget about getting a share of any winnings from me.
after i sat down in my usual place, and declared myself ready to receive His word, but not without some trepidation, He said, 'just sit down there and let me comfort you.' nothing earth-shaking, mind-bending, or heart-stopping. just a few words of solace. i felt so good. i did as i was told, basked in His presence, and rested.
so, that's still life with benjie, and you, sharing our journeys.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Conversations with my God
these past 14 days or so, have seen me at my lowest point since i started this blog. the bad news actually started when i got my 'osseous metastasis' results from the mri. in my 'yoyo update' post (27 jun), i was flippant and seemed to view my condition without the seriousness it merited.
to some of you, i must have come off sounding either like an idiot, who had no idea what i was sick of, or a person in denial. i assure you i'm not in denial. i know i have cancer, and that's serious. as to being an idiot, well, i have to admit, i have my moments, but not when dealing with my condition.
i don't like to pity myself and i don't like people pitying me, so i make jokes about myself. but i realize there's no way i can stop people from pitying me. they look at me, and those who read this blog, see CANCER in bright, flashing lights shining above my head. 'what a pity. such a nice, entertaining, _______, and ________ (fill in the blanks with your favorite adjectives of me) fellow, and he's dying.'
i have this sneaky feeling, i'll be invited to less and less parties. people don't want to be reminded of death on their doorstep. this is totally normal and understandable. i'm cool with that.
but the way i see it, we're all dying from the moment we're born anyway. only thing is with my condition, i thought i knew, at least roughly, how long i had to live.
the monday before the report, my fbs (fasting blood sugar) count went to 141. that was the highest since i'd started my alt med treatment in june, higher even than my counts the 1st 2 weeks i was out of the hospital, while i was taking my hospital-issued medicines. i kept hitting high counts that week, and i didn't know why. i was sticking to my diet and my treatments. except that on certain days, i'd allow myself to get hungry and eat a lot of fruits. lots of fruits = sugar.
then on wednesday that previous week, another reminder of the proximity of death. i got word that chitong kabigting, our half-brother (one of my dad's 10 children from his 1st wife) had passed away. he was 64, but had been suffering from diabetes for years. i later learned from cecille, his daughter, that he had seemed to have just given up on life, refusing to see his friends, eating forbidden food, and later, refusing to take his medicines.
the following sunday, my brothers and i had already planned to meet at my place for merienda to celebrate 3 birthdays: our mom's birthday (26 jun), cris' birthday (29 jun), and my sister-in-law, arlene's birthday (1 jul). we just couldn't settle on a time. when saturday came around, we'd agreed we'd attend the last mass for chitong at loyola chapels before having dinner, instead of merienda.
sunday morning, i began to feel bad. after serving at the 7am mass and giving communion to the sick as is my regular sunday schedule, i decided to exercise a bit by just walking home with jeremiah. it was just an extra 15 mins walk, but i figured the sunshine would do me, and my complexion, some good.
but after breakfast, i started to feel nauseous and could hardly keep my breakfast down. i decided to lie down and slept until 11am, skipping my morning snack. i kept my scheduled appointments, but felt weak and slightly nauseous the whole day.
the next day, on cris' birthday, i ate my usual breakfast but developed diarrhea afterwards. the whole day, i didn't take solid food. for lunch, i had a glass of freshly made orange juice and another at 4pm; a glass of fresh pineapple juice at 530, and before going to bed. i even stopped taking all my medication.
i made about 7 trips to the toilet the whole day, and everything came out water.
despite that, cris and i went to the fiesta mass of sts peter & paul, and stayed for the fellowship dinner afterwards, but i didn't take a bite.
the next day, i felt better, so i had my usual fare for breakfast and lunch, tho in reduced quantities because i still felt nauseous. i took my medications again, except for one that was a laxative.
in the evening, i went to mass for La Virgen de la Rosa, the patroness of our parish. raul, the president of Cofradia dela Virgen de la Rosa, saw me and gave me a rose in honor of our Lady. all the roses were blessed by fr lito after the mass. since it was cris' birthday the previous day, i thought it would be a nice gift for her; a rose from the Blessed Mother to a mother.
despite feeling nauseous earlier, i actually ate a lot during dinner. i even finished up my daughter anne's pasta with putanesca sauce, which she purposely left for me.
the following day, wednesday, i ate my usual breakfast. but when i drank my medications, i immediately threw them up. i was nauseous. i went to bed, and tried to sleep, but i was very depressed.
it was the first time i vomited anything. i was weak and dizzy. i had started a new stage in my alt med treatment the previous saturday, and was warned i'd feel worse before i felt better again, but i didn't expect diarrhea, nausea, and bouts of depression.
my fbs that morning was 121. i weighed myself later and found i had lost about 7 lbs, down to 167. i had wanted to remain at 175 for the next 2 weeks.
i began to believe that my cancer was finally taking over. i was feeling all the symptoms; weakness, vomiting, nausea, weight loss. every little pain i felt, i attributed to my cancer. i even checked my hair until i remembered i wasn't doing chemotherapy.
i began to doubt my alt med treatment. what if it wasn't working after all? what if i should just have stuck to traditional western medicine? but that path also led to doubting my God. didn't He say He would be my Healer? what was He doing? was He doing anything at all for me? and i knew i was entering dangerous grounds. you can doubt what you're doing, you can doubt what your physician or alt med guide tells you, you can even doubt your wisdom and sanity, but when you doubt your faith and your God, what do you have left?
so after lunch, which i managed to hold down, i started doing some exercises. brief stretching and lifting some weights. and i decided to visit the the Blessed Sacrament that afternoon before going to mass.
despite the dizziness, i made myself take a shower and dress up. i walked to st andrew and went to the adoration chapel. i sat down after my opening prayers and asked Him to speak to me and to advice me. i immediately received 2 commands from Him. first, 'prepare yourself.' and second, 'I will come for you sooner than you think.'
my inner calm was shattered. as is my nature when things do not resolve themselves around me the way i want them to, i rebelled. how could my kind, generous God be so cold? i rejected the message.
'prepare yourself', was understandable and easy to accept. make myself ready spiritually for the Lord. go to confesssion. go to mass. receive the communion. pray.
but, 'I will come for you sooner than you think'? if i believed the statistics of patients in my condition, i had barely 5 months left. and He would come still sooner than i thought?
i refused the messages vehemently, but i also began to argue with myself. if i believed thatGod had told me that my treatment wasn't the critical factor; He was, because He was the Healer, how could i refuse to believe these subsequent messages i had received in the same adoration chapel, in the same pew? it would be illogical and inconsistent to disbelieve. would i believe only what i wanted to believe, and refuse whatever frightened me? would i ask Him to hold off, heal me first, and only then, come for me?
painfully, i forced myself to objectively consider the messages, especially the second. if that was God's will, i not only had no choice in the matter, but, to be true to my faith, would have to accept it willingly, gladly. it was very difficult, but what choice did i really have? i could rail about the injustice of it all. beat my breast and say, 'here i am surrendering myself totally up to You, and this is how You repay my faith and trust?'
i began to accept the messages slowly. sadly, with fear, but with a resolution that surprised even me. fine. i'll prepare myself. and i would see the Lord sooner than i thought. no more doubts. just acceptance.
i prayed to the Lord for strength to continue accepting His will in my life, or my death, as the case may be. i thanked Him for His messages. i tried my best to mean my gratitude, but it wasn't easy. i went to mass with His words heavy on my mind.
i went home and looked at my family, and managed not to be teary-eyed. i hugged my daughter briefly, but tightly. i made sure to kiss my younger sons goodnight. the older ones would find it strange should i try to kiss them at all. i was worried cris might notice my sudden tenderness. later, i would hold her and tell her i loved her.
i agonized whether to share the messages in this blog at all. after reveling in the goodness of God when He assured me He would be my Healer, how could i reveal Him going back on His word? after expressing gratitude over His benevolence, how could i tell everyone that He had withdrawn His support?
but i knew that i would have to. i had to remain truthful and consistent. if i had published His 'I am the Healer' message, i had to publish these messages too. whatever they meant to me, however hurt i felt with them, they were His messages to make known, not mine to withhold. still, it has taken me time to gather the courage to write this update.
the next morning, i was so depressed by the messages that i remained in bed, listless and feeling sorry for myself. but after lunch, i had to finally tell myself to cut it out. giving up is something that's acceptable neither to me nor to God. if He came for me, ok, i'd go, maybe not as willingly as i want to believe, but i wouldn't kick and fuss. i would be prepared and ready.
i lifted weights. that perked me up. then, i decided to visit the Blessed Sacrament again. after my opening prayers of adoration and thanks, i again sat down (not in the same pew as the last night, but in the opposite side. no, i'm not superstitious. someone was in my usual seat.) and asked God for guidance.
His voice was suddenly like thunder in my ears. “so, I am coming for you in 3 months? you know My thoughts now? you are privy to My timetable?”
if i was having a conversation with God, i'd be stammering. i was confused. 'but didn't You say You were coming sooner than i thought? and didn't i read that the mean average lifetime of someone in my condition is 5.67 months? so, i thought You'd come in 3 – 4 months because 2 months have passed since my cancer was discovered.'
God: 'did I say 5.67 months? are you able to read My mind?; in my own mind, i was on my knees cringing. 'I will come, when I will come!'
me: 'but i thought...that You had decided to take me already. i have cancer. i've started to feel weak. i vomited this morning. why would You extend my life? i can't believe You think i'm that worthy or deserving.'
God: 'I will send my graces to whom I choose, whatever graces I choose, and when I choose! My gifts do not depend on what you do, but on what I do.' by now, He must have started to take pity at my trembling figure, and His voice softened. 'you cannot make yourself deserving. you are deserving because I say you are.'
He continued: 'prepare yourself, not only spiritually, but also physically. strive to live. do not wait to die. always choose life.'
i don't remember the actual words He used anymore, but i think these convey the message i received that evening.
well, of course, i cried tears of relief. the burden of 'knowing' exactly when i would die was lifted. i wouldn't have to look at my family and think that could be the last time i would see them. i always thought it would be better to know when the moment of death would be. well, maybe not very exactly. mas o menos, is good enough.
i know i will die, maybe sooner or maybe later; but it is not for me to speculate about. it was not for me to anticipate. the Lord will take care of the matter for me.
today, 5 days later, i still feel a bit nauseous after meals. i'm still battling a bit of diarrhea. i'm weak and sluggish. but i've made up my mind to trust in my God and not to second guess Him. i can't anyway.
i've always held another view of death. if i really, really believe in God. why should i be afraid of death? i should be happy because the purpose of life is to be reunited with God, and death is nothing but being with God.
the question now is, am i a fool to talk with God the way i do? am i insane to think that God answers me back when i do talk to Him? or am i a mystic carrying on conversations with God?
actually, i'm just benjie, living life as benjie, talking and walking with the Lord.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
The cost of health
a few days after i got out of makati med, i met berna, one of my former neighbors, on the street outside the sts. peter & paul church. she was one of the squatters along kalayaan ave, who were relocated 8 months ago to bulacan. she was back in makati because this was where she could earn a living for her mother, her nephews and nieces, and herself. she used to sell balut outside the nearby mini-stop store and earned about 50 centavos from each balut sold. she lost her job with the balut supplier because of their relocation. today, she's watching the cars of mass-goers or of those who eat in one of the restaurants nearby. she gets p2 - p10 per car; p20, if the car owner is the generous sort.
as cris and i got into the car, berna came over and asked about my condition. she said she had heard that i had an operation, and that her mother was in the charity ward of makati med at about the same time. someone told them i was on the 6th floor and she would have wanted to visit me, but she was too shy to dare (nahihiya siya). i guess when you're that poor, you figure you belong in the charity ward of the hospital, and you don't dare venture anywhere else, especially not in makati med.
i thought it was nice of them to spare me a thought when they had problems of their own. i wondered how the poor could afford their medical treatments. the makati government-issued yellow cards allowed them a free hospital bed and free consultations with the doctors or rather with the interns, but they still had to pay for medicines, medical tests, and procedures. i thought about the costs of my own ct and bone scans, and my operation. just the cost of my medicines alone would easily feed any neighbor of mine, with 5 or 6 family members, for 3 or 4 months. a ct scan of the abdomen with contrast worth about p32,000, would feed them comfortably for at least a month.
what would they do if they needed a ct scan, or an mri, or even a simple ultra-sound? what if they needed as much medication as i did? before my operation, i was able to keep the pain at bay with twice a day dosage of pain-killers. my intravenously administered antibiotics prevented infection. without them, i might not have made it to the operating table.
i suppose the poor just have to stand the pain the best they can. or take the cheaper drugs that don't have as much effect as the more expensive pain-killers. alaxan instead of dolcet? ponstan instead of morphine? how about a gram of shabu to just forget everything for half a day or so?
getting shabu isn't so far-fetched because these people live cheek-by-jowl with each other, including their friendly neighborhood drug dealers. if they need shabu or grass, they could probably get it on credit, as long as payment is forthcoming. it is a business after all.
it's bad enough to have to scrounge the garbage cans for a living, but to get sick without having the money to buy your medicines, must make you feel as if you were already in hell, suffering for sins you didn't know you committed, other than simply being born poor.
i remember jaime, one of my neighbors. he was a sepulturero, a gravedigger, in the nearby public cemetery. he made money only when someone had to be buried, or when nov 1 was nearing, and people would pay him to clean the tombs of their family members. no burial or cleaning job, no earnings. no earnings, no food.
as cris and i got into the car, berna came over and asked about my condition. she said she had heard that i had an operation, and that her mother was in the charity ward of makati med at about the same time. someone told them i was on the 6th floor and she would have wanted to visit me, but she was too shy to dare (nahihiya siya). i guess when you're that poor, you figure you belong in the charity ward of the hospital, and you don't dare venture anywhere else, especially not in makati med.
i thought it was nice of them to spare me a thought when they had problems of their own. i wondered how the poor could afford their medical treatments. the makati government-issued yellow cards allowed them a free hospital bed and free consultations with the doctors or rather with the interns, but they still had to pay for medicines, medical tests, and procedures. i thought about the costs of my own ct and bone scans, and my operation. just the cost of my medicines alone would easily feed any neighbor of mine, with 5 or 6 family members, for 3 or 4 months. a ct scan of the abdomen with contrast worth about p32,000, would feed them comfortably for at least a month.
what would they do if they needed a ct scan, or an mri, or even a simple ultra-sound? what if they needed as much medication as i did? before my operation, i was able to keep the pain at bay with twice a day dosage of pain-killers. my intravenously administered antibiotics prevented infection. without them, i might not have made it to the operating table.
i suppose the poor just have to stand the pain the best they can. or take the cheaper drugs that don't have as much effect as the more expensive pain-killers. alaxan instead of dolcet? ponstan instead of morphine? how about a gram of shabu to just forget everything for half a day or so?
getting shabu isn't so far-fetched because these people live cheek-by-jowl with each other, including their friendly neighborhood drug dealers. if they need shabu or grass, they could probably get it on credit, as long as payment is forthcoming. it is a business after all.
it's bad enough to have to scrounge the garbage cans for a living, but to get sick without having the money to buy your medicines, must make you feel as if you were already in hell, suffering for sins you didn't know you committed, other than simply being born poor.
i remember jaime, one of my neighbors. he was a sepulturero, a gravedigger, in the nearby public cemetery. he made money only when someone had to be buried, or when nov 1 was nearing, and people would pay him to clean the tombs of their family members. no burial or cleaning job, no earnings. no earnings, no food.
jaime and his wife had 5 children, 2 of whom they raised on their own; 3 were effectively adopted by his in-laws. they all lived in a shanty on the sidewalk of our street, scarcely 2m x 3m, made of scavenged cardboard boxes, GI sheets, and tarpaulin. how did they fit in at night to sleep? well, definitely, not all at once. some would have to sleep outside, and the rest huddled together inside like sardines in a small can. on rainy nights, those outside would have to look for shelter elsewhere, and hope they would be able to get some sleep, for they had to work hard again the next day.
jaime's wife, about 15 years younger than he was, had suffered a stroke in her childhood that left her speech-impaired, and unable to completely control her limbs. yet, if you looked beyond her condition of poverty and ill health, you could see that she would have been pretty in her youth. her name is ellen, but because her head shakes from the effort of having to speak, she is called 'iling', a pilipino word that roughly translates to 'head shaker'.
iling augmented the family income by pushing a wooden cart and scrounging for paper, cardboard boxes, plastic bottles, and that prize find of scavengers, pieces of metal. she would start out every morning at about 3 or 4 in the morning, and be back home after 3 or 4 hours, usually travelling 15 – 20 blocks. when she got home, she and her children, starting when they were 4 years old; her husband, if he didn't have a job that day; and her mother and father (who was also a sepulturero), would sort out their loot, to be sold in various junk yards.
one day, iling's husband suddenly fell ill. with his yellow card, he was admitted to ospital ng makati, which was then still situated along jupiter st. the first time i visited him. he was thin and he looked bedraggled, but then that was the way he always looked; 6 feet tall, dark, made darker from working under the sun, reed-thin, with lank, stringy, shoulder-length hair. he looked scary, like a drug addict desperately in need of a fix. if you saw him on the street, you'd stay well clear of him.
he smiled broadly when he saw me, pleased that i would deign visit him in the hospital. iling said that jaime had been suffering from severe stomach pains for the past few days. it wasn't hunger, he'd been eating well. appendicitis was ruled out by the interns or doctors, tho they really couldn't say what the problem was. the pain was getting worse, and jaime was getting weaker and noticeably thinner everyday. i tried speaking to the doctors, but they couldn't tell me anything other than what i heard from iling.
i visited a second time. this time, jaime's smile wasn't as broad nor as brave-looking as he would have wanted it to be. he was still in pain; the doctors still couldn't tell what was wrong with him. they couldn't seem to do anything other than give him ineffective pain-killers.
the last time i went to see jaime, i brought him a priest for the anointing with oil. he was basically unconscious. this time, even iling wasn't smiling her usual bright and ready smile. she was visibly subdued and sad. i myself could only manage a weak smile and a consoling hand on her shoulder. the next day, late in the afternoon, iling's mother told me jaime had passed away.
i would believe so, because knowing what you're sick of, opens venues to getting well. but these high-tech machine-dependent examinations are expensive, way beyond the reach of ordinary mortals.
jaime's wife, about 15 years younger than he was, had suffered a stroke in her childhood that left her speech-impaired, and unable to completely control her limbs. yet, if you looked beyond her condition of poverty and ill health, you could see that she would have been pretty in her youth. her name is ellen, but because her head shakes from the effort of having to speak, she is called 'iling', a pilipino word that roughly translates to 'head shaker'.
iling augmented the family income by pushing a wooden cart and scrounging for paper, cardboard boxes, plastic bottles, and that prize find of scavengers, pieces of metal. she would start out every morning at about 3 or 4 in the morning, and be back home after 3 or 4 hours, usually travelling 15 – 20 blocks. when she got home, she and her children, starting when they were 4 years old; her husband, if he didn't have a job that day; and her mother and father (who was also a sepulturero), would sort out their loot, to be sold in various junk yards.
there are the used paper buyers, the iron and metal junk shops, and the plastic and soda pop bottle purchasers. their take would feed them for that day. if they got lucky enough to find enough iron pieces, they might even have some meat to go with their rice, instead of the usual vegetables, and bagoong, or tuyo.
one day, iling's husband suddenly fell ill. with his yellow card, he was admitted to ospital ng makati, which was then still situated along jupiter st. the first time i visited him. he was thin and he looked bedraggled, but then that was the way he always looked; 6 feet tall, dark, made darker from working under the sun, reed-thin, with lank, stringy, shoulder-length hair. he looked scary, like a drug addict desperately in need of a fix. if you saw him on the street, you'd stay well clear of him.
he smiled broadly when he saw me, pleased that i would deign visit him in the hospital. iling said that jaime had been suffering from severe stomach pains for the past few days. it wasn't hunger, he'd been eating well. appendicitis was ruled out by the interns or doctors, tho they really couldn't say what the problem was. the pain was getting worse, and jaime was getting weaker and noticeably thinner everyday. i tried speaking to the doctors, but they couldn't tell me anything other than what i heard from iling.
i visited a second time. this time, jaime's smile wasn't as broad nor as brave-looking as he would have wanted it to be. he was still in pain; the doctors still couldn't tell what was wrong with him. they couldn't seem to do anything other than give him ineffective pain-killers.
the last time i went to see jaime, i brought him a priest for the anointing with oil. he was basically unconscious. this time, even iling wasn't smiling her usual bright and ready smile. she was visibly subdued and sad. i myself could only manage a weak smile and a consoling hand on her shoulder. the next day, late in the afternoon, iling's mother told me jaime had passed away.
now, thinking back, i wonder if, having access to the proper tests and procedures – ultrasound, ct scan, mri, whatever – would the doctors have been able to identify what he was really sick of? if he had access to better educated, more experienced doctors, would he have lived awhile longer?
i would believe so, because knowing what you're sick of, opens venues to getting well. but these high-tech machine-dependent examinations are expensive, way beyond the reach of ordinary mortals.
beyond the cost of the examinations and consultations with medical specialists, are the costly treatments and medications. even if a person gets properly diagnosed, how would he be able to afford the treatments and the medications? would it be better after all if they remained ignorant of their health problems, and totally unaware that treatments exist, just beyond their reach?
i wonder what percentage of deaths among the marginalized members of our society is due to undiagnosed illnesses? 'marginalized' is truly an appropriate word for them. marginalized from safe shelter at birth. marginalized from proper nutrition in their infancy. marginalized from good education in their youth. marginalized from adequate-paying jobs as adults. marginalized from enjoying the benefits of modern society and technology because of sheer ignorance of their rights and privileges.
one would think there is a way we can all work together using God's benevolent gifts and resources, to lessen the marginalization of the poor especially in healthcare, without unduly reducing the good fortune of the rest.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Love of my life
cris' birthday today. i would have liked to write a beautiful poem, or sketch her portrait. but i wouldn't dare write a poem. too late to make a nice sketch. so, here's a little something to let the world know what and who cris is to me.
1.cris is a colleague
before cris was anything, she was a colleague. i met her when i was hired by sgv as an systems analysis and programming instructor at the institute of advanced computer technology, or 'i/act'. i had had about 7 years experience by then, working in 5 or 6 different companies. i/act was cris' first job out of the u.p. college of engineering, where she majored in chemical engineering. she ended up with sgv because she was offered a scholarship in i/act to study programming and later, to work with sgv.
when i arrived in the company, i found several people whom i knew from college, or who were friends of friends. i felt like i belonged, and i showed it. cris and the other newly-graduated instructors found me loud, brass, and mayabang. guilty on all counts. it was not a very promising start for our relationship.
but from the first time i saw her, i found something special in cris. maybe it was her intelligence. she was after all, a scholar in u.p. and in i/act. i never even got a whiff of a scholarship blown my way. she had studied chemical engineering. in high school, the one experiment what got me noticed by my chemistry teacher, my duhat wine, hardly the product of a serious student.
cris was from baguio, which in those times, i considered a hick town. i was from tuguegarao, which was even more rural than baguio. she spoke english well, which is always something that impresses me.
and though she had very little knowledge of high fashion and wore clothes that belonged more in baguio than in makati, i found her very pretty. she had a nice, sexy figure; not thin, not stout either. and she had a nice, pert ass, which i secretly always watched as she walked across the room.
2.cris is a friend
despite my behavior which cris found obnoxious, we co-existed in the office. however two things brought us closer together.
first, i developed a debt of gratitude to her for saving my life. it happened during an office outing to a beach in batangas. we had walked some distance away, and decided to go for a swim. because i was a former president of our swimming club in la salle, i naturally wanted to show off.
after 10mins, about 30 yards from the rocks from where we started from, i developed cramps. cris had to tow me back to shore. that's when i admitted that i was elected president of the swimming club by my classmates whom i all defeated at billiards. it had nothing to do with my swimming skills.
she never told anyone about the embarrasing incident, for which i have always been grateful. and following the chinese adage that if you save someone's life, you have to take care of them for the rest of their lives, i attached myself to cris. if she saved me once, she would definitely do it again.
the second factor in our developing friendship was that i became her supervisor. at that time, i was made the course development manager for i/act, which meant that i was in charge of coming up with the manuals used in the individualized instruction courses we offered. cris was assigned to upgrade the cobol manuals being used. i would work out the detailed outline of the manuals with her and the other course developers, and oversee their development of the manuals.
as it turned out, i not only became her mentor at work, i became one of her mentors in life. one of the things that intrigued me about cris, was that despite her being a probinsyana, she was smart and pretty. she lacked the sophistication of the city-bred, but i believed that she merited more attention from men than she was getting. she didn't have a boyfriend, and she didn't have any suitors. which i thought was pretty strange.
so i thought to bring about a slight transformation in her to make her more attractive. i'd give her some advice about make-up and clothes. i knew more than a little about make-up and how to apply it because in high school, it was a great way to be able to get close to the girls and engage them in conversation. naturally, talk about make-up was just supposed to be a door-opener.
cris also wore clothes that marked her as a girl from the provinces. she'd wear blouses with slightly puffed-up sleeves, or round-necked dresses with lace or frilly collars. her skirts reached to below the knees, at a time when women were wearing mini-skirts. i thought she looked like an american bobby-soxer from the 50's, without the bobby socks.
i'd make suggestions on what clothes she should wear, but i never made much headway in that department. she still prefers flowery dresses. she'll only buy power coats and skirts when i force her to.
i had more luck in the make-up department. she started experimenting with the guidance of her best friend marissa. i felt good about being able to encourage her in that.
on her part, she made me feel like someone who deserved to have as a friend. she'd encourage me to join nights-out with our friends or go to office parties. she would never really stay by me, but she would make me feel like she wanted me to be there. it wasn't that she was attracted to me; she's just that type of person.
at times, i would treat her and a few friends to dinner at nice restaurants. when payday was nearing, i'd have run out of cash, and she would treat me to lunch in the office canteen. for me, it was a good deal.
one time, she probably felt i needed a good woman in my life. she arranged a blind date for me in one of my favorite restaurants, schwarzwalder. imagine my surprise and amusement, when my date turned out to be marissa, cris' best friend in i/act. marissa and i had a good laugh over it, and we enjoyed our date.
for awhile, i was seriously considering going after marissa. she was very pretty, intelligent (a u.p. graduate), drove her own car, and was fun to be with. but i knew i had to make a choice then and there. if i went after marissa, it would be goodbye to any possibility of getting next to cris. i picked cris. (sorry, marissa. nothing personal or wrong about you. but to me, you were a friend. i wanted cris as my lover.)
3.cris is a lover
i considered cris my lover even before she knew i had any designs on her. the more i saw her, the more i wanted her. but i held back for about 4 years, because i felt that if i went after her, and she responded positively, i would end up marrying her. i didn't feel that i was quite ready to get married yet.
still, i couldn't just stay away from her. i started to invite her to my pad in makati, properly accompanied by marissa or one of our other friends, of course. though once in awhile, she trusted me enough to come by herself. i would prepare dinner for us, which impressed her cause she can't even fry an egg without it ending up in the trash can. i'd cook steaks, pork chops, salads, pasta.
once i even prepared kare-kare, without using a prepared mix. i toasted and ground the rice myself, so with the peanuts. it was reeally good, but i found it too tiring and i've never done it again.
they would bring dessert, usually a cake or ice cream. we'd listen to music and just talk.
then, she got a scholarship to go to japan for 6 months to study computer technology. in order to get ready, she had to take a nippongo course. after her class, i would pick her up at about 9pm, and bring her home.
having travelled myself, i told her about my travels so that she might be able to pick up tips and techniques she might find useful in japan. i doubt she ever did because cris isn't the sort of person to resort to the tricks i used in my travels. but anyway, it served to impress her about my worldliness. at least, that's what i hoped.
graduating from advice about make-up and fashion, i began to advise her about dating and relationships with men. cris had this old-fashioned idea that a nice girl only went out with men she was serious about. i asked her how she knew who she should to be serious about unless she met other men first. it was a take on the old adage, 'to find your prince charming, you have to kiss a lot of frogs first.' i told her she would only be able to pick the right person to get married to, if she had a good basis for comparison.
i was taking a chance right there because if she went out with a lot of guys, she might find one better than me. but as i said, mayabang ako. and if she did find someone better than me, i would definitely give her my blessings because that would be a rare bird indeed.
before she left, i gave her a teddy bear to keep her company, cause that was the one thing she was worried about; that she would be on her own in japan. we must have written each other while she was away, but i don't really remember. i don't have any letters in my files, and she's never shown me one she had received from me while she was abroad.
when she came back after 6 months, she was a bit different. i wasn't surprised because travel will usually mature you in many ways. she told me about her adventures, even her dates with guys, which of course, didn't please me at all, despite all my advice to her. on my part, i hadn't been exactly living a chaste existance, so i couldn't complain.
it wasn't until i had my 35th birthday that i decided it was time to get married, and i only had cris in mind. sayang siya. baka maunahan pa ako.
one day in october 1985, we decided to go out as a twosome with lilet, a housemate of hers, who was celebrating her birthday, and ac, a guy who was kinda sweet on lilet. the legend was we would chaperone them because it was to be their first date. we went to the billboard bar on makati ave (don't bother looking for it now. it's long gone.) since it was still early, we had the place practically to ourselves.
a few minutes after entering the place, ac took lilet to the farthest corner of the disco and talked to her earnestly. she asked, 'so, what shall we do?' i said, 'we'll talk too.' she goes, 'about what?' i couldn't believe she had no idea of my interest in her. i said, 'about us, of course.' she's shocked, 'about us??? what do you mean?' plain and simple, i said, 'will you be my girlfriend?'
coming from where she was, you can imagine what a long and puzzling conversation we had. puzzling, on her part; frustrating on mine. why couldn't she accept that i was interested in her as more than just a friend. i'll spare you the burden of knowing what we said to each other. enough for you to know that she was surprised, confused, incredulous, bothered, and bewildered.
i felt i had to really press the issue. if i gave her too much time to think about it, there was a good chance she would come to her senses and turn me down. i told her i was giving her 10 days to think about it. if she accepted me, great. if she rejected me, i would be out of her life forever. she would never see me again. knowing my history of changing jobs as easily as i changed my clothes, she believed i would do it too. i'd get back to her after that to find what her answer was. 'yes' or 'no', that's all i wanted to hear.
she couldn't totally take in everything that was happening. we started out the evening as friends, chaperoning a couple of other friends. now, here i was, supposedly one of her best friends, giving her just 10 days to decide whether or not to enter into a serious relationship with me.
and where did i get the 10 days grace period from? well, i remembered that my father courted my mother in 11 days, after which she completely fell for him. if he could do that, 16 years the senior of my mom, a widowed military man with 10 legal children, i felt i could do it too to someone 11 years my junior. besides, i really didn't want to give cris the luxury of time. i've always believed speed in offense will win the day.
but i'm sure you're dying to know how cris is as a real lover. well, 6 children should be enough proof. and i have to say, it wasn't always me making the first move.
4.cris is a wife
we were married on 3 mar 1986. we wanted a small, private wedding, so we scheduled the ceremony at 8am, at the u.p. chapel, which i had always liked. it was a monday morning, so we didn't expect a lot of officemates to show up, especially since we only gave them about a week's notice, and edsa 1 was in full swing, shutting down edsa. but a lot of people made it, which was a very pleasant surprise for cris and i. it always surprises me when i'm shown proof that people actually like me. probably because i know myself too well.
frank, sgv principal and ceo of i/act. was there. so was fides and her husband, benjie. bonnie margaret and her husband, mon, came with my good friend ime (i knew she wouldn't miss this affair), lilet, and many others. my mom and my brothers were all present, with their girlfriends at the time. cris' mom and sisters were there with their husbands and children. our extended families were in attendance too.
we had the reception at my uncle toots' garden in his house in magdalena rolling hills, just off broadway st. it was great because the presidential table was set under a huge mango tree which had lots of tiny flowering butterfly orchids. my aunt, tita fely, was pleasantly surprised at the flowers because she said they only came out once a year, and they decided to come out exactly at our reception.
it was a wonderful and most meaningful wedding.
when we started out, i would do the marketing with cris trailing behind me. she didn't want the market vendors talking to her, mistaking her for the one responsible for the marketing. she let me pick the meat and the veggies.
back home, i'd cook the meals. she would wash the dishes. i hated cleaning the house, so she did it. i didn't like washing clothes either, and didn't want her doing it, so we'd bring our dirty clothes to my mom's house so the help could launder and iron them for us.
over the years, cris has been very supportive of me. i made her practice her driving, tho she wasn't that excited about it. we had a 20-year old mercedes benz, the only car we could afford. before she felt she was ready to drive on her own, i was assigned to bangladesh for 2 months, so she had to manage by herself, while nursing our child. when i came back, she picked me up at the naia, driving the car. cool!
while i was gone, cris had to arrange for the purchase of my former pad from the owners. she had to go through the hassle of making sure the papers were okay, of arranging for a loan, and for getting the title transferred to us.
when we had to do a major renovation of the house 4 years after we bought it, i had to leave for another project abroad for 4 months. cris had to oversee the renovations while living in the construction site itself. i came back, the renovations were 95% done, and cris vowed she would never go through that again.
yet, she did go through it one more time, but this time, i had the good sense to stay at home. i didn't want to test the limits of her patience.
5.cris is a cheerleader
in business, i've been a ... how can i say this diplomatically... an abject failure. i've entered into so many different ventures and have lost a bundle. in between, and after i left sgv, i worked for a few more companies, but i never did well, because i never learned to get on well with my superiors. i've done i.t. consulting with mixed results. i'd do well in one project only to fail in the next.
yet, cris was always there ready to support me, giving me advice when i asked for it, helping me figure out the finances of my ventures. of course, after a while she quit doing the numbers because she saw they were hopeless.
cris had to bear the brunt of my business and employment failures. it came to the point where she told me to just stay at home because when i worked, i'd come home irritable and quarrel with everyone in the house. she preferred that i stay with the children cause i knew how to play with them.
we used to really quarrel quite a bit until she decided that having me as a husband and father of our children was more important to her than my making millions. on my part, i mellowed down, for how can you not, given such obvious love and devotion from your wife. i'm a much nicer person because of cris.
6.cris is a doctor
ever since we started our family, cris has been the doctor of the house. she remembers all the instructions of the doctors we consult with. she even understands what they say, which is something i could never do. (everytime i listen to a doctor, i feel like an alien who has just arrived from the planet pluto.) she knows what medications to give to the children for what illness, even before she calls up matett, our pediatrician friend. she's even apt to offer medical advice to our friends, which always makes me cringe, until i remember she'll never be slapped a malpractice suit cause she's not a licensed doctor anyway.
you've already read in my previous blog posts how she has been nurse and doctor to me in my condition. without her, i will say without exaggeration, that i would probably be a wasted relic by now.
she makes sure my supply of medication is adequate. she sorts out the various pills and capsules i have to take after every breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and sometimes, in between. she (blush! blush!) administers the enema i need to have.
and when i feel down, she lifts up my spirits. she never shows she's bothered about my illness. no matter what the doctors say about my condition, she gives me a happy smile and tells me, 'you're fine. you're ok.' i say she's the best human doctor i can have.
this blog post is my birthday surprise for cris. it is my first blog i did not let her edit.
happy birthday, dear. thanks for your patience, your simplicity, your humility, and your love.
yoyo update clarification
i think my last yoyo update got a lot of you worried about me, specially the part about the mean average lifetime of 5.67 months.
i've known about that statistic since i got out of the hospital, or something close to it. it's nothing new. it's a statistic. don't let it worry you. it wasn't my intention to do that; i was just saying that's what i got from the web.
just keep on praying for me and for everyone you love.
1.cris is a colleague
before cris was anything, she was a colleague. i met her when i was hired by sgv as an systems analysis and programming instructor at the institute of advanced computer technology, or 'i/act'. i had had about 7 years experience by then, working in 5 or 6 different companies. i/act was cris' first job out of the u.p. college of engineering, where she majored in chemical engineering. she ended up with sgv because she was offered a scholarship in i/act to study programming and later, to work with sgv.
when i arrived in the company, i found several people whom i knew from college, or who were friends of friends. i felt like i belonged, and i showed it. cris and the other newly-graduated instructors found me loud, brass, and mayabang. guilty on all counts. it was not a very promising start for our relationship.
but from the first time i saw her, i found something special in cris. maybe it was her intelligence. she was after all, a scholar in u.p. and in i/act. i never even got a whiff of a scholarship blown my way. she had studied chemical engineering. in high school, the one experiment what got me noticed by my chemistry teacher, my duhat wine, hardly the product of a serious student.
cris was from baguio, which in those times, i considered a hick town. i was from tuguegarao, which was even more rural than baguio. she spoke english well, which is always something that impresses me.
and though she had very little knowledge of high fashion and wore clothes that belonged more in baguio than in makati, i found her very pretty. she had a nice, sexy figure; not thin, not stout either. and she had a nice, pert ass, which i secretly always watched as she walked across the room.
2.cris is a friend
despite my behavior which cris found obnoxious, we co-existed in the office. however two things brought us closer together.
first, i developed a debt of gratitude to her for saving my life. it happened during an office outing to a beach in batangas. we had walked some distance away, and decided to go for a swim. because i was a former president of our swimming club in la salle, i naturally wanted to show off.
after 10mins, about 30 yards from the rocks from where we started from, i developed cramps. cris had to tow me back to shore. that's when i admitted that i was elected president of the swimming club by my classmates whom i all defeated at billiards. it had nothing to do with my swimming skills.
she never told anyone about the embarrasing incident, for which i have always been grateful. and following the chinese adage that if you save someone's life, you have to take care of them for the rest of their lives, i attached myself to cris. if she saved me once, she would definitely do it again.
the second factor in our developing friendship was that i became her supervisor. at that time, i was made the course development manager for i/act, which meant that i was in charge of coming up with the manuals used in the individualized instruction courses we offered. cris was assigned to upgrade the cobol manuals being used. i would work out the detailed outline of the manuals with her and the other course developers, and oversee their development of the manuals.
as it turned out, i not only became her mentor at work, i became one of her mentors in life. one of the things that intrigued me about cris, was that despite her being a probinsyana, she was smart and pretty. she lacked the sophistication of the city-bred, but i believed that she merited more attention from men than she was getting. she didn't have a boyfriend, and she didn't have any suitors. which i thought was pretty strange.
so i thought to bring about a slight transformation in her to make her more attractive. i'd give her some advice about make-up and clothes. i knew more than a little about make-up and how to apply it because in high school, it was a great way to be able to get close to the girls and engage them in conversation. naturally, talk about make-up was just supposed to be a door-opener.
cris also wore clothes that marked her as a girl from the provinces. she'd wear blouses with slightly puffed-up sleeves, or round-necked dresses with lace or frilly collars. her skirts reached to below the knees, at a time when women were wearing mini-skirts. i thought she looked like an american bobby-soxer from the 50's, without the bobby socks.
i'd make suggestions on what clothes she should wear, but i never made much headway in that department. she still prefers flowery dresses. she'll only buy power coats and skirts when i force her to.
i had more luck in the make-up department. she started experimenting with the guidance of her best friend marissa. i felt good about being able to encourage her in that.
on her part, she made me feel like someone who deserved to have as a friend. she'd encourage me to join nights-out with our friends or go to office parties. she would never really stay by me, but she would make me feel like she wanted me to be there. it wasn't that she was attracted to me; she's just that type of person.
at times, i would treat her and a few friends to dinner at nice restaurants. when payday was nearing, i'd have run out of cash, and she would treat me to lunch in the office canteen. for me, it was a good deal.
one time, she probably felt i needed a good woman in my life. she arranged a blind date for me in one of my favorite restaurants, schwarzwalder. imagine my surprise and amusement, when my date turned out to be marissa, cris' best friend in i/act. marissa and i had a good laugh over it, and we enjoyed our date.
for awhile, i was seriously considering going after marissa. she was very pretty, intelligent (a u.p. graduate), drove her own car, and was fun to be with. but i knew i had to make a choice then and there. if i went after marissa, it would be goodbye to any possibility of getting next to cris. i picked cris. (sorry, marissa. nothing personal or wrong about you. but to me, you were a friend. i wanted cris as my lover.)
3.cris is a lover
i considered cris my lover even before she knew i had any designs on her. the more i saw her, the more i wanted her. but i held back for about 4 years, because i felt that if i went after her, and she responded positively, i would end up marrying her. i didn't feel that i was quite ready to get married yet.
still, i couldn't just stay away from her. i started to invite her to my pad in makati, properly accompanied by marissa or one of our other friends, of course. though once in awhile, she trusted me enough to come by herself. i would prepare dinner for us, which impressed her cause she can't even fry an egg without it ending up in the trash can. i'd cook steaks, pork chops, salads, pasta.
once i even prepared kare-kare, without using a prepared mix. i toasted and ground the rice myself, so with the peanuts. it was reeally good, but i found it too tiring and i've never done it again.
they would bring dessert, usually a cake or ice cream. we'd listen to music and just talk.
then, she got a scholarship to go to japan for 6 months to study computer technology. in order to get ready, she had to take a nippongo course. after her class, i would pick her up at about 9pm, and bring her home.
having travelled myself, i told her about my travels so that she might be able to pick up tips and techniques she might find useful in japan. i doubt she ever did because cris isn't the sort of person to resort to the tricks i used in my travels. but anyway, it served to impress her about my worldliness. at least, that's what i hoped.
graduating from advice about make-up and fashion, i began to advise her about dating and relationships with men. cris had this old-fashioned idea that a nice girl only went out with men she was serious about. i asked her how she knew who she should to be serious about unless she met other men first. it was a take on the old adage, 'to find your prince charming, you have to kiss a lot of frogs first.' i told her she would only be able to pick the right person to get married to, if she had a good basis for comparison.
i was taking a chance right there because if she went out with a lot of guys, she might find one better than me. but as i said, mayabang ako. and if she did find someone better than me, i would definitely give her my blessings because that would be a rare bird indeed.
before she left, i gave her a teddy bear to keep her company, cause that was the one thing she was worried about; that she would be on her own in japan. we must have written each other while she was away, but i don't really remember. i don't have any letters in my files, and she's never shown me one she had received from me while she was abroad.
when she came back after 6 months, she was a bit different. i wasn't surprised because travel will usually mature you in many ways. she told me about her adventures, even her dates with guys, which of course, didn't please me at all, despite all my advice to her. on my part, i hadn't been exactly living a chaste existance, so i couldn't complain.
it wasn't until i had my 35th birthday that i decided it was time to get married, and i only had cris in mind. sayang siya. baka maunahan pa ako.
one day in october 1985, we decided to go out as a twosome with lilet, a housemate of hers, who was celebrating her birthday, and ac, a guy who was kinda sweet on lilet. the legend was we would chaperone them because it was to be their first date. we went to the billboard bar on makati ave (don't bother looking for it now. it's long gone.) since it was still early, we had the place practically to ourselves.
a few minutes after entering the place, ac took lilet to the farthest corner of the disco and talked to her earnestly. she asked, 'so, what shall we do?' i said, 'we'll talk too.' she goes, 'about what?' i couldn't believe she had no idea of my interest in her. i said, 'about us, of course.' she's shocked, 'about us??? what do you mean?' plain and simple, i said, 'will you be my girlfriend?'
coming from where she was, you can imagine what a long and puzzling conversation we had. puzzling, on her part; frustrating on mine. why couldn't she accept that i was interested in her as more than just a friend. i'll spare you the burden of knowing what we said to each other. enough for you to know that she was surprised, confused, incredulous, bothered, and bewildered.
i felt i had to really press the issue. if i gave her too much time to think about it, there was a good chance she would come to her senses and turn me down. i told her i was giving her 10 days to think about it. if she accepted me, great. if she rejected me, i would be out of her life forever. she would never see me again. knowing my history of changing jobs as easily as i changed my clothes, she believed i would do it too. i'd get back to her after that to find what her answer was. 'yes' or 'no', that's all i wanted to hear.
she couldn't totally take in everything that was happening. we started out the evening as friends, chaperoning a couple of other friends. now, here i was, supposedly one of her best friends, giving her just 10 days to decide whether or not to enter into a serious relationship with me.
and where did i get the 10 days grace period from? well, i remembered that my father courted my mother in 11 days, after which she completely fell for him. if he could do that, 16 years the senior of my mom, a widowed military man with 10 legal children, i felt i could do it too to someone 11 years my junior. besides, i really didn't want to give cris the luxury of time. i've always believed speed in offense will win the day.
but i'm sure you're dying to know how cris is as a real lover. well, 6 children should be enough proof. and i have to say, it wasn't always me making the first move.
4.cris is a wife
we were married on 3 mar 1986. we wanted a small, private wedding, so we scheduled the ceremony at 8am, at the u.p. chapel, which i had always liked. it was a monday morning, so we didn't expect a lot of officemates to show up, especially since we only gave them about a week's notice, and edsa 1 was in full swing, shutting down edsa. but a lot of people made it, which was a very pleasant surprise for cris and i. it always surprises me when i'm shown proof that people actually like me. probably because i know myself too well.
frank, sgv principal and ceo of i/act. was there. so was fides and her husband, benjie. bonnie margaret and her husband, mon, came with my good friend ime (i knew she wouldn't miss this affair), lilet, and many others. my mom and my brothers were all present, with their girlfriends at the time. cris' mom and sisters were there with their husbands and children. our extended families were in attendance too.
we had the reception at my uncle toots' garden in his house in magdalena rolling hills, just off broadway st. it was great because the presidential table was set under a huge mango tree which had lots of tiny flowering butterfly orchids. my aunt, tita fely, was pleasantly surprised at the flowers because she said they only came out once a year, and they decided to come out exactly at our reception.
it was a wonderful and most meaningful wedding.
when we started out, i would do the marketing with cris trailing behind me. she didn't want the market vendors talking to her, mistaking her for the one responsible for the marketing. she let me pick the meat and the veggies.
back home, i'd cook the meals. she would wash the dishes. i hated cleaning the house, so she did it. i didn't like washing clothes either, and didn't want her doing it, so we'd bring our dirty clothes to my mom's house so the help could launder and iron them for us.
over the years, cris has been very supportive of me. i made her practice her driving, tho she wasn't that excited about it. we had a 20-year old mercedes benz, the only car we could afford. before she felt she was ready to drive on her own, i was assigned to bangladesh for 2 months, so she had to manage by herself, while nursing our child. when i came back, she picked me up at the naia, driving the car. cool!
while i was gone, cris had to arrange for the purchase of my former pad from the owners. she had to go through the hassle of making sure the papers were okay, of arranging for a loan, and for getting the title transferred to us.
when we had to do a major renovation of the house 4 years after we bought it, i had to leave for another project abroad for 4 months. cris had to oversee the renovations while living in the construction site itself. i came back, the renovations were 95% done, and cris vowed she would never go through that again.
yet, she did go through it one more time, but this time, i had the good sense to stay at home. i didn't want to test the limits of her patience.
5.cris is a cheerleader
in business, i've been a ... how can i say this diplomatically... an abject failure. i've entered into so many different ventures and have lost a bundle. in between, and after i left sgv, i worked for a few more companies, but i never did well, because i never learned to get on well with my superiors. i've done i.t. consulting with mixed results. i'd do well in one project only to fail in the next.
yet, cris was always there ready to support me, giving me advice when i asked for it, helping me figure out the finances of my ventures. of course, after a while she quit doing the numbers because she saw they were hopeless.
cris had to bear the brunt of my business and employment failures. it came to the point where she told me to just stay at home because when i worked, i'd come home irritable and quarrel with everyone in the house. she preferred that i stay with the children cause i knew how to play with them.
we used to really quarrel quite a bit until she decided that having me as a husband and father of our children was more important to her than my making millions. on my part, i mellowed down, for how can you not, given such obvious love and devotion from your wife. i'm a much nicer person because of cris.
6.cris is a doctor
ever since we started our family, cris has been the doctor of the house. she remembers all the instructions of the doctors we consult with. she even understands what they say, which is something i could never do. (everytime i listen to a doctor, i feel like an alien who has just arrived from the planet pluto.) she knows what medications to give to the children for what illness, even before she calls up matett, our pediatrician friend. she's even apt to offer medical advice to our friends, which always makes me cringe, until i remember she'll never be slapped a malpractice suit cause she's not a licensed doctor anyway.
you've already read in my previous blog posts how she has been nurse and doctor to me in my condition. without her, i will say without exaggeration, that i would probably be a wasted relic by now.
she makes sure my supply of medication is adequate. she sorts out the various pills and capsules i have to take after every breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and sometimes, in between. she (blush! blush!) administers the enema i need to have.
and when i feel down, she lifts up my spirits. she never shows she's bothered about my illness. no matter what the doctors say about my condition, she gives me a happy smile and tells me, 'you're fine. you're ok.' i say she's the best human doctor i can have.
this blog post is my birthday surprise for cris. it is my first blog i did not let her edit.
happy birthday, dear. thanks for your patience, your simplicity, your humility, and your love.
yoyo update clarification
i think my last yoyo update got a lot of you worried about me, specially the part about the mean average lifetime of 5.67 months.
i've known about that statistic since i got out of the hospital, or something close to it. it's nothing new. it's a statistic. don't let it worry you. it wasn't my intention to do that; i was just saying that's what i got from the web.
just keep on praying for me and for everyone you love.
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