Acceptance

you know that phenomenon where you hear a song once, and can't stop singing or humming it for days afterwards? that was what happened when my doctors, dr ferrer and dr nazareth, left my bedside the day before i was released. dr nazareth's parting words kept ringing in my head for days, 'shop around for an oncologist.'
usually, you shop around for an appliance, a tv set or a ref, that will last 3-5 years. you shop around for a car that will last 5-10 years. or, you shop around for a house that will last, well, hopefully, for your lifetime. and that was what 'shopping around for an oncologist' sounded like. get one that you can live with for the rest of your life. it sure sounded like getting married all over again.
still, i was upbeat when i left the hospital. i could urinate without blood or pain. my wound was healing pretty well. my blood sugar count, though on the high side, was within acceptable norms. and i was going home!
the next days at home were spent monitoring my blood sugar count, 4 times a day, later down to twice a day. i learned to eat within my prescribed diet; no salt, no sugar, no fat, no oil. to do this, we had to plan the way meat and vegetables would be cooked, and the condiments and herbs to use in preparing my meals. cris had to dress my wound every other day, while i basically lay in bed and rested.
on the weekend, i was looking forward to going back to dr ferrer and dr nazareth the next monday, for my check-up. they would also have the biopsy report (formally, the surgical pathology consultation report) on the mass that was removed from my kidney. dr nazareth's suggestion of looking for an oncologist was based not only on the 10cm size of the mass, but also on the findings of 'occult' traces of malignant cells in my body from the bone scan. i needed to hear conclusive findings. the term, 'occult' or 'microscopic', was giving me some small hope of being cancer-free. the biosy would tell me whether i was living on false hope or not.
but before monday, i decided to surf the net to try to get some info about what was ailing me. i found that blood in the urine meant something wrong with the kidney; that this could mean a mass in the kidney, normally malignant; that a 10cm mass meant at least stage-3 cancer; that what i had was renal cancer. then the usual treatments, medication, radiology, chemotherapy. i got really scared, then figured, 'wait for the biopsy report before starting to worry big time.'
i actually got my first warning about my condition from marlo, my brother. cony, his wife, a neurosurgeon, had told him before my operation that my symptoms were indicative of either kidney or pancreatic cancer. still, i clung to the hope that maybe it wasn't, or that maybe the surgery would remove it.
monday morning, we were supposed to see dr nazareth first to remove the staples from my wound, and to give us the lowdown about the biopsy report. unfortunately, he had an emergency operation in batangas and would only be available in the afternoon.
we went to see dr ferrer. he didn't have the biopsy report and had to send down to the pathology lab for it. he explained that the mass was indeed stage-3 carcinoma. but apparently, it hadn't spread to the adjacent organs or tissues. that lifted my spirits. then, he said we would still need to consult an oncologist because what he knows of cancer could be 10 years behind the times. besides, there was correlation between my kidney problem, the bone scan results, and the pathology report. my spirits took another downward turn. (friends have mentioned a roller coaster ride. i'll have a posting on this soon.)
when we finally saw dr nazareth, he explained that aside from my kidney, he had taken out a portion of the vein connected to my kidney, and a lymph node that seemed to have been affected. however, the biopsy report said that the lymph node was negative for cancer traces. he reiterated his advice to look for an oncologist who would then recommend the best treatment for me.
he told me that we needed to monitor the progress of my kidney. i would have to go for an ultra-sound every 3 months, and a ct scan at least annually, maybe even every 6 months, because the ultra-sound would not be able to give clear indications of a recurrence of the tumor, which was possible.
yesterday, thursday, we visited dr aragon, my endocrinologist, for my sugar monitoring. the blood test i had done on monday showed by sugar level to be at 98.98. when i entered the hospital it was about 180. so things looked good. but again, close monitoring was needed because the 4 things affected by diabetes were the eyes, the heart, the kidney of which i only had one left, hence the need for stricter vigilance, and the foot.
besides, the oncologist might prescribe some medication for chemotherapy that could increase my sugar level, i would really have to consult with him again when i begin my treatments.
in the afternoon, dickie heras, a friend whose wife, yvet, had undergone chemotherapy last year (and who is now doing very well), brought us to carewell community, to meet its founder and managing director, bobit suntay. (http://www.carewellcommunity.org/)
bobit explained what carewell did and how it helps and supports cancer patients. we, or rather cris, my resident would-be-doctor, explained my illness and the results of the different tests i had undergone. bobit then spoke of the different treatments available to cancer patients, from what he called, 'the gold standard' of western medicine, to alternative medicine. western medicine is based on scientific studies and empirical evidence, while eastern or alternative medicine goes by anecdotal experiences of patients who have been healed. there is no clear explanation how or why alternative medicine works, but there are several living, breathing 'proofs' that it works. it would be our decision which of these branches to go with, or what mixture we would work with. personally, i prefer alternative non-invasive medicine, but i'm open to both eastern and western medicine. whatever it takes to get well.
carewell would be there to support us in our journey. bobit mentioned the names of several reliable oncologists we could consult. he also said he could refer us to alternative medicine practitioners, if that is what we choose.
on the way home, i could only think that all the doctors we had spoken to this week, and even bobit suntay, had no doubt about the need for me to consult with an oncologist. no if's or but's about it, i needed an oncologist. and what disturbed me even more, was that they didn't make it sound like a one time consultation. we had to find an oncologist we could work and live with, because this was for the long haul.
last night, we went to a get-together hosted by my close aunt, doña nonette medina. it was her mom's (my lola domi's) 10^th death anniversary, and i think, she and ate aiding, her sister, also took it as an opportunity to fete me for a successful operation.
we spent time talking about our various medical problems because nonette had just had a spinal operation and was still experiencing considerable pain now and then. ed, nonette's husband, has diabetes, no, sorry, very high sugar count, but not diabetes. peping gonzales, my uncle from another lolo, has had several operations on both knees and one on the upper part of his spinal column.
of course, delicious food was served by nonette, as usual. i small portions of everything, except the clams and mussels of which i liberally partook. i even had a taste of the ice cream cake, and of the cheese puff from Conti's. (my fasting blood sugar this morning: 103, which is very good.)
after the meal, lulu gonzales, an aunt from another lolo, who's actually younger than i am, looked over my test results. being a doctor, i was very interested in what she had to say and listened closely to her explanations. before saying a word, just by the look on her face, i could tell she was about to concur with the other doctors about my sickness and my need for an oncologist.
more than any of the other doctors, lulu's words drove home the fact that i am now a cancer patient. full acceptance of that will take some time, i'm sure. this is just the first step. tomorrow, i will wake up and have to accept it again. and the day after, and the day after.
i am a cancer patient. whether i will be a cancer survivor and for how long, depends on me, my oncologist, and my God. i know cris will be always with me in this difficult journey, but so will my close family, my extended family, and my friends.
i do not make this statement of acceptance to solicit pity for me. pity, i can do without. i do it so that when you pray for me, you may know what it is i need in my life at this moment; and that is healing. But beyond that, that we all may accept whatever it is God wills in our lives.
this i promise to you all. i will do whatever needs to be done, eat or drink what i must, and do away with whatever is harmful, to try to fight this disease. i owe it to you who have shown so much concern for me and have given so much support to cris and to me. i owe it to my children. and i owe it to my wife. thank you again. God be with us all.
and that's life as benjie these days.