a year's new lease on life

(intro: i had just decided i had more things to add to this blog, so to refresh my memory, i looked at my file of old blogs and to my surprise, i found this old, unposted update. it should have been posted about 26 april 2010, the 1st anniversary of my radical nephrectomy, but somehow, it didn't. and it should.)

it sure's feels good to be alive instead of pushing up grass from a hole in the ground. whatever problems we face, however difficult your lives are, alive is still better than it's alternative.

if you don't think so, you felt death's cold breath on your nape as he comes calling. you haven't tried looking beyond a month's time and seeing nothing but darkness. you haven't held your spouse or your youngest (o r eldest, whatever) child, and thought that it might be the last time. you haven't woken up to a gentle sunrise, thankful that you're still there to see it. you ought to try it sometime. you'll gain a whole new perspective.

i'll admit i still have days when i get depressed, but doesn't everyone? it sneaks up on me and i begin to wonder whether i, and everyone else, wouldn't be better off if i weren't around.

and then i remember how scared i was just a year ago, when i learned i had renal cancer, and more so when it was said to have metastasized to my left lung and my right arm. talk about being afraid. how i prayed then - masses, visits to the Blessed Sacrament, service to the church whenever called upon, and more prayers every time i was alone and wasn't doing anything. how hard i worked at my healing protocol, sticking religiously to my diet, exercising even when i felt tired and just wanted to sleep, eating my raw pork pancreas and my raw beef liver.

i remember several friends and friends of friends who suffered their own journeys of illness, treatments, prayers, and are no longer among us. and those who struggled and are still struggling, but thankful to wake up in the mornings. some of them were mentioned in the healing prayers request section of this blog.

and i remember the gift of life i received from our Lord, along with the gifts of courage, hope, and love of family and friends. and i remember the joy of feeling the sun in my face, the cool evening breeze. i am glad to feel comfort n the pleasant company of friends. i revel in the service i am able to give my church and my God.

and i know i still like alive better than not alive. oh, i long for the company of my Creator, no doubt, but as long as He lets me live, i will be thankful. bad days are temporary, they will pass. i will not let them define my life.

in gratitude for the gift of the past year, i must acknowledge the support and devotion of those who, aside from the Lord, made the year possible.

• Cris, for always being there, never showing the slightest sign of faltering in her support; from the day i first felt pain, to the time we received news about the biopsy, to deciding about the treatment we would use, and through everyday that she had to help me with my protocol. when the oncologist mentioned the p248k/month medication, she bravely told to me that we could probably raise the money if we were sure the medicine would help. what a faithful and pretty liar my wife can be when she needs to be, though not a very convincing one.
• the mother and daughter tandem of Melds and Erica, for patiently preparing my raw pancreas and liver, vegetable salad, brown rice, blanched veggies, fresh fruit juices, and brewed coffee; constantly reminding me to eat properly; even preparing my baon when i have to have my meals outside.
• Ponch, Christo, Mikey, Jerome, Jeremiah, and Anne for just by being there, laughing and horsing around, at times even disappointing and angering me. the good times and the bad were all privileges of life.
• my vast family of brothers, in-laws, cousins, and aunts who provide food supplements, organic salt, walnuts, almonds, and pistachios, encouraging words of support, and valuable prayers.
• my friends who help out in countless ways from introducing me to alternative medicine, sending email that lift me up and cheer me on in the struggle, to gifts of kesong puti and buko pie and needed funds, to requests for blog updates that encourage me to share my journey.
• to my doctors in makati med who provided the first line of cure; even my oncologist had a part to play in the selection of my treatment.
• to dr dy-liacco for his protocol and patient consultations and advice; to dr bernardo for encouragement in using alternative medicine and showing new possibilities of healing medicine; and to annie, dr dy-liacco's assistant for her openness and willingness to help out.

i can't thank you all by name (i might use up my entire google allotment), but you know who you are, and you know how valuable your being with us on this journey has been. don't be too shy or too humble to acknowledge your contributions to my being here today. it would have been much more difficult without you.

so to all, my deepest gratitude for this extension of my life. i'll try to be worthy of your concern and active participation.

and that's life as benjie today, striving to live up to the value of family and friends.