A day I'm glad to have

it's my birthday anniversary today. i'm 59, and alive! ain't that great? for awhile back there, i worried i wouldn't see this day. so i'm very glad to have it to enjoy life.

3 weeks ago, i went to see my alt med doctor, dr jimmy, concerned about the cancer in my left lung and the osseous metastasis in my right bone structure. he asked me sit down, then suddenly stopped, looked at me and asked, 'but how do you feel?' i couldn't suppress a wide smile because the previous day i had done 16 laps and felt pretty good. so i told him. he proceeded to do his muscle testing on me (one day, i'll explain what muscle testing is, but not now.)

when he'd finished, he looked down at me (he's not a tall guy, but he was on his feet and i was seated), and said, 'no, i don't detect any cancer anymore. you're fine.' i was floored. i didn't know if i would jump up and give him a great big hug (nope. i didn't. i'm a bit homophobic.); or break down in tears (neither. i was brought up learning big boys don't cry.); or just dance around the room (not that either. michael had just died so everyone was reprising their moonwalking skills, but i never had any to start with). so, i just sat there and tried to take in the various levels of meanings of his pronouncement.

no more fear? no more worrying? no more raw pancreas and raw liver? well, not that. he quickly disabused me of any notion of giving up those delicacies. he said i have to continue with the protocol for the entire 6 months (3 more months to go) and for the rest of my life, still take them on a reduced frequency so that the cancer doesn't come back.

as i walked out the gate, i remembered to say a quiet prayer of thanks to my Healer. in the excitement, i had temporarily forgotten about Him. but i'm getting better, in the BC days (before cancer), i would have probably reached home in makati from la vista before i would remember.

by the time i got home, the doubts had creeped in. what if dr jimmy was mistaken? what if he's just a quack? what if i'm not healed? so i started to agonize until i remembered who the real Healer is. God said he'd take care of me and i have to keep my faith in His word.

anyway, cris and i decided it's time to use my oncologist's request for another ct scan. i'm still holding off on the request for the mri. the contrast dye they use for ct scans and mri's scares me. i've read that it has bad affects on the kidneys. until i find a compatible kidney donor, who will cheerfully donate his/her kidney to me without cost, i'm taking very good care of my one remaining kidney.

but i recall how inconclusive either of those tests can be. the findings in my left lung were basically disregarded bec they were too faint to definitely indicate cancer cells. the osseous metastasis (i've learned to like the sound of that phrase. it's sooo alliterative. is that the word i want? it glides off the tongue so smoothly, masking its lethal connotation,) was not conclusively cancer either. it could be 1) very bad arthritis, 2) severe trauma, 3) severerer osteoporosis, or 3) severest osseous metastasis. take your pick. you'd have a 25% chance of being right.

so why the hell go through the exercise at all? well, bec it would be so pleasant to hear that the results don't indicate any cancer at all. and it would be sooo ssweeeett to see the face of my oncologist when he reads that report. i wouldn't feel i would have to comfort him anymore. or maybe on second thought, i'd have to comfort him even more when he realizes all their high-tech machinery and expensive education didn't help me at all. (snicker. snicker. snicker.)

and then, another problem reared its head. so, i'm well? what if i was never really sick? what if i didn't have cancer at all? i just said those tests were all inconclusive, didn't i? then all these prayers from friends were a waste of effort? all my blog posts had no meaning? in the words of the bard, were they 'all full of sound and fury, signifying nothing?' will people say i just wasted their sympathy? will my friends now abandon me and label me a fraidy cat, a boy who cried wolf?

oh! the shame! the humiliation! it's almost too much for someone with my inflated ego to bear. good thing my ego is inflated enough to handle it.

the other indicators my oncologist warned me to look out for, are not evident either. he said to watch out for cysts in the lymph nodes around the neck and in the crotch; negative. pain in the affected bones, specifically my right arm; negative. pain in the lower back; positive, but then i've felt pain there for some time, besides, they're more like muscle pains. they go away when i do stretching exercises.

this morning i took my fbs, and it registered at 74. first time i ever went below 84. the only irritating indicator is my weight. i looked at the scales earlier and i'm down to 156 lbs. i had been holding on to 160 for around 3 weeks. but i kind of expected the weight loss bec i've been missing the brown rice part of my meals these past 2 weeks. not everyday, but often enough to make me suspect i'd lose weight.

so for those of you who want to slim down, i highly recommend a vegan diet, guaranteed to help you lose those pounds or kilos or tons. of course the crucial thing is motivation; you just want to lose weight, i don't want to lose my life. it's like someone stuck a loaded gun to your face and said, 'your meat dishes or your life?' no contest, really.

so anyway, a day after seeing dr jimmy, i hied off to the Blessed Sacrament again, sat down, and asked God a direct question, 'am i healed? am i well? am i cancer free?' actually, those were 3 questions.

His response was a simple, 'how do you feel? d'you feel sick? are you weak, tired, debilitated? do you suffer from nausea? vomiting? how do you FEEL?'

sheepishly, i answered, 'to tell You the truth, i feel fine. i feel pretty good, in fact.'

and He said, 'well, what more do you want? church bells ringing? fireworks going off? singing and dancing in the streets?' not in exactly those words, but that was the feeling i got.

and no, those were not what i expected. i wanted reassurance that i was ok. but the sense i also got from Him was, 'that's all the reassurance you'll get, or need. you feel fine, and you are fine. so don't fret over it. say 'thank you' and enjoy your blessings.'

so, thank you, Lord. thank you, cris. thank you, kids, thank you to my family, and thank you to all of you, my friends. you are all blessings to me. oh, and don't go away. it's nice having you around.

and that's life with benjie, on another day i'm glad i have.

Staying the course

i've deliberated these past weeks whether to continue this blog with accounts of my journey, or to write about other things. you see, in your shoes, i'd be starting to tire of reading about the trials and tribulations of one person, no matter how good a friend he is. well, it just goes to show what kind of friend i am.

however, i have decided, as the title of this post states, to stay the course, based on your comments in this blog, on emailed messages, and on conversations with friends.

i started this blog for simple reasons. there were some things i wanted to say to cris and my children and i thought writing them down was the best way to get them across. gathering everyone for a meeting is difficult because often everyone is not in the frame of mind to listen. and i don't like repeating myself, so i figured if i wrote my thoughts down, each one could read them when they were best disposed to. writing gave me an opportunity to review my words before i release them; to make sure i'm saying what i really mean to say.

i also wanted to let some close friends know what was happening to me. i didn't want to have to discuss my condition with everyone who sincerely wanted a truthful answer to 'how are you?' i can simply say, 'read my blog if you really want to know. if not, i'm good.'

i could have a record of what i said to remind myself of the things i'm going through. i don't want to forget my cancer. i have this disease, malfunction, malignancy, whatever, in my body, and i don't want to ever deny it. this is also the reason i usually wear my red Carewell Community band. it reminds me of my mortality, and helps to keep me less arrogant than i usually am. (i'm working or eliminating the arrogance. honest!)

i didn't intend it to be an apologia on my way of life, nor an exposè of my dreams and frustrations in life, nor an inspirational tract on relationships with God. i never dreamed i would be telling you about my conversations with God. but it has metamorphosed from a simple memo to something way beyond my objectives.

it's no longer just about me, but about us, friends in a journey of life. without meaning to, i have drawn you closer to me; and you have responded with your companionship. before i forget, a heartfelt 'thank you' to all.

i write the blog but you help shape what comes out with your comments, your private emails about what i write, and what you tell me personally. this makes the blog much more interesting and meaningful to all of us. for we each have our own journeys thru life.

this blog is about my journey given my condition. sometimes, the journey is a financial one, basically from a point of want, to a point of satisfaction or beyond. other times, the journey is from a life lacking in meaning to one of fulfillment. again, there are journeys from personal acquisition to a generous sharing of one's life. often, it is a combination of all of these. we travel several pathways simultaneously, but thru this blog our paths meet; for a time they become one, then they head off in different directions again. our paths will converge again and again as long as we remain in touch.

as we journey, we experience our own difficulties, our own struggles. at journey's end, sometimes, if we're good, worked hard, and are blessed, we find ourselves in the destinations we set out when we started. more often, we fall short of our destinations no matter how hard we tried, how much desire we put into our efforts. we may fall short, but we do not fail. the journey itself is the essence of our lives, not the end. therefore, take pleasure in it, no matter your circumstances.

let me now provide you with a medical update. however much you enjoy my messages in this blog, a lot of you still read it just to keep tabs on my health. considering my last update was about 21 days ago, i should let you know how i'm doing.

i left you with the news that my mri indicated osseous metastasis in my clavicle and right arm. i was supposed to see my onco the following week, but i didn't. that was my dark period of fear, despair, and self-pity. but after that scolding from God, i felt much better and told you so. that should really have satisfied you, but you're looking for medical evidence about my wellness. well, ness, i'm well. goodness.

i did see the onco last week on a wednesday, and among his first words were, 'i didn't think you'd be coming back to see me,' which got some chuckles all around. but i quickly came down to business and told him that i would like to continue seeing him for medical tests. the ct scans, the mri's, the whatever that would provide scientific indicators about my medical state. but, i stressed, i had decided against accepting any traditional western medical treatment. no sutent, no nexavar, no interferone. i confessed i was using an alt med treatment and taking food supplements.

he had such a sorrowful look on his face, i wanted to hold him in my arms and comfort him. he said that if that's my decision, he'd go along with it. he said there were numerous cases of people with cancer walking around hale and hearty, and you wonder how they get by without any treatment. at that point, i felt like shouting, 'hey, doc. i have a treatment, only it doesn't involve sutent! didn't you hear what i said?' because apparently for him, an alt med treatment is no treatment at all.

anyway, he promised to consult with the radiology doctor about my mri scans because it's hard to conclude with the indicators they have. the dark color in my clavicle and right arm could be osseous metastasis. or, it could be osteoporosis (as my alt med guide told me it was). or, it could be arthrities, or something else. after he had a chance to speak with the radiology doctor, he would have a better idea. so we promised to get back to him, this week, which we didn't. i got very busy on monday and on wednesday, his 2 clinic days. we're freeing our schedule to see him on monday.

so far, i think i'm doing pretty well. the diarrhea has stopped, i'm eating well, except on those days when i have to go out and can't take my regular meals on time. the unwanted result is that i have lost another 2 pounds, and i'm down to about 165 lbs. i wanted to be at 175. and the 36”-waist pants i purchased a few weeks back are now a bit loose for me.

but not to worry, please. my appetite is still good. but i'm really having a difficult time eating a lot, what with all the supplements and glasses of water i have to drink everyday. that fills me up and i don't feel like eating much. however, cris and the children have been baking much better whole wheat bread and i often snack on that with cottage cheese or the delicious original kesong puti that manny provided for me. i'm eating more saba bananas, which are the best because they're chock full of potassium. i'm drinking more fresh apple juice. i'm eating well.

i also had a minor problem with my digestive enzymes because i'm missing at least 1 serving of my raw pork pancreas (rpp) 2 – 3 days out of every week. dr jimmy, my alt med guide, told me i shouldn't let that happen. so he made me buy some pancreatic capsules that i can take when i'm out and can't eat the rpp. i have to take 12 caps for every serving i miss, which goes to show how potent the rpp is. anyway, at almost p28/cap, each rpp serving is worth about p333.33. and i have to have 7 servings a day! i've resolved not to miss another rpp serving. i'll just keep the pancreatic caps for 'just in case'.

i told you i wanted to take up some weight lifting, but my onco said no, my orthopedic surgeon said no, and my alt med guide said no. my younger children tho have helped me rediscover the joys and benefits of swimming. the other sunday, out of the blue, anne said she wanted to go swimming. naturally, the twins piped in too. so they decided they would go that afternoon to the camp aguinaldo officers' club swimming pool. sunday's my real rest day (truth to tell, everyday is a rest day for me.), and i didn't want to join them. but i said, 'what the... i keep saying i need to exercise, so go!' and i did.

we spent a great 2 hours in the pool. i was able to do 4 laps of breaststroke and 4 of freestyle, until i decided that was enough. then, i watched the twins and mikey race the length of the pool back and forth. mikey won, but jerome almost beat him on the 1st leg, and jeremiah almost caught up with him on the return lap. anne too was able to swim the length of the pool all by herself.

we've been back once on a thursday after school, and i went by myself last friday. i did 14 laps, 8 of breaststroke and 6 of freestyle. i'm also checking mikey's bike to make sure everything works well, so i can do biking also. so, i'm good with exercising.

i'd like to report that it's been 3 months since my operation on apr 22, when my cancer was spotted. i still feel fine. i continue to do most of what i used to do before my operation, except that i rest more now. don't spread it around, but my resting is more from choice than from necessity. tamad talaga ako. thanks for your prayers. please continue with them. i really believe they're what's keeping me alive and well.

a new minor problem is my eyesight. it has deteriorated considerably. but make no mistake, i can see well enough to drive though i drive my friends crazy when i put on my shades to drive at night. i do it cause i have sharper vision with them on and the bright headlights don't bother me much. my theory is that the shades force my pupils to dilate to take in more light, so i see better. those of you who know better, don't correct me. better i don't know. i love looking cool with shades at night.

i went to see an opthalmologist about it. i was diagnosed with slight cataract. expected, because it runs in the family. actually, the term he used was 'thin' cataracts in both eyes. not too bad yet. as to my blurred vision, he said my right eye is a lazy eye (amblyopia). it means my brain is not receiving all the info my eye sees; something awry with the connection.

anyway, the optha says the operation is an out-patient operation, 1 hour at most. he suggested we start with my right eye. when i asked if it would remedy my blurred vision, he said it wouldn't. so i suggested that we start with my left eye if it would help me see better more quickly. and he said, it wouldn't help either since the cataract isn't that bad, so there would really be minimum improvement, but we should have the operations as soon as possible anyway. oh, okkkkayyyy.

my next question was how much the operations would cost. he said not to worry about that cause it would be covered by my health card i would only have to pay for the lenses they would implant in my eyes. the cost of each lens (isn't the singular for this, 'len'?) would vary from a low of p1,500 to a high of p15,000. of course, he wouldn't recommend the cheaper models, which is what they use in medical missions for the poor, because they're not reliable and tend to break down after a year or two. better to stick to the higher end models, starting from p12,000 up. what about in the p10,000 price range? oh, yes, there are available lenses in that range which are still pretty good, but the p12,000 ones are much better.

he explained the procedure of the operations and what i would have to do to ready myself for them - approval of my cardio, biometric testing of my eyes. i went home after that convinced that i should have the operations. in the comfort of home, i began to think. if the operations aren't really going to improve my eyesight because i have amblyopia anyway, why should i have the operations? oh, because i don't have to pay for them. the hmo will do that. i only have to pay for the two p12,000 lenses.

we (when i use this pronoun, it means cris and i) decided to seek a second opinion from an optha friend. he confirmed the diagnosis of mild cataract and amblyopia, but he didn't recommend operations. i asked about medications, and he said since my diet is full of antioxidants and vitamins, there's nothing more he can add. he also said there are no eye exercises for my condition. he recommended another test to find out the extent of my eye problem.

so why didn't the second optha recommend the operations? 3 possible reasons: 1) he's not on hmo, 2) he's a family friend, and 3) he's simply a better doctor who takes good care of his patients. or in his case, all three.

my lesson learned is to always get a second opinion, or even a third, or fourth. when to stop? when you're convinced the doctor is sincere and looks at you as person who needs medical help instead of simply a source of his income.

oh, you'll want to know if i've had any further conversations with God. well, given the berating i received, i wasn't too eager to seek Him out again, but i did visit the Blessed Sacrament again a week after our last talk. well, He didn't tell me to run for president of the phils like He did some people. He didn't tell me the next winning lotto combination either so forget about getting a share of any winnings from me.

after i sat down in my usual place, and declared myself ready to receive His word, but not without some trepidation, He said, 'just sit down there and let me comfort you.' nothing earth-shaking, mind-bending, or heart-stopping. just a few words of solace. i felt so good. i did as i was told, basked in His presence, and rested.

so, that's still life with benjie, and you, sharing our journeys.

Yoyo update

the yoyo has gone down again.

this morning, i picked up the reading of the mri i had last thurs. naturally, i was completely at sea by the time i had read 4 words, 'intermedullary enhancing soft tissues...' so, skipping the next 3 sentences, i came to the short and sweet summary: 'osseous metastasis, scapula and humerus'.

i deduced that the cancer had indeed metastasized to my scapula and my right arm (assuming that 'humerus' had nothing to do with my wit).

subsequent surfing found a paper written by doctors in taiwan. skipping the parts that didn't make sense to me, i found the words 'osseous metastasis' connected with 'pain' and 'skeletal debilitation'. quoting further, '...the mean survival time between bone metastasis and death was 5.67 months'. yikes!

after reading the results of the mri, cris and i had a 2-hour wait for our consultation with a top oncologist from singapore, which was arranged by cris' boss. the objective of the consultation was to obtain a 2nd opinion on the diagnosis of my illness.

we had forwarded my medical results to the doctor the previous week, so he had time to familiarize himself with my case. when we were seated, he immediately told us about 'nexavar' and 'sutent' (i hope i got the names right), which he said were the gold standards for treating renal cancer.

his own treatment is entirely different and still controversial, although he had successfully treated some patients with it. it would cost only a little more than half of what nexavar and sutent would cost. however, it would require a monthly visit to his clinic in singapore, for probably the rest of my life. maybe, we should just migrate to singapore or malaysia.

he told me i could try nexavar or sutent first, if i wanted to because they are the more popular and tested medications. he told me to think it over and then, get back to him. i figured that his saying this meant i still had the luxury of time to test the gold standards first, before going for his treatment. remember, i hadn't yet surfed 'osseous metastasis' at that point.

back in the car, i was chuckling to myself. cris asked me what was so funny. i said that before we left, the doctor had told me not to lose hope. i found it funny because even if he had said there was no chance of my being cured, i wouldn't lose hope at all. faith and hope were the only things that kept me going. i couldn't lose either one at all.

so that's life as benjie, yoyo-ing down the road of life.

Selecting a cure

once people learned i had cancer, family and friends came forward to offer assistance by pointing cris and i to several doctors, oncologists, and alternative medicine practitioners. i realized i had to think of how i would like to be treated.

although the natural choice would normally be western medicine with its scientific and technological developments over the years, i have been a follower and believer of alternative medicine for a long time. the idea of natural remedies has always appealed to me. maybe it's because of my being a filipino, with all our herbolarios, hilots and faith-healers. i grew up in the province where these were the healers of first choice, because doctors educated in western medicine were not always available or were beyond the financial capability of barrio people.

besides, western medicine despite all its well-funded research and scientific clinical tests, has a 'hit or miss' element in its treatments. it is not uncommon for doctors to prescribe a drug for a malady, and when it doesn't work on a patient, to move on to the next drug, and then, move on again, until the right one is found.

even the more expensive, modern machines are not 100% accurate or effective. doctors admit that radiology and chemotherapy affects not only cancer cells, but good cells as well. they have side effects which are managed with more drugs, which in turn also have other side effects.

the western medications and treatments work for some people, but not for others. on the patients that respond well to the therapy, the healing is sometimes partial or temporary. i believe this is because different people will react to these medications and treatments in different ways. after all, each of us is unique in our physiology and chemical compositions.

defenders of western medicine will say that these “gold standard” therapies are backed with years of extensive research and development, and have undergone strictly controlled tests in order to ensure their safety and effectiveness. they can quote medical statistics to prove each treatment’s effectiveness. yet, there are adverse effects. yet, healing is not assured.

at this point in my journey, i have chosen the alternative medicine route. i can imagine my traditional (read, western medine) doctor-friends moaning and groaning, and saying what a great mistake i am making. i am playing with my health and my life. i am delaying the application of medications and treatments that could save my life.

bear with me while i explain my decision.

why choose alternative medicine, which is fraught with hocus-pocus, quacks, and frauds? because sometimes real healers can be found among them.

but they have no scientific data to back them up; no strict clinical tests done on their treatments. of what use are scientific data or clinical test results to me, if i have no assurance of being cured? uncertainty exists in both western and alternative medicine.

while it is true that alternative medicine have no empirical data to back it up, there are living, breathing people who have been cured with it. like a doctor of mine said, 'how can you argue with success?' well, some successes exist anyway.

but why alternative? because, as i've said, i'm partial to 'natural', as opposed to synthetically produced drugs that are based on natural elements.

i have heard several alternative medicine explanations of cancer. different treatments based on natural healing abound. how do i separate the grain from the chaff? i listen and try to go with what sounds the most logical to me.

how can i trust my own uneducated, unscientific assessment of a similarly wide variety of alternative medicine therapies? because in the end, i am responsible for myself. it is my life (and to be macabre about it, my death) and no one else’s. am i forgetting cris and my children? no, i am not, but i have to live my life, as they do theirs, and i also believe i am making the best choice that will allow me to share a fuller longer life with them. we all make our choices. some will be good, most will not be so good. i have made some unbelievably bad choices in my life! but i have always been prepared to pay the price for them, as i am doing now.

but the thing that leads me most to alternative medicine is my desire to be an active participant in my healing process, rather than a passive patient. with western medicine, i am given medications and treated by a physician, who is expected to heal me. in the alternative medicine approach i choose, i am my own healer, and my physician is my guide.

this may seem like a good cut-out mechanism for my alternative medicine coach. if i am not cured, it's my fault, not his, for not following instructions, for not sticking to my prescribed diet, for not religiously taking my food supplements, for not exercising properly. if the western-trained doctor does not heal me, hey! it's not my fault. he failed in his job.

but i prefer taking the responsibility for my well-being and cure on my shoulders, rather than on letting someone else bear the weight of all that responsibility.

cris is concerned about the tone of finality in my decision. would i change my mind if alternative medicine doesn't work? would i be willing to go the other route? like they said, 'it ain't over til the fat lady sings', and right now, there ain't any fat lady around to sing.

sure, i'm willing to explore, to listen, to weigh and to judge. but i have put down the guidelines i would like to base my decisions on. these are things i believe define the values i live by. and if we don't live by the values we choose in life, what are we but slaves to circumstances?

would i trade my good looks, ie hair, strong-looking physique, for a few more months of life under chemotherapy? would i prefer to be alive but weak and helpless in my bed? would i be able to stand the looks of fear and pity in the eyes of cris, my children and my friends when i am wasted and unable to function properly?

difficult questions to answer unless you're face to face with death. yesterday, i met an old classmate from la salle, chito jaraiz. he has cancer too. and he told me, 'we are the fortunate ones, benj. we know that we will soon be gone and can prepare for it. the others have no prior warning, and that could be more dangerous.' indeed, bro.

i have one last, over-riding reason for staying on my chosen path. on the day after i consulted with the alternative medicine practitioner whom i had already selected to be my guide, i decided to lift up my decision to God. i went to mass and stayed with the Blessed Sacrament for some time. i had made several decisions in the past without consulting the Lord. some of them turned out to be good decisions, some, bad. but even with the good decisions, without the Lord's blessing, the uncertainty would weigh heavily on me. this time, i needed His guidance. i could do without so much uncertainty.

i asked Him my questions; i prayed; and then, as i usually do in front of the Blessed Sacrament, i kept quiet, and listened, and prepared myself to wait. His answer came immediately and with such force, that i could not question His response . His words to me were, “Western or alternative medicine, makes no difference. Either one can make you well. What is important is My presence. I am the Healer.”

and that's life as benjie, with God.

Acceptance

you know that phenomenon where you hear a song once, and can't stop singing or humming it for days afterwards? that was what happened when my doctors, dr ferrer and dr nazareth, left my bedside the day before i was released. dr nazareth's parting words kept ringing in my head for days, 'shop around for an oncologist.'
usually, you shop around for an appliance, a tv set or a ref, that will last 3-5 years. you shop around for a car that will last 5-10 years. or, you shop around for a house that will last, well, hopefully, for your lifetime. and that was what 'shopping around for an oncologist' sounded like. get one that you can live with for the rest of your life. it sure sounded like getting married all over again.
still, i was upbeat when i left the hospital. i could urinate without blood or pain. my wound was healing pretty well. my blood sugar count, though on the high side, was within acceptable norms. and i was going home!
the next days at home were spent monitoring my blood sugar count, 4 times a day, later down to twice a day. i learned to eat within my prescribed diet; no salt, no sugar, no fat, no oil. to do this, we had to plan the way meat and vegetables would be cooked, and the condiments and herbs to use in preparing my meals. cris had to dress my wound every other day, while i basically lay in bed and rested.
on the weekend, i was looking forward to going back to dr ferrer and dr nazareth the next monday, for my check-up. they would also have the biopsy report (formally, the surgical pathology consultation report) on the mass that was removed from my kidney. dr nazareth's suggestion of looking for an oncologist was based not only on the 10cm size of the mass, but also on the findings of 'occult' traces of malignant cells in my body from the bone scan. i needed to hear conclusive findings. the term, 'occult' or 'microscopic', was giving me some small hope of being cancer-free. the biosy would tell me whether i was living on false hope or not.
but before monday, i decided to surf the net to try to get some info about what was ailing me. i found that blood in the urine meant something wrong with the kidney; that this could mean a mass in the kidney, normally malignant; that a 10cm mass meant at least stage-3 cancer; that what i had was renal cancer. then the usual treatments, medication, radiology, chemotherapy. i got really scared, then figured, 'wait for the biopsy report before starting to worry big time.'
i actually got my first warning about my condition from marlo, my brother. cony, his wife, a neurosurgeon, had told him before my operation that my symptoms were indicative of either kidney or pancreatic cancer. still, i clung to the hope that maybe it wasn't, or that maybe the surgery would remove it.
monday morning, we were supposed to see dr nazareth first to remove the staples from my wound, and to give us the lowdown about the biopsy report. unfortunately, he had an emergency operation in batangas and would only be available in the afternoon.
we went to see dr ferrer. he didn't have the biopsy report and had to send down to the pathology lab for it. he explained that the mass was indeed stage-3 carcinoma. but apparently, it hadn't spread to the adjacent organs or tissues. that lifted my spirits. then, he said we would still need to consult an oncologist because what he knows of cancer could be 10 years behind the times. besides, there was correlation between my kidney problem, the bone scan results, and the pathology report. my spirits took another downward turn. (friends have mentioned a roller coaster ride. i'll have a posting on this soon.)
when we finally saw dr nazareth, he explained that aside from my kidney, he had taken out a portion of the vein connected to my kidney, and a lymph node that seemed to have been affected. however, the biopsy report said that the lymph node was negative for cancer traces. he reiterated his advice to look for an oncologist who would then recommend the best treatment for me.
he told me that we needed to monitor the progress of my kidney. i would have to go for an ultra-sound every 3 months, and a ct scan at least annually, maybe even every 6 months, because the ultra-sound would not be able to give clear indications of a recurrence of the tumor, which was possible.
yesterday, thursday, we visited dr aragon, my endocrinologist, for my sugar monitoring. the blood test i had done on monday showed by sugar level to be at 98.98. when i entered the hospital it was about 180. so things looked good. but again, close monitoring was needed because the 4 things affected by diabetes were the eyes, the heart, the kidney of which i only had one left, hence the need for stricter vigilance, and the foot.
besides, the oncologist might prescribe some medication for chemotherapy that could increase my sugar level, i would really have to consult with him again when i begin my treatments.
in the afternoon, dickie heras, a friend whose wife, yvet, had undergone chemotherapy last year (and who is now doing very well), brought us to carewell community, to meet its founder and managing director, bobit suntay. (http://www.carewellcommunity.org/)
bobit explained what carewell did and how it helps and supports cancer patients. we, or rather cris, my resident would-be-doctor, explained my illness and the results of the different tests i had undergone. bobit then spoke of the different treatments available to cancer patients, from what he called, 'the gold standard' of western medicine, to alternative medicine. western medicine is based on scientific studies and empirical evidence, while eastern or alternative medicine goes by anecdotal experiences of patients who have been healed. there is no clear explanation how or why alternative medicine works, but there are several living, breathing 'proofs' that it works. it would be our decision which of these branches to go with, or what mixture we would work with. personally, i prefer alternative non-invasive medicine, but i'm open to both eastern and western medicine. whatever it takes to get well.
carewell would be there to support us in our journey. bobit mentioned the names of several reliable oncologists we could consult. he also said he could refer us to alternative medicine practitioners, if that is what we choose.
on the way home, i could only think that all the doctors we had spoken to this week, and even bobit suntay, had no doubt about the need for me to consult with an oncologist. no if's or but's about it, i needed an oncologist. and what disturbed me even more, was that they didn't make it sound like a one time consultation. we had to find an oncologist we could work and live with, because this was for the long haul.
last night, we went to a get-together hosted by my close aunt, doña nonette medina. it was her mom's (my lola domi's) 10^th death anniversary, and i think, she and ate aiding, her sister, also took it as an opportunity to fete me for a successful operation.
we spent time talking about our various medical problems because nonette had just had a spinal operation and was still experiencing considerable pain now and then. ed, nonette's husband, has diabetes, no, sorry, very high sugar count, but not diabetes. peping gonzales, my uncle from another lolo, has had several operations on both knees and one on the upper part of his spinal column.
of course, delicious food was served by nonette, as usual. i small portions of everything, except the clams and mussels of which i liberally partook. i even had a taste of the ice cream cake, and of the cheese puff from Conti's. (my fasting blood sugar this morning: 103, which is very good.)
after the meal, lulu gonzales, an aunt from another lolo, who's actually younger than i am, looked over my test results. being a doctor, i was very interested in what she had to say and listened closely to her explanations. before saying a word, just by the look on her face, i could tell she was about to concur with the other doctors about my sickness and my need for an oncologist.
more than any of the other doctors, lulu's words drove home the fact that i am now a cancer patient. full acceptance of that will take some time, i'm sure. this is just the first step. tomorrow, i will wake up and have to accept it again. and the day after, and the day after.
i am a cancer patient. whether i will be a cancer survivor and for how long, depends on me, my oncologist, and my God. i know cris will be always with me in this difficult journey, but so will my close family, my extended family, and my friends.
i do not make this statement of acceptance to solicit pity for me. pity, i can do without. i do it so that when you pray for me, you may know what it is i need in my life at this moment; and that is healing. But beyond that, that we all may accept whatever it is God wills in our lives.
this i promise to you all. i will do whatever needs to be done, eat or drink what i must, and do away with whatever is harmful, to try to fight this disease. i owe it to you who have shown so much concern for me and have given so much support to cris and to me. i owe it to my children. and i owe it to my wife. thank you again. God be with us all.
and that's life as benjie these days.