Staying the course

i've deliberated these past weeks whether to continue this blog with accounts of my journey, or to write about other things. you see, in your shoes, i'd be starting to tire of reading about the trials and tribulations of one person, no matter how good a friend he is. well, it just goes to show what kind of friend i am.

however, i have decided, as the title of this post states, to stay the course, based on your comments in this blog, on emailed messages, and on conversations with friends.

i started this blog for simple reasons. there were some things i wanted to say to cris and my children and i thought writing them down was the best way to get them across. gathering everyone for a meeting is difficult because often everyone is not in the frame of mind to listen. and i don't like repeating myself, so i figured if i wrote my thoughts down, each one could read them when they were best disposed to. writing gave me an opportunity to review my words before i release them; to make sure i'm saying what i really mean to say.

i also wanted to let some close friends know what was happening to me. i didn't want to have to discuss my condition with everyone who sincerely wanted a truthful answer to 'how are you?' i can simply say, 'read my blog if you really want to know. if not, i'm good.'

i could have a record of what i said to remind myself of the things i'm going through. i don't want to forget my cancer. i have this disease, malfunction, malignancy, whatever, in my body, and i don't want to ever deny it. this is also the reason i usually wear my red Carewell Community band. it reminds me of my mortality, and helps to keep me less arrogant than i usually am. (i'm working or eliminating the arrogance. honest!)

i didn't intend it to be an apologia on my way of life, nor an exposè of my dreams and frustrations in life, nor an inspirational tract on relationships with God. i never dreamed i would be telling you about my conversations with God. but it has metamorphosed from a simple memo to something way beyond my objectives.

it's no longer just about me, but about us, friends in a journey of life. without meaning to, i have drawn you closer to me; and you have responded with your companionship. before i forget, a heartfelt 'thank you' to all.

i write the blog but you help shape what comes out with your comments, your private emails about what i write, and what you tell me personally. this makes the blog much more interesting and meaningful to all of us. for we each have our own journeys thru life.

this blog is about my journey given my condition. sometimes, the journey is a financial one, basically from a point of want, to a point of satisfaction or beyond. other times, the journey is from a life lacking in meaning to one of fulfillment. again, there are journeys from personal acquisition to a generous sharing of one's life. often, it is a combination of all of these. we travel several pathways simultaneously, but thru this blog our paths meet; for a time they become one, then they head off in different directions again. our paths will converge again and again as long as we remain in touch.

as we journey, we experience our own difficulties, our own struggles. at journey's end, sometimes, if we're good, worked hard, and are blessed, we find ourselves in the destinations we set out when we started. more often, we fall short of our destinations no matter how hard we tried, how much desire we put into our efforts. we may fall short, but we do not fail. the journey itself is the essence of our lives, not the end. therefore, take pleasure in it, no matter your circumstances.

let me now provide you with a medical update. however much you enjoy my messages in this blog, a lot of you still read it just to keep tabs on my health. considering my last update was about 21 days ago, i should let you know how i'm doing.

i left you with the news that my mri indicated osseous metastasis in my clavicle and right arm. i was supposed to see my onco the following week, but i didn't. that was my dark period of fear, despair, and self-pity. but after that scolding from God, i felt much better and told you so. that should really have satisfied you, but you're looking for medical evidence about my wellness. well, ness, i'm well. goodness.

i did see the onco last week on a wednesday, and among his first words were, 'i didn't think you'd be coming back to see me,' which got some chuckles all around. but i quickly came down to business and told him that i would like to continue seeing him for medical tests. the ct scans, the mri's, the whatever that would provide scientific indicators about my medical state. but, i stressed, i had decided against accepting any traditional western medical treatment. no sutent, no nexavar, no interferone. i confessed i was using an alt med treatment and taking food supplements.

he had such a sorrowful look on his face, i wanted to hold him in my arms and comfort him. he said that if that's my decision, he'd go along with it. he said there were numerous cases of people with cancer walking around hale and hearty, and you wonder how they get by without any treatment. at that point, i felt like shouting, 'hey, doc. i have a treatment, only it doesn't involve sutent! didn't you hear what i said?' because apparently for him, an alt med treatment is no treatment at all.

anyway, he promised to consult with the radiology doctor about my mri scans because it's hard to conclude with the indicators they have. the dark color in my clavicle and right arm could be osseous metastasis. or, it could be osteoporosis (as my alt med guide told me it was). or, it could be arthrities, or something else. after he had a chance to speak with the radiology doctor, he would have a better idea. so we promised to get back to him, this week, which we didn't. i got very busy on monday and on wednesday, his 2 clinic days. we're freeing our schedule to see him on monday.

so far, i think i'm doing pretty well. the diarrhea has stopped, i'm eating well, except on those days when i have to go out and can't take my regular meals on time. the unwanted result is that i have lost another 2 pounds, and i'm down to about 165 lbs. i wanted to be at 175. and the 36”-waist pants i purchased a few weeks back are now a bit loose for me.

but not to worry, please. my appetite is still good. but i'm really having a difficult time eating a lot, what with all the supplements and glasses of water i have to drink everyday. that fills me up and i don't feel like eating much. however, cris and the children have been baking much better whole wheat bread and i often snack on that with cottage cheese or the delicious original kesong puti that manny provided for me. i'm eating more saba bananas, which are the best because they're chock full of potassium. i'm drinking more fresh apple juice. i'm eating well.

i also had a minor problem with my digestive enzymes because i'm missing at least 1 serving of my raw pork pancreas (rpp) 2 – 3 days out of every week. dr jimmy, my alt med guide, told me i shouldn't let that happen. so he made me buy some pancreatic capsules that i can take when i'm out and can't eat the rpp. i have to take 12 caps for every serving i miss, which goes to show how potent the rpp is. anyway, at almost p28/cap, each rpp serving is worth about p333.33. and i have to have 7 servings a day! i've resolved not to miss another rpp serving. i'll just keep the pancreatic caps for 'just in case'.

i told you i wanted to take up some weight lifting, but my onco said no, my orthopedic surgeon said no, and my alt med guide said no. my younger children tho have helped me rediscover the joys and benefits of swimming. the other sunday, out of the blue, anne said she wanted to go swimming. naturally, the twins piped in too. so they decided they would go that afternoon to the camp aguinaldo officers' club swimming pool. sunday's my real rest day (truth to tell, everyday is a rest day for me.), and i didn't want to join them. but i said, 'what the... i keep saying i need to exercise, so go!' and i did.

we spent a great 2 hours in the pool. i was able to do 4 laps of breaststroke and 4 of freestyle, until i decided that was enough. then, i watched the twins and mikey race the length of the pool back and forth. mikey won, but jerome almost beat him on the 1st leg, and jeremiah almost caught up with him on the return lap. anne too was able to swim the length of the pool all by herself.

we've been back once on a thursday after school, and i went by myself last friday. i did 14 laps, 8 of breaststroke and 6 of freestyle. i'm also checking mikey's bike to make sure everything works well, so i can do biking also. so, i'm good with exercising.

i'd like to report that it's been 3 months since my operation on apr 22, when my cancer was spotted. i still feel fine. i continue to do most of what i used to do before my operation, except that i rest more now. don't spread it around, but my resting is more from choice than from necessity. tamad talaga ako. thanks for your prayers. please continue with them. i really believe they're what's keeping me alive and well.

a new minor problem is my eyesight. it has deteriorated considerably. but make no mistake, i can see well enough to drive though i drive my friends crazy when i put on my shades to drive at night. i do it cause i have sharper vision with them on and the bright headlights don't bother me much. my theory is that the shades force my pupils to dilate to take in more light, so i see better. those of you who know better, don't correct me. better i don't know. i love looking cool with shades at night.

i went to see an opthalmologist about it. i was diagnosed with slight cataract. expected, because it runs in the family. actually, the term he used was 'thin' cataracts in both eyes. not too bad yet. as to my blurred vision, he said my right eye is a lazy eye (amblyopia). it means my brain is not receiving all the info my eye sees; something awry with the connection.

anyway, the optha says the operation is an out-patient operation, 1 hour at most. he suggested we start with my right eye. when i asked if it would remedy my blurred vision, he said it wouldn't. so i suggested that we start with my left eye if it would help me see better more quickly. and he said, it wouldn't help either since the cataract isn't that bad, so there would really be minimum improvement, but we should have the operations as soon as possible anyway. oh, okkkkayyyy.

my next question was how much the operations would cost. he said not to worry about that cause it would be covered by my health card i would only have to pay for the lenses they would implant in my eyes. the cost of each lens (isn't the singular for this, 'len'?) would vary from a low of p1,500 to a high of p15,000. of course, he wouldn't recommend the cheaper models, which is what they use in medical missions for the poor, because they're not reliable and tend to break down after a year or two. better to stick to the higher end models, starting from p12,000 up. what about in the p10,000 price range? oh, yes, there are available lenses in that range which are still pretty good, but the p12,000 ones are much better.

he explained the procedure of the operations and what i would have to do to ready myself for them - approval of my cardio, biometric testing of my eyes. i went home after that convinced that i should have the operations. in the comfort of home, i began to think. if the operations aren't really going to improve my eyesight because i have amblyopia anyway, why should i have the operations? oh, because i don't have to pay for them. the hmo will do that. i only have to pay for the two p12,000 lenses.

we (when i use this pronoun, it means cris and i) decided to seek a second opinion from an optha friend. he confirmed the diagnosis of mild cataract and amblyopia, but he didn't recommend operations. i asked about medications, and he said since my diet is full of antioxidants and vitamins, there's nothing more he can add. he also said there are no eye exercises for my condition. he recommended another test to find out the extent of my eye problem.

so why didn't the second optha recommend the operations? 3 possible reasons: 1) he's not on hmo, 2) he's a family friend, and 3) he's simply a better doctor who takes good care of his patients. or in his case, all three.

my lesson learned is to always get a second opinion, or even a third, or fourth. when to stop? when you're convinced the doctor is sincere and looks at you as person who needs medical help instead of simply a source of his income.

oh, you'll want to know if i've had any further conversations with God. well, given the berating i received, i wasn't too eager to seek Him out again, but i did visit the Blessed Sacrament again a week after our last talk. well, He didn't tell me to run for president of the phils like He did some people. He didn't tell me the next winning lotto combination either so forget about getting a share of any winnings from me.

after i sat down in my usual place, and declared myself ready to receive His word, but not without some trepidation, He said, 'just sit down there and let me comfort you.' nothing earth-shaking, mind-bending, or heart-stopping. just a few words of solace. i felt so good. i did as i was told, basked in His presence, and rested.

so, that's still life with benjie, and you, sharing our journeys.

Love of my life

cris' birthday today. i would have liked to write a beautiful poem, or sketch her portrait. but i wouldn't dare write a poem. too late to make a nice sketch. so, here's a little something to let the world know what and who cris is to me.

1.cris is a colleague

before cris was anything, she was a colleague. i met her when i was hired by sgv as an systems analysis and programming instructor at the institute of advanced computer technology, or 'i/act'. i had had about 7 years experience by then, working in 5 or 6 different companies. i/act was cris' first job out of the u.p. college of engineering, where she majored in chemical engineering. she ended up with sgv because she was offered a scholarship in i/act to study programming and later, to work with sgv.

when i arrived in the company, i found several people whom i knew from college, or who were friends of friends. i felt like i belonged, and i showed it. cris and the other newly-graduated instructors found me loud, brass, and mayabang. guilty on all counts. it was not a very promising start for our relationship.

but from the first time i saw her, i found something special in cris. maybe it was her intelligence. she was after all, a scholar in u.p. and in i/act. i never even got a whiff of a scholarship blown my way. she had studied chemical engineering. in high school, the one experiment what got me noticed by my chemistry teacher, my duhat wine, hardly the product of a serious student.

cris was from baguio, which in those times, i considered a hick town. i was from tuguegarao, which was even more rural than baguio. she spoke english well, which is always something that impresses me.

and though she had very little knowledge of high fashion and wore clothes that belonged more in baguio than in makati, i found her very pretty. she had a nice, sexy figure; not thin, not stout either. and she had a nice, pert ass, which i secretly always watched as she walked across the room.

2.cris is a friend

despite my behavior which cris found obnoxious, we co-existed in the office. however two things brought us closer together.

first, i developed a debt of gratitude to her for saving my life. it happened during an office outing to a beach in batangas. we had walked some distance away, and decided to go for a swim. because i was a former president of our swimming club in la salle, i naturally wanted to show off.

after 10mins, about 30 yards from the rocks from where we started from, i developed cramps. cris had to tow me back to shore. that's when i admitted that i was elected president of the swimming club by my classmates whom i all defeated at billiards. it had nothing to do with my swimming skills.

she never told anyone about the embarrasing incident, for which i have always been grateful. and following the chinese adage that if you save someone's life, you have to take care of them for the rest of their lives, i attached myself to cris. if she saved me once, she would definitely do it again.

the second factor in our developing friendship was that i became her supervisor. at that time, i was made the course development manager for i/act, which meant that i was in charge of coming up with the manuals used in the individualized instruction courses we offered. cris was assigned to upgrade the cobol manuals being used. i would work out the detailed outline of the manuals with her and the other course developers, and oversee their development of the manuals.

as it turned out, i not only became her mentor at work, i became one of her mentors in life. one of the things that intrigued me about cris, was that despite her being a probinsyana, she was smart and pretty. she lacked the sophistication of the city-bred, but i believed that she merited more attention from men than she was getting. she didn't have a boyfriend, and she didn't have any suitors. which i thought was pretty strange.

so i thought to bring about a slight transformation in her to make her more attractive. i'd give her some advice about make-up and clothes. i knew more than a little about make-up and how to apply it because in high school, it was a great way to be able to get close to the girls and engage them in conversation. naturally, talk about make-up was just supposed to be a door-opener.

cris also wore clothes that marked her as a girl from the provinces. she'd wear blouses with slightly puffed-up sleeves, or round-necked dresses with lace or frilly collars. her skirts reached to below the knees, at a time when women were wearing mini-skirts. i thought she looked like an american bobby-soxer from the 50's, without the bobby socks.

i'd make suggestions on what clothes she should wear, but i never made much headway in that department. she still prefers flowery dresses. she'll only buy power coats and skirts when i force her to.

i had more luck in the make-up department. she started experimenting with the guidance of her best friend marissa. i felt good about being able to encourage her in that.

on her part, she made me feel like someone who deserved to have as a friend. she'd encourage me to join nights-out with our friends or go to office parties. she would never really stay by me, but she would make me feel like she wanted me to be there. it wasn't that she was attracted to me; she's just that type of person.

at times, i would treat her and a few friends to dinner at nice restaurants. when payday was nearing, i'd have run out of cash, and she would treat me to lunch in the office canteen. for me, it was a good deal.

one time, she probably felt i needed a good woman in my life. she arranged a blind date for me in one of my favorite restaurants, schwarzwalder. imagine my surprise and amusement, when my date turned out to be marissa, cris' best friend in i/act. marissa and i had a good laugh over it, and we enjoyed our date.

for awhile, i was seriously considering going after marissa. she was very pretty, intelligent (a u.p. graduate), drove her own car, and was fun to be with. but i knew i had to make a choice then and there. if i went after marissa, it would be goodbye to any possibility of getting next to cris. i picked cris. (sorry, marissa. nothing personal or wrong about you. but to me, you were a friend. i wanted cris as my lover.)

3.cris is a lover

i considered cris my lover even before she knew i had any designs on her. the more i saw her, the more i wanted her. but i held back for about 4 years, because i felt that if i went after her, and she responded positively, i would end up marrying her. i didn't feel that i was quite ready to get married yet.

still, i couldn't just stay away from her. i started to invite her to my pad in makati, properly accompanied by marissa or one of our other friends, of course. though once in awhile, she trusted me enough to come by herself. i would prepare dinner for us, which impressed her cause she can't even fry an egg without it ending up in the trash can. i'd cook steaks, pork chops, salads, pasta.

once i even prepared kare-kare, without using a prepared mix. i toasted and ground the rice myself, so with the peanuts. it was reeally good, but i found it too tiring and i've never done it again.

they would bring dessert, usually a cake or ice cream. we'd listen to music and just talk.

then, she got a scholarship to go to japan for 6 months to study computer technology. in order to get ready, she had to take a nippongo course. after her class, i would pick her up at about 9pm, and bring her home.

having travelled myself, i told her about my travels so that she might be able to pick up tips and techniques she might find useful in japan. i doubt she ever did because cris isn't the sort of person to resort to the tricks i used in my travels. but anyway, it served to impress her about my worldliness. at least, that's what i hoped.

graduating from advice about make-up and fashion, i began to advise her about dating and relationships with men. cris had this old-fashioned idea that a nice girl only went out with men she was serious about. i asked her how she knew who she should to be serious about unless she met other men first. it was a take on the old adage, 'to find your prince charming, you have to kiss a lot of frogs first.' i told her she would only be able to pick the right person to get married to, if she had a good basis for comparison.

i was taking a chance right there because if she went out with a lot of guys, she might find one better than me. but as i said, mayabang ako. and if she did find someone better than me, i would definitely give her my blessings because that would be a rare bird indeed.

before she left, i gave her a teddy bear to keep her company, cause that was the one thing she was worried about; that she would be on her own in japan. we must have written each other while she was away, but i don't really remember. i don't have any letters in my files, and she's never shown me one she had received from me while she was abroad.

when she came back after 6 months, she was a bit different. i wasn't surprised because travel will usually mature you in many ways. she told me about her adventures, even her dates with guys, which of course, didn't please me at all, despite all my advice to her. on my part, i hadn't been exactly living a chaste existance, so i couldn't complain.

it wasn't until i had my 35th birthday that i decided it was time to get married, and i only had cris in mind. sayang siya. baka maunahan pa ako.

one day in october 1985, we decided to go out as a twosome with lilet, a housemate of hers, who was celebrating her birthday, and ac, a guy who was kinda sweet on lilet. the legend was we would chaperone them because it was to be their first date. we went to the billboard bar on makati ave (don't bother looking for it now. it's long gone.) since it was still early, we had the place practically to ourselves.

a few minutes after entering the place, ac took lilet to the farthest corner of the disco and talked to her earnestly. she asked, 'so, what shall we do?' i said, 'we'll talk too.' she goes, 'about what?' i couldn't believe she had no idea of my interest in her. i said, 'about us, of course.' she's shocked, 'about us??? what do you mean?' plain and simple, i said, 'will you be my girlfriend?'

coming from where she was, you can imagine what a long and puzzling conversation we had. puzzling, on her part; frustrating on mine. why couldn't she accept that i was interested in her as more than just a friend. i'll spare you the burden of knowing what we said to each other. enough for you to know that she was surprised, confused, incredulous, bothered, and bewildered.

i felt i had to really press the issue. if i gave her too much time to think about it, there was a good chance she would come to her senses and turn me down. i told her i was giving her 10 days to think about it. if she accepted me, great. if she rejected me, i would be out of her life forever. she would never see me again. knowing my history of changing jobs as easily as i changed my clothes, she believed i would do it too. i'd get back to her after that to find what her answer was. 'yes' or 'no', that's all i wanted to hear.

she couldn't totally take in everything that was happening. we started out the evening as friends, chaperoning a couple of other friends. now, here i was, supposedly one of her best friends, giving her just 10 days to decide whether or not to enter into a serious relationship with me.

and where did i get the 10 days grace period from? well, i remembered that my father courted my mother in 11 days, after which she completely fell for him. if he could do that, 16 years the senior of my mom, a widowed military man with 10 legal children, i felt i could do it too to someone 11 years my junior. besides, i really didn't want to give cris the luxury of time. i've always believed speed in offense will win the day.

but i'm sure you're dying to know how cris is as a real lover. well, 6 children should be enough proof. and i have to say, it wasn't always me making the first move.

4.cris is a wife

we were married on 3 mar 1986. we wanted a small, private wedding, so we scheduled the ceremony at 8am, at the u.p. chapel, which i had always liked. it was a monday morning, so we didn't expect a lot of officemates to show up, especially since we only gave them about a week's notice, and edsa 1 was in full swing, shutting down edsa. but a lot of people made it, which was a very pleasant surprise for cris and i. it always surprises me when i'm shown proof that people actually like me. probably because i know myself too well.

frank, sgv principal and ceo of i/act. was there. so was fides and her husband, benjie. bonnie margaret and her husband, mon, came with my good friend ime (i knew she wouldn't miss this affair), lilet, and many others. my mom and my brothers were all present, with their girlfriends at the time. cris' mom and sisters were there with their husbands and children. our extended families were in attendance too.

we had the reception at my uncle toots' garden in his house in magdalena rolling hills, just off broadway st. it was great because the presidential table was set under a huge mango tree which had lots of tiny flowering butterfly orchids. my aunt, tita fely, was pleasantly surprised at the flowers because she said they only came out once a year, and they decided to come out exactly at our reception.

it was a wonderful and most meaningful wedding.

when we started out, i would do the marketing with cris trailing behind me. she didn't want the market vendors talking to her, mistaking her for the one responsible for the marketing. she let me pick the meat and the veggies.

back home, i'd cook the meals. she would wash the dishes. i hated cleaning the house, so she did it. i didn't like washing clothes either, and didn't want her doing it, so we'd bring our dirty clothes to my mom's house so the help could launder and iron them for us.

over the years, cris has been very supportive of me. i made her practice her driving, tho she wasn't that excited about it. we had a 20-year old mercedes benz, the only car we could afford. before she felt she was ready to drive on her own, i was assigned to bangladesh for 2 months, so she had to manage by herself, while nursing our child. when i came back, she picked me up at the naia, driving the car. cool!

while i was gone, cris had to arrange for the purchase of my former pad from the owners. she had to go through the hassle of making sure the papers were okay, of arranging for a loan, and for getting the title transferred to us.

when we had to do a major renovation of the house 4 years after we bought it, i had to leave for another project abroad for 4 months. cris had to oversee the renovations while living in the construction site itself. i came back, the renovations were 95% done, and cris vowed she would never go through that again.

yet, she did go through it one more time, but this time, i had the good sense to stay at home. i didn't want to test the limits of her patience.

5.cris is a cheerleader

in business, i've been a ... how can i say this diplomatically... an abject failure. i've entered into so many different ventures and have lost a bundle. in between, and after i left sgv, i worked for a few more companies, but i never did well, because i never learned to get on well with my superiors. i've done i.t. consulting with mixed results. i'd do well in one project only to fail in the next.

yet, cris was always there ready to support me, giving me advice when i asked for it, helping me figure out the finances of my ventures. of course, after a while she quit doing the numbers because she saw they were hopeless.

cris had to bear the brunt of my business and employment failures. it came to the point where she told me to just stay at home because when i worked, i'd come home irritable and quarrel with everyone in the house. she preferred that i stay with the children cause i knew how to play with them.

we used to really quarrel quite a bit until she decided that having me as a husband and father of our children was more important to her than my making millions. on my part, i mellowed down, for how can you not, given such obvious love and devotion from your wife. i'm a much nicer person because of cris.

6.cris is a doctor

ever since we started our family, cris has been the doctor of the house. she remembers all the instructions of the doctors we consult with. she even understands what they say, which is something i could never do. (everytime i listen to a doctor, i feel like an alien who has just arrived from the planet pluto.) she knows what medications to give to the children for what illness, even before she calls up matett, our pediatrician friend. she's even apt to offer medical advice to our friends, which always makes me cringe, until i remember she'll never be slapped a malpractice suit cause she's not a licensed doctor anyway.

you've already read in my previous blog posts how she has been nurse and doctor to me in my condition. without her, i will say without exaggeration, that i would probably be a wasted relic by now.

she makes sure my supply of medication is adequate. she sorts out the various pills and capsules i have to take after every breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and sometimes, in between. she (blush! blush!) administers the enema i need to have.

and when i feel down, she lifts up my spirits. she never shows she's bothered about my illness. no matter what the doctors say about my condition, she gives me a happy smile and tells me, 'you're fine. you're ok.' i say she's the best human doctor i can have.

this blog post is my birthday surprise for cris. it is my first blog i did not let her edit.

happy birthday, dear. thanks for your patience, your simplicity, your humility, and your love.


yoyo update clarification

i think my last yoyo update got a lot of you worried about me, specially the part about the mean average lifetime of 5.67 months.

i've known about that statistic since i got out of the hospital, or something close to it. it's nothing new. it's a statistic. don't let it worry you. it wasn't my intention to do that; i was just saying that's what i got from the web.

just keep on praying for me and for everyone you love.

The beginning of the rest of my life

11 days, countless bouts of incredicle pain, 1 major operation, several tests, 1 less kidney, innumerable pledges of support and prayers, and a few realizations later, I'm back home. It has been a personal journey for me, with Cris constantly by my side.
I do not wish to speak of the pain I felt, for there was considerable pain. Perhaps it will be enough to say that simply being able to urinate was such a relief that it brought tears of joy. Fear was a constant that was blotted out by the pain. Even the fear of a major operation was unable to dampen my hoped for release from pain.
I've lost one kidney, but doctors say we are able to live well with just one, if we take good care of it. I plan to.
The tests aren't over yet. We're still awaiting the results of other tests. This time, there is no pain to make me forget the fear, so it is there. Something I will have to learn to live with and deal with.
Now, for the more important realizations I've had during this journey.
Realization #1: We are not indestructible.
Since my youth, I have played games with my health believing that I would overcome all possible illnesses, recuperate from the wear and tear I placed on myself, and rebuild any damage I sustained. Now the lesson has been driven home painfully and frighteningly – Superman comes from Krypton; we are of the planet earth, without superpowers, subject to the frailties of our humanity.
I will not advise against vices, for I did get some pleasure out of them, but I will advice caution and judiciousness. Vices require us to pay a price, the very least of which is to regularly seek medical advice. When the doctors tell us it's time to pay the price for our 'good times', then do so readily and wholeheartedly. Nothing is free in this world, except God's grace.
Realization #2: Our time on earth is limited.
This is a corollary to #1. Early in my life, books I read taught me to live as if everyday were the last day of my life. In this way, we would value every minute of our time and use the minutes wisely. It is a lesson I thought I learned well, but now realize, never really did. I spent too much time on careless pursuits. Today I find so many things left undone, so many lessons not learned, and lessons learned but never shared, so many people left unaided or uncared for, and much love left ungiven.
Value your time. There's too little of it to squander. Learn what you want to. Live your dreams. And most of all, share your life. Every life you enrich, enriches your own.
Realization #3: No matter what we think of ourselves, there are people who truly love us.
It does not matter much whether we are rich or poor, wise or foolish, good-looking or plain, people will love us despite our faults and shortcomings. I never considered myself as extraordinarily caring, or friendly, or helpful. In fact, many times I have been mean and hurtful to friends. Yet the outpouring of support Cris and I have received during this trial in our life together has shaken me. People do care for me, not because of what I am, but because of who they are.
I am humbled. Thank you.
Realization #4: Never take the love of a good woman or a good man, for granted.
For the same unknown reasons that people care for me, my wife Cris loves me. She has been by my side from the day we first went to the hospital and has taken care of me most lovingly and patiently. Her patience was greatly tested by my irritability especially right after the operation. I would ask her to raise the head of my hospital bed, and in the next instant, tell her to lower it. I asked her to massage by back first, gently, then, more vigorously, only to shout at her when her touch would trigger pain in my wound. She asked for prayers when I could not, or would not. (Remember, I did not think anyone would care enough for me to pray, except my close family and a few friends.) She would fetch things for me and even emptied my urinal when the nurses were not around.
To put things into perspective, Cris until recently, efficiently headed an ATM consortium. She is currently a highly-valued consultant for a conglomerate. Her advice is much sought-after and heeded, by presidents and top officials of banks and other companies. She has proven herself a success in her chosen field.
Yet, she has also chosen to serve me with great concern and humility. If that isn't love, then it doesn't exist. And I can only respond with a simple, heartfelt, “I love you too, Cris.”
Realization #5: Prayers live out our faith.
During this time, I realized that prayers for others is a concrete realization of Christ's second commandment to love others as you love yourself. But unless one truly believes in God and in His love for us, our prayers lack faith and strength, and therefore will not be effective. So before we get to the second commandment, we must first live the first which is to love the Lord with all heart, with all our mind, with all our soul, and with all our strength. Your prayers for me have been effective, and so I know you live the two greatest commandments of God.
Please continue to pray for me, as we should pray for one another, for we all need prayers in our lives. I can think of nothing in our mundane, everyday lives that allows us to give glory and praise to our Father than our prayers for each other.
Realization #6: God is life.
Faith in God saves us. Being saved is not living forever, nor is it living without fear, or pain, or hardships. Being saved is being reunited with God. Faith will bring us there.
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Next week, the doctors will discuss the results of the biopsy of my kidney's mass with us. They've already warned us that the mass is most likely to be malignant. The results of the bone scan showed 'occult' traces of cancer cells. We've been asked to shop around for an oncologist.
There is fear and anxiety, but also faith and hope.
This journey of mine will go on. With Cris. With our children. With our extended family. With our friends. And with God.
Let us be thankful for the time we have together, and let us rejoice in our lives!