in and out of lions' dens

my right lower leg, from below the knee to the ankle, has been swollen from may 2010. some of you may know that i suffered 3rd degree burns in that leg in 1978, and the area has been susceptible to some discomfort when i stand in one place for long periods of time, say 10 minutes. it was traumatized when i participated in our ppcrv in the 2010 national elections, when i had to go up and down 4 floors in 3 different schools, checking on the election proceedings.

dr jimmy gave me some supplements for the blood clots, but the swelling didn't subside. i guess because i never slowed down my activities, and went on as if i was a 30-year old.

anyway, my leg started to get tiny cuts because the skin was stretched tight. there was some secretion of blood and something else. cris was really worried and kept asking me to see a cardiologist, because dr jimmy did say i had leaky heart valves and blood clots. i kept resisting because of the lions.

you know the lions? ferocious animals that stand square in front of you, and stare you down. when they have you sufficiently paralyzed with fear, they pounce, leaving you like humpty dumpty, in a hundred tattered pieces, with no one to put you back together again. that's how i see regular doctors, lions.

but you can never run away from a determined woman. sooner or later, they wear you down. so after a month of cris' constant, uhmmm, insisting, i gave in and agreed to see a cardio, who would prescribe tests to be done.

on nov 26, cris and i walk into the cardio's office. seems like a pleasant enough young lady, until she responded to my english greeting, in tagalog, which rang my warning bells. this usually means one of two things.

first, they answer me in tagalog because they can't speak english fluently. if i think that's the case, i'm cool with it. pilipino naman ako, kaya mag salita tayo sa ating sariling wika. but since this lady was a medical doctor, with an office in makati med, the first scenario couldn't be true.

the second scenario, scares me especially with doctors. they don't think you can understand the english they speak because they're doctors. that puts me in a disadvantage already. even more worrisome, is that they want to make sure you understand them because it's a matter of life and death. your life; your death.

the cardio starts off with (in pilipino), "i'm not going to inspect your leg just yet. i just want to ask some questions to get some background information." you can hear the unspoken addendum, "there are no right or wrong answers here, but God help you if you say the wrong thing."

• "how long has your leg been swollen?" since may.
• "are you diabetic?" cris: "not really. he has elevated fasting blood sugar levels though. or did, when he had his radical nephrectomy."
• "do you have a heart condition?" me: "no." i didn't feel like telling her about the leaky heart valves and blood clots. one, let her diagnose me herself. two, she'll never believe me when i tell her how dr jimmy diagnosed it.
• "do you smoke?" me: "no." cris: "he did, until the operation. before that, he didn't just smoke cigarettes. he smoked cigars and unfiltered cigarettes." me: rolling of my eyes. trust my wife to give more information than is necessary.
• "have you gone back to your (kidney doctor)?" me: "no."
• "no? why not?" me: (shrug of the shoulders.)
• "are you taking any medication?" me: "medication as in medicines? no." and i start thinking, "uh-oh. here we go". cris: "he is very committed to his alternative medicine treatment. he diets and takes food supplements. i had to really convince him to come and have tests done."
• "oh? what supplements do you take?" cris and i look at each other. we have this small joke about how very appropriate the names of my supplements are. 'heart valve" for my leaky valves; "clot" for my blood clots. "heart ease" to strengthen my heart. and so on and so forth. me: "just herbal supplements."
• "what herbal supplements? can you bring them next time? and any literature you have." me, thinking only. "literature? you think this stuff is made by astra or novartis or smith-kline? you want to see the supplements? would you understand the ingredients?" obviously, i'm starting to get irritated.

then, she says, "ok, can i see your leg?" and i lift my right leg on cris' chair, pull up my pants, and let her start poking around.

"oh, it has tiny wounds already. and there is some secretion. and it's hot to the touch, which normally means there's considerable infection. could you lie down? i'd like to check it out closer." and i know, this is not going to be good for me.

finally, she tells me to sit up and blasts me, "you know? i'd like to have you confined right away, for about 3 days." there you go. lions. they try to get you every time.

me: "uh-uhh. nope, i don't think so. no way."

cris, ever the reasonable one, asks: "why do you want him confined?"

cardio: "i'd like to give him antibiotics via an iv. then, have a vascular surgeon run some tests for a blood clot. and we can have the leg debris-fied (or, in simple words, clean up the dead skin of the leg)."

me: "oh, i see. no, thanks."

cardio: "well, having anticipated your answer, i will now prescribe an anti-biotic i would like you to take orally."

me (showing a bit of reasonableness): "fine."

while she writes out the prescription, she also mentions some tests she wants done – Doppler ultrasound on my leg, 2d echo, ecq, fbs, blood chemistry. to which cris adds her 2 cents: "urine and stool?"

cardio: "i will still recommend you see a vascular surgeon just to get his opinion. and your kidney doctor to check on your diabetes."

by this time, she had got me scared shitless, what with her diabetes and blood clots and her heart condition, and my need for a vascular surgeon and my diabetes doctor. i hate being scared especially about my health. so, as usual, cris had to bear the brunt of my anger as soon as we left the doctor's office.

me: "so, what did we learn that we didn't already know going in? dr jimmy already said i had blood clots, and how many, and where they are. we already knew i had venous thrombosis (that's my swollen leg). so now, i have to go through more tests to tell me the same things we already know?"

cris, as always patient and reasonable: "let's just get the tests done, then we'll have confirmation of dr jimmy's diagnosis."

me: "i don't need confirmation! i already know."

but because cris is who she is as a person, and what she is to me, i finally relent. we get the authorizations for my tests. and later on, using my senior citizen privileges for the first time, i buy my antibiotics. by that time, i was sufficiently calmed down so that cris didn't have to accompany me to make sure i bought them.

the next monday, she drops off my urine and stool samples. tuesday, we go for my 2d echo. cris goes to the hospital 2 hours before i have to be there to make sure i have a firm appointment and so i don't have to wait too long. she was probably worried i'd get impatient and walk out of the test.

15 minutes after i get there, the technician comes for me. we enter a fairly large bare room, containing the ultra-sound machine, a cot, and small desk and 2 chairs. as is the standard practice, the lighting is dim (what is it they don't want to see, or they don't want you to see clearly? they're not going to allow you to sleep, anyway). the aircon is close to freezing.

she starts the probing. the machine emits its blurbs, beeps, pings, and ga-zhoos, ga-zhoos (i realize this last is the sound of my blood rushing thru my veins). this goes on for a minute or two.

then, another person comes in, says a soft, "good morning" and joins the technician . must be a doctor cause she's got a white gown on while the nurse is dressed in blue scrubs. she sits beside the technician, and they talk in low, subdued tones, just enough for you to know they're talking, but no loud enough for you to make out what they're saying. and you know they're talking about you while the machines goes, "ping. ga-zhoos, ga-zhoos. blurp. ping. ga-zhoos, ga-zhoos."

then, it's over. you dress up and leave. now, you start your wait for the results on tenterhooks. they work hard looking for something wrong with you.

two days later, with all the tests done, we go see the vascular surgeon. the results are encouraging. no clots found in my right leg. fbs is normal.

the surgeon is an elderly, but energetic man about my age or a little older. he's friendly and very informal. i like him immediately.

he checks out my leg, which has noticeably improved because of the antibiotics i've been taking. he prescribes medication i have to take for a month, and some exercises for my right leg. he knows that my leg hurts when i stand in one place for some time, and that the pain subsides when i walk around. he says walking is good because it makes the blood circulate. standing still or sitting down does not force circulation, so i need to do the exercise while i'm on the computer or when i'm reading. he also advises me to keep my leg up when seated.

he asks me how i take care of my leg and i tell him i wash it with soap and water, then apply bactroban to the wounds. when the leg itches, i massage it with coconut oil. he says i already know how to care for my leg, except he wants me to use petroleum jelly instead of coconut oil. grist for the pharma industry.

after the surgeon, we go see my cardio. as i expected, she found something negative in my test results. they normally do, no matter how good your test results are.

she's satisfied with the doppler test on my leg showing i don't have any blood clots in my right leg. my 3-month sugar level average is in the normal range but my fbs is elevated. so, as expected, that's what she zeroes in on. not that my 3-month level is normal but that my fbs level on the day i had my blood test, is kinda high.

since she can't get a hold of anything specific on me, she wants me to repeat the blood test in 2 weeks and go back to her, and to see my kidney doctor, because i have slightly high creatinine and have only 1 kidney left. then, she subscribes metformin. i say i don't like taking medicine, so she says it's up to me, but she'll prescribe it in case i change my mind.

a week later, i see my kidney doctor, a young, pleasant guy. at first, he cannot place me. i tell him i had my right kidney removed a year ago. he asks how i am. i tell him, i'm good. he asks, why i'm seeing him then. i tell him, it's my wife. she's worried about my creatinine level. she insisted i come see him.

that's when his memory kicks in. he remembers cris, sight unseen. he asks me what treatment i've had for my cancer, though he doesn't mention the dreaded "c" word. i tell him i'm on alternative medicine, basically dieting. i explain that since renal cancer didn't respond to radiation or chemotherapy, and medications would only extend my life, not cure the cancer, i made a decision to go with alternative medicine.

he says that removing the tumor would work. i said that's what i did. he said, "yeah, but didn't they find traces after the operation?"

me: "and that's what i needed alternative medicine for."

he looked at the results of my blood and specimen tests, and pronounced them very good. he told me to tell cris that an elevated creatinine level and higher that normal fbs results are to be expected when the patient has only 1 kidney. otherwise, i'm good. the reason for alarm with my cardio (having only 1 kidney), is the same reason why my kidney doctor is comfortable with my creatinine and fbs levels.

just to be on the safe side (and to keep the medical system rolling merrily along), my kidney doctor told me to have an x-ray and an ultra-sound for my abdominal cavity area, which i dutifully did, with cris right behind me.

another week later, i'm waiting for my cardio to pronounce judgment over me. i've seen the x-ray, fbs, and ultra-sound test results, and everything's ok with me. as the results say, unremarkable, which i take it is remarkably good for someone my age, having been through what i have.

these tests confirm the magic diagnosis that dr jimmy makes. the 2d echo says i have mild mitral regurgitation, which is consistent with my leaky heart valves dr jimmy said i had. the fact that it's mild is probably because i'm on the last leg of my alternative medicine treatment for that. i have no clots in my right leg, again, probably because i've been taking my supplements. my aorta is athroscerotic, which is probably connected with the thick blood dr jimmy diagnosed.

i'm glad i consulted with dr jimmy before taking these tests, or the doctors would probably have given me a heart operation, a venous surgery, and whatever bloody procedure they dream up. as it is, they're catching the tail-end of my defects.

it's nice to know that on God's green earth, there are many wondrous things, including alternative medicine and traditional medicine. they have their uses. we only have select whatever fits your needs.

they will all work in varying degrees. especially when you're comfortable with the treatment and believe in it. i don't believe fear helps at all, other than to make sure you follow your doctors' orders. but if they explain how their treatment works and it sounds logical to you, i don't see why you wouldn't follow it.

hang on a minute. my appointment with the cardio's up.

i was finishing this update while waiting for the cardio. she looked at all the good test results, and focused on the one result that was not perfect. my fbs reading was 110.48. maximum normal is 110. and she goes, "i'm really concerned about your fbs level. but you're taking the metformin i prescribed, right?"

wrong! "no, i'm not."

shocked! "why not?!!"

"i'm into alternative medicine, remember?"

"well, there's nothing i can do for you anymore then, if you won't listen to my advice. cardio-wise, there's nothing wrong with you. the rest is between your kidney doctor, your vascular surgeon, and you. good'bye!"

and she flipped me off. well, maybe not quite, but that's the feeling i got. no problem. i hope i never have to see her again.

and that's life as benjie after 60, looking for help anywhere, and generally finding it with the grace of God.

oh, a merry christmas to all, and to all a happy new year!

How I spend my day, Part 1

this post is for chris h, who lives in either ny city or jersey. (what's the diff?) at the start of my illness when i decided on alt med for my healing treatment, he shared with me his mom's story; how she was diagnosed for cancer when she was living in the u.s., how she got the best care from expert doctors bec his sister is also a doctor and they have a code of taking care of their own, how they kept trying different chemo drugs on her but her condition continued to deteriorate, until finally she died, suffering discomfort and pain. today, two sisters are treating themselves with alt med diets with positive and encouraging results.

the fact that this post is being uploaded today and not at a later date when i am more comfortable with it, is because of loy a's email asking about my diet, his wife has breast cancer and is undergoing traditional chemotherapy treatments. as i have said, any treatment should be able to cure us, as long as we believe that God is our Healer, and everyone else are His instruments. still, for what it's worth, i continue to espouse my alt med protocol.

there have also been a number of you who have asked about the protocol i'm following. i've given you teasers here and there of how my treatment goes, but here i will reveal all the dirty details. (as they say in the tabloids.) i've heard people say, 'what??!! raw pancreas? how can you eat that stuff.' it's not that difficult because it's not a delicacy; it's medicine for me.

i've also been asked, 'is eating any raw meat safe? what about bacteria?' in this update, i will explain to you why it's safe to eat the stuff i eat.

before i proceed, i must pay homage to the 2 persons at home who provide indispensable help in my treatments. there's melds, our cook, and former yaya of our eldest son, alfonso. she's been with cris and me since a week after we got married. she left us 9 years ago to start a family, but she came back 3 years later, with her family. melds buys food for us from the wet market and prepares my meals.

the other of course, is cris. she does two important things for me. she purchases my medicines, and pays for them, then sorts them out in these little pill boxes for my breakfast, lunch, and supper. the other thing she does, you'll soon find out.

without melds and cris, i would really have a very difficult time in following my protocol. i'm alive today because of their help.

now, tighten your seat belts for the ride. some of you might have tender sensibilities, so you're allowed to get off anytime you want. away we go.

i wake up everyday at around 4 or 5am. the actual time depends on whether i have to do things later in the day such as work a bit, or take the children to school and fetch them, or attend to my service in the parish, or something other than curing myself.

every 3 or 4 days, i try to keep track of my fasting blood sugar (fbs), so the first thing i do upon waking is to prick one of my fingers, get a drop of blood, and test it. the other time, it was 87, which was good considering the cheating on my food diet i've been doing these past celebratory weeks. the tests takes about 5 mins.

then, i do a bit of stretching exercise to ease the chronic pain in my lower back. dr jimmy taught me to bend over with my knees straight, slowly circling my arms, until gravity pulls my fingers down to the floor. i stay that way for about 20 – 30 seconds, then sit on my haunches before straightening up. i mustn't stand straight up from the bent-over position for it puts a strain on my back muscles. i can now touch the floor with my 2nd knuckles, and stay that way for up to 30 secs. not bad, huh?

after that, i take my first raw pork pancreas (rpp) serving for the day. i eat it with a clove of raw, crushed garlic, seasoning the rpp with natural rock salt, a bit of soy sauce, and chili flakes. eating this takes about 10 – 15 mins. if you ever need a quick 'waker-upper', try chewing on raw garlic and eating chili flakes upon getting up.

food preparation 101. first the rock salt. the salt i take cannot be the iodized table salt. according to dr jimmy, natural iodized salt is a redundancy. natural salt has all the necessary minerals for human consumption, including iodine. it's processed salt that needs iodine. and i can't take any processed food because of the chemicals added to them. they usually have carcinogenic food preservatives.

how do you know it's processed salt? take a small amount, drop it into water, hot or cold, it doesn't matter, and stir it. you will see the undissolved crystals.

but a word of warning. table salt isn't the only thing that's processed these days. they now produce processed rock salt. so always test the salt you're using. i just learned this morning that natural salt is no longer available in the wet market close to our house. the makati health services under the guidance of the the dept of health, has banned them. now, i'll have to look farther away to source my natural salt. i can always buy sea salt from the health food stores, but they cost a bundle. besides, why should i when the phils is a country of 7,000 islands, all surrounded by sea water? oh, for those who can afford expensive stuff, the other name for rock salt is sea salt. changing the name ups the price many times over.

the water i drink. we used to buy processed water. you know the kind that is filtered, reverse-osmosisfied (a new word i coined), and processed? they're supposed to be free of dirt and contaminants. well, they're also free of the minerals the body needs.

the rationale again of natural healing is that water naturally attracts minerals to itself. when the water is processed and stripped of its minerals, once it enters our bodies, it gathers the minerals in us and passes them out in our urine. we are left with too little of the minerals we need.

we now drink nawasa water. eeuukk! you say? well, first we filter it with a very good filter that takes away the dirt and contaminants, but not the natural minerals. i can't tell you the brand since i'm not getting anything to advertise them anyway. but it's german (or one of the nordic countries) and not too expensive. to take away the chlorine, we just leave the water standing in an open container for at least 30 minutes for the chlorine to evaporate. so then, we're drinking mineral water.

if i buy bottled water outside, i choose the mineral water. there are only 2 or 3 brands around. one of them is evian, which must be the most expensive water in the world, aside from perrier. (is perrier mineral or distilled?) i've only taken evian once, when ate nonette gave me a bottle, courtesy of the airlines she flies in. sosy, my aunt, no?

melds buys the raw pork pancreas (lapay) and raw beef liver(atay) from the wet market early in the morning to make sure it's from freshly slaughtered animals. she washes them well to remove grime and dirt. then soaks them for 10 – 15 mins in a small basin of mineral water with a cup of rock salt. she then wipes them off with a paper towel, wraps them individually in aluminum foil and places them in the freezer.

when it's time to eat them, we take a piece out of the freezer and chop off the portion i'm to take. it's 2 tablespoons of raw pork pancreas for every serving; and 3 tablespoons of raw beef liver. the crushed raw garlic i eat with the raw pancreas contains allicin which kills bacteria. with the proper preparation and cleaning, and the raw garlic, i'm safe from germs and bacteria. the only thing i have to watch out for are the bits of aluminum foil that cling to the frozen pancreas. they can stick to the space between my teeth, or worse get swallowed. i don't think my gastric juices are able to dissolve aluminum foil. i'd hate to have glitter in my stool.

here's the alt med rationale for the raw pork pancreas and the raw beef liver. according to dr william kelley, whose metabolic medicine protocol dr jimmy follows, we all produce cancer cells. they are a natural part of our body’s cell repair and regeneration, though they mutate to become killer cells. normally, our digestive enzymes and immune system are strong enough to kill these mutated cells so they don't do our bodies any harm. it's when our organs lose their effectiveness that we get into trouble. our pancreas may no longer produce enough enzymes, or the enzymes produced aren't potent enough to digest the mutated cells, and/or our natural killer cells are too few or too ineffective and thus unable to kill the cancer cells; either because the pathways are clogged or we're not getting enough nutrients from the food we eat.

cancer cells are born from germ cells or stem cells which are spread throughout our body to aid in cell repair and regeneration. germ cells are activated when a part of the body has had tissue damaged and needs to be repaired. cancer cells are activated germ cells gone awry – their cells are like placenta that grew outside the womb. similar to the placenta (i.e. the baby’s source of nutrition inside the mother’s womb), the cells multiply and grow very fast, and are self-sustaining, getting their food directly from the blood stream. cancer cells are wrapped in a protein-based cover which has negative ions, similar to the natural killer cells, thus, they are not detected by the body and identified as “enemy cells”, and continue to grow unhampered and largely undetected. the protein cover is very difficult to strip off unless you have sufficient potent enzymes.

a healthy pancreas produces enough enzymes to digest the food in the stomach, as well as travel through the blood stream to reach other parts of our body where they search for and digest excess/abnormal proteins. when they strip the protein cover off the cancer cells, the immune system within us targets them for elimination by the natural killer cells.

my pancreas doesn't produce enough potent enzymes so i need the pork pancreas which is loaded with live enzymes. how did my pancreas become so inefficient? too much rich fatty foods, and not enough vitamins from green leafy vegetables. and sometimes, even if we eat the right foods, we tend to overcook them such that their natural enzymes are killed off.

a healthy immune system produces natural killer cells which are potent (as opposed to lazy and ineffective). mine no longer is. that's where the raw beef liver comes in. raw beef liver is a rich source of nutrients, chock-full of vitamins, minerals, and other goodies our immune system needs. i'm sure you've all heard of athletes throwing together milk, yoghurt, celery sticks, tomato juice, and raw liver in a blender and drinking the concoction to give them strength and stamina. well, that's why i take the raw beef liver – it is a superfood for my immune system.

could i also take it blended? yeah, i suppose, but i'm used to eating and chewing it. you see, God did a wonderful job of preparing me for so many things in my protocol. He taught me to love strange, exotic foods early on. here's a favorite story, but if you're a rabid animal lover or possess a queasy stomach, maybe you better skip it and just go to the last paragraph.

when i was 7 years old, my uncle totoy or toots, as i called him, took me to his farm in the province. (i already lived in the province, but in the capital town. he took me to the boondocks, about 3 hrs drive away in those days.) it was a fiesta and since he was the rich landowner in the place, he had people all over the farm slaughtering pigs and chickens and goats and cooking them. one item that was never absent in his preparations was dog meat, THE local delicacy.

they butchered the dog by (close your ears if you can't stand 'cruelty' to animals.) tying it securely to a bamboo pole. with a sharp knife, they made a deep gash in it's throat, and caught the warm blood in a bowl. they transferred some of the blood in a glass and mixed in some gin so it wouldn't coagulate very quickly. as is the custom, they offer it to the big man around, my uncle totoy.

he looks at me, smiles, and says, 'give it to my nephew. let him drink it.' so all the guys around looked at me and smiled at the thought of a 7-year old child drinking the concoction, the man who had the glass of blood offered it to me. i looked at my uncle, and he told me to drink it so i'd grow up to be a brave man. i realized then that it was a rite of manhood. everyone expected me to turn it down, but half-hoped, for the sake of my uncle, that i wouldn't. when i hesitated, they said i had better drink it quickly before the blood turned cold and hardened.

i wanted to be brave, and i desperately wanted their approval. most of all, i wanted my uncle's approval. i took the glass of blood and drained it down in one go. the gin improved the taste of warm blood. that whole day, i strutted around like the cock on the walk, pleased with myself for what i had done. i ate anything they placed in front of me – pig's intestines & entrails cooked in blood (dinuguan), raw goat's and dog's meat (kilawin), animal brain made into an omelet, anything.

in my later years, i would eat balut, raw fish (kinilaw or sashimi, sushi), frog's legs, grasshoppers, beetles, freshly-caught eels, raw eggs chickens and birds, and fried ants and ant eggs. my mother herself, bless her soul, introduced me to two filipino delicacies; pampanga's camarro, which is fried larvae dug up from the ground, then deep fried, and the ilocos region's jumping salad. that's raw shrimp soaked in vinegar with salt, chopped garlic, and red and green chillies. why 'jumping'? because they're alive and they hop around in the deep dish they are served in. you put them in your mouth and feel them squirming inside before you chomp down on them with your molars and taste their sweet juicy flesh. hmm, delicious!

raw pork pancreas and raw beef liver? bring them on!

that's part 1 of this post, and we've only reached my first serving of raw pork pancreas. we still haven't even gotten to breakfast yet. as larry henares says, 'more tomorrow.'

Fellow travelers on different pathways

at the beginning of this journey, ate aiding asked me whether i had heard the recording of randy pausch's 'the last lecture'. i had heard a lot about it, of course. since it was a cause celebre among professors, teachers, and even seminar facilitators. i guess everyone looked up to him as an exemplary educator and a person living his last days to the fullest, asking for neither special consideration, much less pity, from the people around him.

actually, i didn't read randy's lecture until just a few weeks ago. one of the reasons it didn't appeal to me before i got sick, was that i knew it was grounded on his dying of an incurable disease. although i loved to boast that i wasn't afraid of dying because of 'encounters with a yaqui indian' or more popularly known as 'don juan', carlos castaneda's experiences with a peyote-imbibing mexican sorcerer, and because of my Catholic faith. (how can you fear dying when it only means being reunited with the God you swear you love with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. those two factors taught me to accept death as a constant companion. yet truth to tell, i never wanted to turn to him and face him squarely in the face. i kept him at bay, beside me, but only in the periphery of my vision. so randy's lecture was not as inviting to me as it was to others.

when i finally gave in to ate aiding's urging and downloaded a copy of randy's 'the last lecture', i felt a distant closeness to him. 'distant' because i never knew him, yet close because of connections i saw between us.

obviously, we shared the same illness, tho he had pancreatic cancer, the most lethal of cancers, while i had renal cancer.

i didn't major in computer science because the course didn't exist in the phils when i was in college, but i did go into computer programming.

he was a professor, and i did some sort of teaching. he loved stuffed animals, and so did i: stuffed squid, lechon with paella stuffing, rellenong bangus, chicken galantina.

and we both were able to make some childhood dreams come true. mine didn't result in anything as world-changing or consciousness-expanding like his did – floating in zero-gravity, making virtual reality a reality (or is it, realizing virtual reality? or making real virtual reality?), creating new courses that challenged students to learn simultaneously in diverse disciplines - but i got some of my own humble, selfish dreams done just the same.

my list of dreams included: 1) living in europe. done, 9 months in bonn, 4 years in madrid. 2) hitchhiking in europe. oh, very well done! 3) living out michener's 'the drifters' in spain, and to a degree, in morocco. de puta madre, tio! 4) coming home to do my little bit to end the marcos dictatorship. rallies in ayala, including one where i faced down a gun-toting marcos supporter, and the big one on edsa.

randy doled out some valuable pieces of advice: 'brick walls' (problems) allow us banner our dedication. 'don't bail', 'show gratitude', 'don't complain. just work harder.', 'be good at something', 'work hard.' and one i never really bothered with in my life, until lately, 'find the best in everybody.' amen. amen. and amen.

because i started feeling this affinity with him, i wanted to follow him on his journey from the first phases of his illness to the end. i looked for his story and found 'randy pausch's update page'.

http://download.srv.cs.cmu.edu/~pausch/news/index.html

his journey started in early sept 2006, when he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. he had a successful operation that removed all the tumor. he found a chemotherapy treatment that gave him a 45% chance of living up to 5 years. previously, his doctors had given him a 10%-20% chance of lasting that same length of time.

he went to houston from philadelphia for his chemotherapy that took 2 months, from nov to end dec 2006 . then another 5-month session back in philadelphia from late jan 2007 to end april 2007. after that, all indications were great for randy. he survived the chemo sessions with minimal discomfort, although he was fatigued for periods at a time.

may 2007 was a great time for randy. he had finished his chemotherapy treatment; his ct scan was clear and his ca19-9 tumor marker level was 9, which in his words, was 'well within the normal range'. he was well enough to resume his biking. he was able to play flag football with friends after a long absence, and that was only 6 days after finishing his chemo! he and jai even celebrated their 7th wedding anniversary with their children at a resort where he rode a zip line.

then at the end of may, he has an mri exam at john hopkins hospital and discovers a cyst and other lesions. his cancer is back. he has vaccine shots to arrest the growth of the tumors. his treatments take him till the end of july. he gets his last vaccine shot on 23 jul and expects to be back every 6 months for booster shots. he writes, 'Interestingly, this marks the last thing I can do to help myself, which is a little unnerving. I'm channeling that anxiety into starting to hit the gym with real vigor - building my body up in case there are more surgeries or chemo down the road....'

on 26 aug, he gets devastating news. a ct scan reveals he has 10 tumors in his liver and smaller ones in his spleen. the doctors estimate about 3 – 5 months of relatively good health left. after that, they have no way of telling how fast the cancer will progress, but they say it will not be a good way to go. he settles on pallative chemotherapy which will buy him a few more months, but the chances even of that are only 15% – 20%. There is no doubt about the diagnosis. in about a month's time, he will give his 'last lecture' in carnegie-mellon.

in the next months, he goes out of his way to enjoy his remaining days. he and his eldest son, dylan, take a 4-day father and son trip to orlando, florida. the entire pausch family celebrates halloween dressed as 'the incredibles'. in early november, randy and jai take a vacation on their own in virginia, and get to meet sting and the police at a concert. jai is a big police fan.

in the following months, the pallative chemotherapy works and keeps randy strong enough to receive the numerous awards he is granted. he is also commissioned by hyperion, the publishing arm of disney, to turn his 'last lecture' into a book. he works with the pancreatic cancer action network (PanCAN) to drum up funds from private donors and congress for research. he goes scuba diving in the cayman islands.

and most thrilling of all for randy, he is cast in the movie 'star trek: the future begins'. he has a very brief speaking part, but got to keep his own star trek uniform. how's that for making dreams come true?

in early march, randy receives a bit of good news and some bad news. the growth of his tumors seem to have been held in check. however, he has started to suffer from the side effects of his treatments. his chemo drugs have become too toxic for him. his kidneys are functioning at 50%; his blood pressure is up to 200/100. in addition, fluid is suspected in his abdomen which pushes against his lungs and heart, making it difficult for him to sleep on his back.

he is hospitalized and a needle tap is done to draw fluid from around his right lung. the fluid in his left lung is left to be treated with diuretics. he is very weak the whole month of march, but bounces back slightly in april, ready to do battle again.

then, good news! 'the last lecture' is launched and is an instant success. diane sawyer does a talk show on it. great stuff.

on 18 may, he and jai attend the carnegie mellon graduation. a couple of days later, he starts a new chemo treatment. a week later, he starts vomiting and has high fever. the chemo doesn't work. new drug combinations have to be tried.

on 26 jun, randy writes that he continues to recover, albeit very slowly. his ca19-9 level which started at 9 in jun 2007, then went to 94 in feb a year later, to 216 by the end of mar 2008, and then at 634 by mid-may, is now at 1400.

randy dies on 25 jul 2008. given 3 – 5 months to live 12 months earlier, he beats the odds. sadly though, he never reached his goal of 5 years.

my own journey started on 16 april, when i was hospitalized. on 23 apr, i had my radical nephrectomy. in simple terms, i had my right kidney removed because a mass had imploded causing me to piss blood. biopsy on the mass confirmed that it was a carcinoma.

a bone scan conducted previous to the operation, while i was waiting in the hospital for the urologists to arrive from a conference abroad and had really nothing to do, showed that the cancer had probably spread to my left lung and my right clavicle, down to my right arm. a subsequent ct scan showed the same thing. an mri done about 1-½ months later confirmed the bone scan and ct scan findings. the diagnosis was that my right bone structure had “osseous metastasis”. that's what traditional western medicine equipment said. traditional western medicine statistics said i had barely 6 months to live, maybe 2 years if i took the 'right' medicines.

when i consulted my alt med guide, he told me i did have slight traces of cancer cells in my left lung, but that the findings in my right upper bone structure was caused by osteoporosis, not by cancer, tho it had almost the same effect. my bone density was compromised and my bones were brittle; subject to fracture if i wasn't careful.

he said i could cure the cancer with his guidance. i could be free of cancer in 6 months my chances of success? 100% if i followed the protocol religiously. i couldn't help but like those odds. i liked it even more that he was giving me control of my treatment, my health, and my life. he spoke frankly saying that he woudn't be able to cure me. only i would be able to.

and you know about my conversations with God. He gave me the faith and the courage to make my choice of going with alternative medicine. 4 months on, i'm swimming 18 laps, i still drive myself around. (i'm not bed-ridden, nelia.) i function well. and hey! i look great at 160 lbs. my thick, wiry hair has even turned fine and soft. cris and nanay say it's because of my raw vegan diet.

if i had taken the 'gold standard path, i'd be down, net, about p500,000, be nauseous, feel weak, and really scared shitless, all thanks to the 'gold standard' drugs.

i don't mean to say that taking the western medicine path randy took is wrong for everyone, it's just not for me. but i do want to stress that my gratitude belongs more to God than to alternative medicine. He is the Healer.

i loved randy's 'last lecture'. he was intelligent, witty, informative, and above all, brave. yet it bothered me that in his whole lecture, not once did he mention God. his only reference to the spiritual was when he said at the start that he wouldn't talk about spirituality or religion, then joked about having a deathbed conversion and buying a mac.

even in his update page, the only mention of anything relating to God was after more tumors were found in his liver and was given only 5 more months of good health, he thanked carnegie-mellon, his church, his friends, and his family, in that order. even then, no mention of God.

i believe randy believed in God, but like most men of science, he seems to have believed in science more. he believed he had the best doctors in the world, and if you believe that you have 'the best doctors', then how can you look for other alternatives? science gave him 3 – 5 months of good health, and he believed. science told him chemotherapy is the best treatment available, and he believed. science said he had a 15% – 20% chance of lasting 5 years, and he believed. and you know what? what he believed came to pass.

i had a conversation recently with a friend of mine along the same line. the conversation went, 'we have very good doctors who have been taking care of us very well. but when the day comes that they tell us there is nothing more to be done, then we'll just have to give up.' it saddened me because when people say there is no longer any hope, that's when you should start to hope, simply because there is nothing left but giving up.

so, do i have any lessons learned? nothing nearly as profound as randy's. only this one – never give up!

whatever you encounter in your journeys, whatever obstacles, whatever hardships, whatever life throws at you. duck! then, move on. don't bail. don't stop. don't give up.

and that's life with benjie these days, enjoying your company on this journey of life, tho on different pathways.

Conversations with my God

i intended this post to be a short update, but it looks like it's going to be another novella. hope you bear with me and finish it to the end. i don't think you'll be disappointed.

these past 14 days or so, have seen me at my lowest point since i started this blog. the bad news actually started when i got my 'osseous metastasis' results from the mri. in my 'yoyo update' post (27 jun), i was flippant and seemed to view my condition without the seriousness it merited.

to some of you, i must have come off sounding either like an idiot, who had no idea what i was sick of, or a person in denial. i assure you i'm not in denial. i know i have cancer, and that's serious. as to being an idiot, well, i have to admit, i have my moments, but not when dealing with my condition.

i don't like to pity myself and i don't like people pitying me, so i make jokes about myself. but i realize there's no way i can stop people from pitying me. they look at me, and those who read this blog, see CANCER in bright, flashing lights shining above my head. 'what a pity. such a nice, entertaining, _______, and ________ (fill in the blanks with your favorite adjectives of me) fellow, and he's dying.'

i have this sneaky feeling, i'll be invited to less and less parties. people don't want to be reminded of death on their doorstep. this is totally normal and understandable. i'm cool with that.

but the way i see it, we're all dying from the moment we're born anyway. only thing is with my condition, i thought i knew, at least roughly, how long i had to live.

the monday before the report, my fbs (fasting blood sugar) count went to 141. that was the highest since i'd started my alt med treatment in june, higher even than my counts the 1st 2 weeks i was out of the hospital, while i was taking my hospital-issued medicines. i kept hitting high counts that week, and i didn't know why. i was sticking to my diet and my treatments. except that on certain days, i'd allow myself to get hungry and eat a lot of fruits. lots of fruits = sugar.

then on wednesday that previous week, another reminder of the proximity of death. i got word that chitong kabigting, our half-brother (one of my dad's 10 children from his 1st wife) had passed away. he was 64, but had been suffering from diabetes for years. i later learned from cecille, his daughter, that he had seemed to have just given up on life, refusing to see his friends, eating forbidden food, and later, refusing to take his medicines.

the following sunday, my brothers and i had already planned to meet at my place for merienda to celebrate 3 birthdays: our mom's birthday (26 jun), cris' birthday (29 jun), and my sister-in-law, arlene's birthday (1 jul). we just couldn't settle on a time. when saturday came around, we'd agreed we'd attend the last mass for chitong at loyola chapels before having dinner, instead of merienda.

sunday morning, i began to feel bad. after serving at the 7am mass and giving communion to the sick as is my regular sunday schedule, i decided to exercise a bit by just walking home with jeremiah. it was just an extra 15 mins walk, but i figured the sunshine would do me, and my complexion, some good.

but after breakfast, i started to feel nauseous and could hardly keep my breakfast down. i decided to lie down and slept until 11am, skipping my morning snack. i kept my scheduled appointments, but felt weak and slightly nauseous the whole day.

the next day, on cris' birthday, i ate my usual breakfast but developed diarrhea afterwards. the whole day, i didn't take solid food. for lunch, i had a glass of freshly made orange juice and another at 4pm; a glass of fresh pineapple juice at 530, and before going to bed. i even stopped taking all my medication.

i made about 7 trips to the toilet the whole day, and everything came out water.

despite that, cris and i went to the fiesta mass of sts peter & paul, and stayed for the fellowship dinner afterwards, but i didn't take a bite.

the next day, i felt better, so i had my usual fare for breakfast and lunch, tho in reduced quantities because i still felt nauseous. i took my medications again, except for one that was a laxative.

in the evening, i went to mass for La Virgen de la Rosa, the patroness of our parish. raul, the president of Cofradia dela Virgen de la Rosa, saw me and gave me a rose in honor of our Lady. all the roses were blessed by fr lito after the mass. since it was cris' birthday the previous day, i thought it would be a nice gift for her; a rose from the Blessed Mother to a mother.

despite feeling nauseous earlier, i actually ate a lot during dinner. i even finished up my daughter anne's pasta with putanesca sauce, which she purposely left for me.

the following day, wednesday, i ate my usual breakfast. but when i drank my medications, i immediately threw them up. i was nauseous. i went to bed, and tried to sleep, but i was very depressed.

it was the first time i vomited anything. i was weak and dizzy. i had started a new stage in my alt med treatment the previous saturday, and was warned i'd feel worse before i felt better again, but i didn't expect diarrhea, nausea, and bouts of depression.

my fbs that morning was 121. i weighed myself later and found i had lost about 7 lbs, down to 167. i had wanted to remain at 175 for the next 2 weeks.

i began to believe that my cancer was finally taking over. i was feeling all the symptoms; weakness, vomiting, nausea, weight loss. every little pain i felt, i attributed to my cancer. i even checked my hair until i remembered i wasn't doing chemotherapy.

i began to doubt my alt med treatment. what if it wasn't working after all? what if i should just have stuck to traditional western medicine? but that path also led to doubting my God. didn't He say He would be my Healer? what was He doing? was He doing anything at all for me? and i knew i was entering dangerous grounds. you can doubt what you're doing, you can doubt what your physician or alt med guide tells you, you can even doubt your wisdom and sanity, but when you doubt your faith and your God, what do you have left?

so after lunch, which i managed to hold down, i started doing some exercises. brief stretching and lifting some weights. and i decided to visit the the Blessed Sacrament that afternoon before going to mass.

despite the dizziness, i made myself take a shower and dress up. i walked to st andrew and went to the adoration chapel. i sat down after my opening prayers and asked Him to speak to me and to advice me. i immediately received 2 commands from Him. first, 'prepare yourself.' and second, 'I will come for you sooner than you think.'

my inner calm was shattered. as is my nature when things do not resolve themselves around me the way i want them to, i rebelled. how could my kind, generous God be so cold? i rejected the message.

'prepare yourself', was understandable and easy to accept. make myself ready spiritually for the Lord. go to confesssion. go to mass. receive the communion. pray.

but, 'I will come for you sooner than you think'? if i believed the statistics of patients in my condition, i had barely 5 months left. and He would come still sooner than i thought?

i refused the messages vehemently, but i also began to argue with myself. if i believed thatGod had told me that my treatment wasn't the critical factor; He was, because He was the Healer, how could i refuse to believe these subsequent messages i had received in the same adoration chapel, in the same pew? it would be illogical and inconsistent to disbelieve. would i believe only what i wanted to believe, and refuse whatever frightened me? would i ask Him to hold off, heal me first, and only then, come for me?

painfully, i forced myself to objectively consider the messages, especially the second. if that was God's will, i not only had no choice in the matter, but, to be true to my faith, would have to accept it willingly, gladly. it was very difficult, but what choice did i really have? i could rail about the injustice of it all. beat my breast and say, 'here i am surrendering myself totally up to You, and this is how You repay my faith and trust?'

i began to accept the messages slowly. sadly, with fear, but with a resolution that surprised even me. fine. i'll prepare myself. and i would see the Lord sooner than i thought. no more doubts. just acceptance.

i prayed to the Lord for strength to continue accepting His will in my life, or my death, as the case may be. i thanked Him for His messages. i tried my best to mean my gratitude, but it wasn't easy. i went to mass with His words heavy on my mind.

i went home and looked at my family, and managed not to be teary-eyed. i hugged my daughter briefly, but tightly. i made sure to kiss my younger sons goodnight. the older ones would find it strange should i try to kiss them at all. i was worried cris might notice my sudden tenderness. later, i would hold her and tell her i loved her.

i agonized whether to share the messages in this blog at all. after reveling in the goodness of God when He assured me He would be my Healer, how could i reveal Him going back on His word? after expressing gratitude over His benevolence, how could i tell everyone that He had withdrawn His support?

but i knew that i would have to. i had to remain truthful and consistent. if i had published His 'I am the Healer' message, i had to publish these messages too. whatever they meant to me, however hurt i felt with them, they were His messages to make known, not mine to withhold. still, it has taken me time to gather the courage to write this update.

the next morning, i was so depressed by the messages that i remained in bed, listless and feeling sorry for myself. but after lunch, i had to finally tell myself to cut it out. giving up is something that's acceptable neither to me nor to God. if He came for me, ok, i'd go, maybe not as willingly as i want to believe, but i wouldn't kick and fuss. i would be prepared and ready.

i lifted weights. that perked me up. then, i decided to visit the Blessed Sacrament again. after my opening prayers of adoration and thanks, i again sat down (not in the same pew as the last night, but in the opposite side. no, i'm not superstitious. someone was in my usual seat.) and asked God for guidance.

His voice was suddenly like thunder in my ears. “so, I am coming for you in 3 months? you know My thoughts now? you are privy to My timetable?”

if i was having a conversation with God, i'd be stammering. i was confused. 'but didn't You say You were coming sooner than i thought? and didn't i read that the mean average lifetime of someone in my condition is 5.67 months? so, i thought You'd come in 3 – 4 months because 2 months have passed since my cancer was discovered.'

God: 'did I say 5.67 months? are you able to read My mind?; in my own mind, i was on my knees cringing. 'I will come, when I will come!'

me: 'but i thought...that You had decided to take me already. i have cancer. i've started to feel weak. i vomited this morning. why would You extend my life? i can't believe You think i'm that worthy or deserving.'

God: 'I will send my graces to whom I choose, whatever graces I choose, and when I choose! My gifts do not depend on what you do, but on what I do.' by now, He must have started to take pity at my trembling figure, and His voice softened. 'you cannot make yourself deserving. you are deserving because I say you are.'

He continued: 'prepare yourself, not only spiritually, but also physically. strive to live. do not wait to die. always choose life.'

i don't remember the actual words He used anymore, but i think these convey the message i received that evening.

well, of course, i cried tears of relief. the burden of 'knowing' exactly when i would die was lifted. i wouldn't have to look at my family and think that could be the last time i would see them. i always thought it would be better to know when the moment of death would be. well, maybe not very exactly. mas o menos, is good enough.

i know i will die, maybe sooner or maybe later; but it is not for me to speculate about. it was not for me to anticipate. the Lord will take care of the matter for me.

today, 5 days later, i still feel a bit nauseous after meals. i'm still battling a bit of diarrhea. i'm weak and sluggish. but i've made up my mind to trust in my God and not to second guess Him. i can't anyway.

i've always held another view of death. if i really, really believe in God. why should i be afraid of death? i should be happy because the purpose of life is to be reunited with God, and death is nothing but being with God.

the question now is, am i a fool to talk with God the way i do? am i insane to think that God answers me back when i do talk to Him? or am i a mystic carrying on conversations with God?

actually, i'm just benjie, living life as benjie, talking and walking with the Lord.

Up and down like a yoyo

first, i went down with the news that i would need a radical nephrectomy. such a scary term for a terrifying procedure. it meant i needed my kidney removed and would have to function for the rest of my life with just one kidney.

then, i went down some more when the biopsy of the tumor removed with the kidney came up positive for carcinoma.

but the news that surgery successfully took out all the malignant cells in my right kidney region lifted me right up.

yet the results of the bone scan showed traces of metastasized cancer cells in my left lung and possibly my bone structure. what a downer!

then i went to see dr jimmy, my alt med guide, and he confirmed that i had 2 small tumors in my left lung, but my bone structure was free of cancerous cells. although he did say that there were pre-cancerous cells. somehow, he gave me confidence that i could be cured of cancer. i took that with me to the Blessed Sacrament, and the Lord raised my spirits.

when i saw the oncologist in makati med after 2 weeks of the operation, he was very concerned about the cancer cells in my left lung. when i inquired about the findings in my bone structure, he said that these could possibly be explained by arthritis. my spirits fell on his apparent concern about my left lung, but were buoyed by his interpretation of the bone structure findings.

he wanted to aggressively start immunotherapy within a week to treat my left lung. when he told us the cost, i realized there was no way i could afford it, and that depressed me somewhat, though i clung to the Lord's promise that He would be with me.

the onco said he still had to look at my bone scan pix, and i would have to see him within a week. i went back to him on 15 jun, and his focus had changed. he told us that the tumors in my left lung were too small to be verified by a biopsy, and that he was more worried about the findings in my bones. i was confused with his change of focus. however, i found new reason to hope because i felt he was discounting the lung cancer, but was also discouraged that he was now concerned about the findings in my bones.

the onco asked me to have another ct scan, this time focusing on my right arm. i had one and last monday, 22 jun, he looked at the results and consulted with the radiologist. he told me that the ct scan results were inconclusive. even the doctor in radiology recommended that i go through an mri so they can have a finer view of what was in my bones. the fact that the ct scan results were inconclusive, gave my spirits a boost, even if the onco looked a bit disappointed.

so yesterday, i had an mri at makati med to find out with closure (i hope) what it is, or rather, where it is, that ails me.

in the meantime, last monday, i went shopping for new clothes. since i entered the hospital on 16 apr, i had lost 30 lbs, bringing my weight to 170. that frightened me, but cris said, how could i gain weight with the diet i had consisting of veggies and brown rice? anyway, last week i had gained 5 lbs, and i felt good about myself. i decided i didn't want to look like a walking clothes hanger any longer.

i went to sm makati and bought me 4 pairs of pants, but didn't see any shirts i liked. 3 of my pants have 36-in waists. my jeans has a 34-inch waist. physically, i look almost as i did 25 years ago.

during our vacation in la union, i took in as much sun as i could, so my color has deepened and gone back to my dark brown complexion. gone is the hospital pallid pallor. i went to our hairdresser and got a good haircut. as a friend commented, a haircut with attitude. i've taken to using different types of hats and going around with my shades. i am going to enjoy this while it lasts!

that's life as benjie these days, as a yoyo, though a better looking one than the prior version.

Respite

picture this: a long stretch of deserted beach; not a tourist place because it is rocky and has expanses of sea grass growing just below the water surface. it is a summer afternoon too hot for the other bathers yet. the sun beams heat down enough to keep the water to a warm temperature.. the sea is calm, no waves. the air is still, no wind.

i float on the water about a foot above the sand, low enough to feel the grass tickle my back. i have my cool shades on so i can look up at the sky and see the cloud formations hovering a couple of hundred feet above me. the warm water, the hot air, the bright sun, and the quiet surround me in an island of peace. the cries of my 4 younger children building sand fortresses on the beach 20 yards away, are faint but joyful. i am detached, but not alone, which adds to, and does not detract from, the tranquility of the moment.

it was a piece of time i wanted frozen. i could stay in this moment for an eternity. i was filled with a serenity i had not felt for a long time.

motion meant the relentless passing of time, and i wanted so much for it to stop. no more rising and falling of the tides; no more winds to disturb the cloud masses; no more going back to everyday problems; no more aging; no more unwanted cells growing inside me; no more dying. let this moment just be, and be, and be.

i guess this is what yogis in yoga postures, zen buddhists in meditation, and religious mystics in intense prayer, sought to achieve. when you are able to shut motion down, your reward is peace and serenity.

but as i continued to gaze at the clouds, i realized that the shapes i thought were fixed and stable, were actually full of motion. tufts of clouds in the cloud formations, espcially at the edges, were pushed to and fro by gentle puffs of air. they would move a few feet up or down, left or right, then move back to, approximately, their original places; never in the exact same position, yet very close, so that the whole formation though constantly in motion, only imperceptibly changed its shape. thus, a lion's head slowly became a turtle. a woman's head changed, without noticeably doing so, into a cartoon car.

under me, the sea moved, gently lifting me up and setting me down much as the chest of a sleeping baby will rise and fall. at my back, the leaves of the undersea grass danced to and fro.

inside me, my stomach quietly rumbled, its acids digesting bits of food in my intestines. my heart was beating and i could almost imagine the blood coursing through my veins.

everything above me, below me, around me, and in me, was in motion. the entire universe itself of stars, planets, black holes, and cosmic dust was moving. life in motion! life IS motion!

the turbulance of the wind; the rising and crashing of the waves; the racing torrents of blood in my veins; the struggle of new cells in my body to be created and the destruction of old cells; the mad rush of cosmic objects in the universe away from its center; all were powerful, ceaseless forces in motion. life was not peaceful; it was chaotic.

the stability of the clouds above me; the motionlessness of the water; the stillness of my mind and body; all were simply illusions, a temporary respite. total motionlessness only comes with death. in life, peace and serenity were enjoyed when one made sense of the chaos; when motion and its effects were slowed to a minimum.

a life is not defined by the number of parties one is invited to, or how many toys one accumulates, or how may friends one acquires. that way lies chaos. a life is defined by what is inside a person, which he gains from his lessons in life, and which he nurtures and develops in peace and serenity, with the guidance of his God. peace and serenity are needed to eliminate the effects of chaos. the guidance of God is a reminder of one's unity with creation. and for what he has nurtured to bear fruit for the good of all, it must be shared.

my mistake has been in not sharing because i distrusted the wisdom and goodness of people. people, i now realize, can pick the pearls from among the garbage, the grain from the chaff. there is always something for someone, for what is garbage to one, may be a jewel to another. it is not for me to filter what i want people to see in me. it is for me to simply be who i am.

My selected treatment

the treatment method i have selected to rid myself of my cancer is based on dr william d kelley's metabolic cure for cancer. dr kelley wrote two books about his cancer cure, “one answer to cancer” and “cancer: curing the incurable without surgery, chemotherapy, or radiation”. 

dr kelley was a cancer survivor for 43 years, after treating himself for pancreatic cancer. he died in 2005, of a heart attack. he, and his metabolic cure, were never accepted in the medical profession, probably because he never toed the official medical line for cancer, and also because he wasn't a medical doctor. he was a dentist. but during his career as an alternative medicine practitioner treating cancer patients, he had 33,000 well-documented cases, with a 97% cure rate, 93% after a patient had been treated through surgery, radiology, or chemotherapy. 

the sloan-kettering center in new york spent 5 years reviewing his cases, though the report of their conclusions was never published. one doctor involved in the investigations, dr nicholas gonzalez, resigned from sloan-kettering after the report was suppressed, and opened up his own alternative med clinic in new york, basing his treatments on the metabolic cure of dr kelley.
if you're interested in obtaining more information about dr kelley and his metabolic cure (which incidentally, he applied to both cancer and diabetes patients), you can visit the following sites.

http://educate-yourself.org/cancer/kellymetabolicdiet13dec02.shtml

http://www.drkelley.com/what_is_cancer.htm 

http://cancertutor.com/Cancer/Metabolic.html

my guide in following the metabolic protocol is jaime dy-liacco. jimmy, a vigorous man in his 80's, is also a cancer survivor of 15 years. he cured himself of pancreatic cancer using dr kelley's metabolic cure. you can read about his 'adam and eve' diet in the site below.

http://www.myhomespa.ph/articles/jdyliacco_adam&evediet.html

for the sake of balanced reporting, i have to add the following link about quacks in the medical profession. drs kelley and gonzalez are mentioned.

http://www.quackwatch.com/01QuackeryRelatedTopics/cancer.html

the most informative site i have found about dr kelley's metabolic cure, is at the url included below. it is written by a traditional western doctor in a critique for doctors, using medical terms and medical data. if there is one site i recommend to understand dr kelley's metabolic protocol, it is this site.

http://www.townsendletter.com/June2003/kelleycritique0603.htm

i've researched my condition in orthodox medicine sites on the web and came up with this site, among many others.

http://cancer.about.com/od/kidneycancerrenalcell/a/rcc.htm

ernie e, my former high-school classmate and now a doctor in texas, sent me a few items too, one of which was very informative.

http://www.cochrane.org/reviews/en/ab006017.html

i have learned that renal cancer does not respond well to radiation or chemotherapy. the first line of treatment is medication, more specifically immunotherapy (i think it's called). it is supposed to strengthen the patient's immune system and to arrest the growth of cancer cells, thus the medicines are also known as 'inhibitors'. i read that the medications, on the average, statistically speaking, prolong a patient's life from 7.3 months to 10.9 months.

the reactions of family and friends to my decision to go with alt med have been varied.

a few have expressed their disagreement and even disappointment, with my choice of alt med. they find it difficult to believe that a seemingly intelligent person (that's me) could cast aside science and strictly-controlled clinical studies in the field of medicine.

and in exchange, i place my health and my very life in the hands of untrained laymen, using untested procedures, with uneven results.

many people with cancer have been cured with orthodox medicine. but it has also failed to help others. similarly, alternative medicine works with some people; but others do not respond to it.
in the majority of reactions i have received, i sense incredulity, but the people are too nice to say so. generally, they take into account my faith in my Maker. they hardly know what to say, but instead offer me their prayers. for which i am thankful beyond words. i suspect that a lot of them secretly pray that my eyes be opened, my mind be enlightened, and my decision be reversed. their prayers are still welcome.

however, there are an adventurous few, who some may call foolish, who openly express their support for my decision. some of them really believe in alt med and its effectiveness; some have no thoughts about it one way or another, but defer to my right to make my own decisions; some truly believe that God is at work in and with me.

of all of these reactions, the one i value most is the last, that of those who believe in God's love, wisdom, and benevolence. for though i call it 'my' decision, it wouldn't be the decision i make if i did not believe that God supports that decision. in my acceptance blog post (may 8), i said that God is the Healer, alternative medicine or orthodox medicine are simply His instruments. i have to say that my faith in the instruments, is less than in Him who wields the instruments.

i am deeply grateful to all who have shared their thoughts, experiences, and knowledge with me, and continue to do so. for my part, i will continue to listen and weigh all that you say, for you too may be instruments of the Lord. i could have misunderstood the message God spoke to me. if so, i believe that my God, who is loving and wise and just, would correct me. i must remain open to His messages which may come from anyone.

i thank you for your prayers. to those rare few who claim not to know how to pray or who do not believe in my God, send me your good vibrations instead. that will suffice. my God is wise and loving. He will know what you mean and accept your prayers which you make in your own manner.

last thursday, we paid our second visit to the oncologist. after looking at my bone scan pictures, which i've posted in my picasa web album (for those who have been invited to it, the very long, but extremely thin thingee in the region of my pelvis ISN'T my penis. it's the catheter!), the doctor said that he's now more concerned with the dark traces showing in my right upper arm and elbow joint, rather than the traces in my left lung. apparently, the traces in the lung are too faint to base any firm decisions on, but those in my bones are so prominent as to merit further investigation,

i explained that i used to play a lot of tennis. in fact, there was a time i wanted to be a tennis bum. not in the sense of playing in the professional tennis circuit, but at least in local open tournaments. this was in the early 80's, after i returned from my 5-year bumming sabbatical in europe. i was living with my mom in vigan, and didn't want to do anything but play tennis and lie in the beach.

the only reason i went back to work as a contractual programmer was because i needed to buy tennis rackets, tennis balls, tennis shoes, and pay for tennis bets. unfortunately, once i started working, i had to give up tennis. isn't that grandly LOGICAL!?

back to my illness. that was a long time ago, but the past year or so, i've been complaining about pain in my shoulder joints and my right elbow when i drive, esp our manual transmission vehicle. so, now apparently, cancer may have been the cause of the pain? maybe not.

the onco has scheduled me for another ct scan, this time concentrating on my bone structure. but first, i have to have my creatinine level tested.

cris' new boss, who has been very supportive throughout my latest health trials, has arranged for us to have a 2nd-opinion consultation with dr ang peng tiam, medical director and senior consultant of the parkway cancer centre of singapore. cris sent him my medical test results, which he has perused. i now have the chance to consult with a world-class oncologist. i hope that will assuage the apprehension of those who worry about my choice of alt med. (gawrsh! i'm on a roll here. first, 'peruse'; now 'assuage'.)

another hs friend, dr liz, tells me that ct scans are not good indicators of cancer. she strongly recommends a pet scan. my cousin, laida, suggested the same thing because the pet scan will sniff out and pinpoint the cancer cells in my body, wherever they hide themselves. but my pockets aren't deep enough, so i'll still keep it under serious advicement for now. meanwhile, i'll just have to stick to my pet koi fish, the cheap kind.

on the other hand, my alternative medicine physician told me my cancer was in my left lung, and no traces of it in my bones. so there.

for those who ask cris, or themselves, (but seldom ask me directly) how i am? the answer, my good friend bitan, is 'i'm fine.' that means i'm alive; i am enjoying my life, my family, and my friends; and i am serving God. how can i be any 'finer'?

my wife recently told me i'm a good patient, very conscientious with my diet and my medications. she also considers me a true believer and follower of the Lord. she said that she expects me to be there at our 6-year old daughter's debut. if there's one thing i've learned in this life, it's that it's very dangerous to disappoint one's wife. and so i will do everything to dance the first waltz with my daughter at her debut.

and that's life as benjie, in this year of living dangerously.

Selecting a cure

once people learned i had cancer, family and friends came forward to offer assistance by pointing cris and i to several doctors, oncologists, and alternative medicine practitioners. i realized i had to think of how i would like to be treated.

although the natural choice would normally be western medicine with its scientific and technological developments over the years, i have been a follower and believer of alternative medicine for a long time. the idea of natural remedies has always appealed to me. maybe it's because of my being a filipino, with all our herbolarios, hilots and faith-healers. i grew up in the province where these were the healers of first choice, because doctors educated in western medicine were not always available or were beyond the financial capability of barrio people.

besides, western medicine despite all its well-funded research and scientific clinical tests, has a 'hit or miss' element in its treatments. it is not uncommon for doctors to prescribe a drug for a malady, and when it doesn't work on a patient, to move on to the next drug, and then, move on again, until the right one is found.

even the more expensive, modern machines are not 100% accurate or effective. doctors admit that radiology and chemotherapy affects not only cancer cells, but good cells as well. they have side effects which are managed with more drugs, which in turn also have other side effects.

the western medications and treatments work for some people, but not for others. on the patients that respond well to the therapy, the healing is sometimes partial or temporary. i believe this is because different people will react to these medications and treatments in different ways. after all, each of us is unique in our physiology and chemical compositions.

defenders of western medicine will say that these “gold standard” therapies are backed with years of extensive research and development, and have undergone strictly controlled tests in order to ensure their safety and effectiveness. they can quote medical statistics to prove each treatment’s effectiveness. yet, there are adverse effects. yet, healing is not assured.

at this point in my journey, i have chosen the alternative medicine route. i can imagine my traditional (read, western medine) doctor-friends moaning and groaning, and saying what a great mistake i am making. i am playing with my health and my life. i am delaying the application of medications and treatments that could save my life.

bear with me while i explain my decision.

why choose alternative medicine, which is fraught with hocus-pocus, quacks, and frauds? because sometimes real healers can be found among them.

but they have no scientific data to back them up; no strict clinical tests done on their treatments. of what use are scientific data or clinical test results to me, if i have no assurance of being cured? uncertainty exists in both western and alternative medicine.

while it is true that alternative medicine have no empirical data to back it up, there are living, breathing people who have been cured with it. like a doctor of mine said, 'how can you argue with success?' well, some successes exist anyway.

but why alternative? because, as i've said, i'm partial to 'natural', as opposed to synthetically produced drugs that are based on natural elements.

i have heard several alternative medicine explanations of cancer. different treatments based on natural healing abound. how do i separate the grain from the chaff? i listen and try to go with what sounds the most logical to me.

how can i trust my own uneducated, unscientific assessment of a similarly wide variety of alternative medicine therapies? because in the end, i am responsible for myself. it is my life (and to be macabre about it, my death) and no one else’s. am i forgetting cris and my children? no, i am not, but i have to live my life, as they do theirs, and i also believe i am making the best choice that will allow me to share a fuller longer life with them. we all make our choices. some will be good, most will not be so good. i have made some unbelievably bad choices in my life! but i have always been prepared to pay the price for them, as i am doing now.

but the thing that leads me most to alternative medicine is my desire to be an active participant in my healing process, rather than a passive patient. with western medicine, i am given medications and treated by a physician, who is expected to heal me. in the alternative medicine approach i choose, i am my own healer, and my physician is my guide.

this may seem like a good cut-out mechanism for my alternative medicine coach. if i am not cured, it's my fault, not his, for not following instructions, for not sticking to my prescribed diet, for not religiously taking my food supplements, for not exercising properly. if the western-trained doctor does not heal me, hey! it's not my fault. he failed in his job.

but i prefer taking the responsibility for my well-being and cure on my shoulders, rather than on letting someone else bear the weight of all that responsibility.

cris is concerned about the tone of finality in my decision. would i change my mind if alternative medicine doesn't work? would i be willing to go the other route? like they said, 'it ain't over til the fat lady sings', and right now, there ain't any fat lady around to sing.

sure, i'm willing to explore, to listen, to weigh and to judge. but i have put down the guidelines i would like to base my decisions on. these are things i believe define the values i live by. and if we don't live by the values we choose in life, what are we but slaves to circumstances?

would i trade my good looks, ie hair, strong-looking physique, for a few more months of life under chemotherapy? would i prefer to be alive but weak and helpless in my bed? would i be able to stand the looks of fear and pity in the eyes of cris, my children and my friends when i am wasted and unable to function properly?

difficult questions to answer unless you're face to face with death. yesterday, i met an old classmate from la salle, chito jaraiz. he has cancer too. and he told me, 'we are the fortunate ones, benj. we know that we will soon be gone and can prepare for it. the others have no prior warning, and that could be more dangerous.' indeed, bro.

i have one last, over-riding reason for staying on my chosen path. on the day after i consulted with the alternative medicine practitioner whom i had already selected to be my guide, i decided to lift up my decision to God. i went to mass and stayed with the Blessed Sacrament for some time. i had made several decisions in the past without consulting the Lord. some of them turned out to be good decisions, some, bad. but even with the good decisions, without the Lord's blessing, the uncertainty would weigh heavily on me. this time, i needed His guidance. i could do without so much uncertainty.

i asked Him my questions; i prayed; and then, as i usually do in front of the Blessed Sacrament, i kept quiet, and listened, and prepared myself to wait. His answer came immediately and with such force, that i could not question His response . His words to me were, “Western or alternative medicine, makes no difference. Either one can make you well. What is important is My presence. I am the Healer.”

and that's life as benjie, with God.

Acceptance

you know that phenomenon where you hear a song once, and can't stop singing or humming it for days afterwards? that was what happened when my doctors, dr ferrer and dr nazareth, left my bedside the day before i was released. dr nazareth's parting words kept ringing in my head for days, 'shop around for an oncologist.'
usually, you shop around for an appliance, a tv set or a ref, that will last 3-5 years. you shop around for a car that will last 5-10 years. or, you shop around for a house that will last, well, hopefully, for your lifetime. and that was what 'shopping around for an oncologist' sounded like. get one that you can live with for the rest of your life. it sure sounded like getting married all over again.
still, i was upbeat when i left the hospital. i could urinate without blood or pain. my wound was healing pretty well. my blood sugar count, though on the high side, was within acceptable norms. and i was going home!
the next days at home were spent monitoring my blood sugar count, 4 times a day, later down to twice a day. i learned to eat within my prescribed diet; no salt, no sugar, no fat, no oil. to do this, we had to plan the way meat and vegetables would be cooked, and the condiments and herbs to use in preparing my meals. cris had to dress my wound every other day, while i basically lay in bed and rested.
on the weekend, i was looking forward to going back to dr ferrer and dr nazareth the next monday, for my check-up. they would also have the biopsy report (formally, the surgical pathology consultation report) on the mass that was removed from my kidney. dr nazareth's suggestion of looking for an oncologist was based not only on the 10cm size of the mass, but also on the findings of 'occult' traces of malignant cells in my body from the bone scan. i needed to hear conclusive findings. the term, 'occult' or 'microscopic', was giving me some small hope of being cancer-free. the biosy would tell me whether i was living on false hope or not.
but before monday, i decided to surf the net to try to get some info about what was ailing me. i found that blood in the urine meant something wrong with the kidney; that this could mean a mass in the kidney, normally malignant; that a 10cm mass meant at least stage-3 cancer; that what i had was renal cancer. then the usual treatments, medication, radiology, chemotherapy. i got really scared, then figured, 'wait for the biopsy report before starting to worry big time.'
i actually got my first warning about my condition from marlo, my brother. cony, his wife, a neurosurgeon, had told him before my operation that my symptoms were indicative of either kidney or pancreatic cancer. still, i clung to the hope that maybe it wasn't, or that maybe the surgery would remove it.
monday morning, we were supposed to see dr nazareth first to remove the staples from my wound, and to give us the lowdown about the biopsy report. unfortunately, he had an emergency operation in batangas and would only be available in the afternoon.
we went to see dr ferrer. he didn't have the biopsy report and had to send down to the pathology lab for it. he explained that the mass was indeed stage-3 carcinoma. but apparently, it hadn't spread to the adjacent organs or tissues. that lifted my spirits. then, he said we would still need to consult an oncologist because what he knows of cancer could be 10 years behind the times. besides, there was correlation between my kidney problem, the bone scan results, and the pathology report. my spirits took another downward turn. (friends have mentioned a roller coaster ride. i'll have a posting on this soon.)
when we finally saw dr nazareth, he explained that aside from my kidney, he had taken out a portion of the vein connected to my kidney, and a lymph node that seemed to have been affected. however, the biopsy report said that the lymph node was negative for cancer traces. he reiterated his advice to look for an oncologist who would then recommend the best treatment for me.
he told me that we needed to monitor the progress of my kidney. i would have to go for an ultra-sound every 3 months, and a ct scan at least annually, maybe even every 6 months, because the ultra-sound would not be able to give clear indications of a recurrence of the tumor, which was possible.
yesterday, thursday, we visited dr aragon, my endocrinologist, for my sugar monitoring. the blood test i had done on monday showed by sugar level to be at 98.98. when i entered the hospital it was about 180. so things looked good. but again, close monitoring was needed because the 4 things affected by diabetes were the eyes, the heart, the kidney of which i only had one left, hence the need for stricter vigilance, and the foot.
besides, the oncologist might prescribe some medication for chemotherapy that could increase my sugar level, i would really have to consult with him again when i begin my treatments.
in the afternoon, dickie heras, a friend whose wife, yvet, had undergone chemotherapy last year (and who is now doing very well), brought us to carewell community, to meet its founder and managing director, bobit suntay. (http://www.carewellcommunity.org/)
bobit explained what carewell did and how it helps and supports cancer patients. we, or rather cris, my resident would-be-doctor, explained my illness and the results of the different tests i had undergone. bobit then spoke of the different treatments available to cancer patients, from what he called, 'the gold standard' of western medicine, to alternative medicine. western medicine is based on scientific studies and empirical evidence, while eastern or alternative medicine goes by anecdotal experiences of patients who have been healed. there is no clear explanation how or why alternative medicine works, but there are several living, breathing 'proofs' that it works. it would be our decision which of these branches to go with, or what mixture we would work with. personally, i prefer alternative non-invasive medicine, but i'm open to both eastern and western medicine. whatever it takes to get well.
carewell would be there to support us in our journey. bobit mentioned the names of several reliable oncologists we could consult. he also said he could refer us to alternative medicine practitioners, if that is what we choose.
on the way home, i could only think that all the doctors we had spoken to this week, and even bobit suntay, had no doubt about the need for me to consult with an oncologist. no if's or but's about it, i needed an oncologist. and what disturbed me even more, was that they didn't make it sound like a one time consultation. we had to find an oncologist we could work and live with, because this was for the long haul.
last night, we went to a get-together hosted by my close aunt, doña nonette medina. it was her mom's (my lola domi's) 10^th death anniversary, and i think, she and ate aiding, her sister, also took it as an opportunity to fete me for a successful operation.
we spent time talking about our various medical problems because nonette had just had a spinal operation and was still experiencing considerable pain now and then. ed, nonette's husband, has diabetes, no, sorry, very high sugar count, but not diabetes. peping gonzales, my uncle from another lolo, has had several operations on both knees and one on the upper part of his spinal column.
of course, delicious food was served by nonette, as usual. i small portions of everything, except the clams and mussels of which i liberally partook. i even had a taste of the ice cream cake, and of the cheese puff from Conti's. (my fasting blood sugar this morning: 103, which is very good.)
after the meal, lulu gonzales, an aunt from another lolo, who's actually younger than i am, looked over my test results. being a doctor, i was very interested in what she had to say and listened closely to her explanations. before saying a word, just by the look on her face, i could tell she was about to concur with the other doctors about my sickness and my need for an oncologist.
more than any of the other doctors, lulu's words drove home the fact that i am now a cancer patient. full acceptance of that will take some time, i'm sure. this is just the first step. tomorrow, i will wake up and have to accept it again. and the day after, and the day after.
i am a cancer patient. whether i will be a cancer survivor and for how long, depends on me, my oncologist, and my God. i know cris will be always with me in this difficult journey, but so will my close family, my extended family, and my friends.
i do not make this statement of acceptance to solicit pity for me. pity, i can do without. i do it so that when you pray for me, you may know what it is i need in my life at this moment; and that is healing. But beyond that, that we all may accept whatever it is God wills in our lives.
this i promise to you all. i will do whatever needs to be done, eat or drink what i must, and do away with whatever is harmful, to try to fight this disease. i owe it to you who have shown so much concern for me and have given so much support to cris and to me. i owe it to my children. and i owe it to my wife. thank you again. God be with us all.
and that's life as benjie these days.