A day I'm glad to have

it's my birthday anniversary today. i'm 59, and alive! ain't that great? for awhile back there, i worried i wouldn't see this day. so i'm very glad to have it to enjoy life.

3 weeks ago, i went to see my alt med doctor, dr jimmy, concerned about the cancer in my left lung and the osseous metastasis in my right bone structure. he asked me sit down, then suddenly stopped, looked at me and asked, 'but how do you feel?' i couldn't suppress a wide smile because the previous day i had done 16 laps and felt pretty good. so i told him. he proceeded to do his muscle testing on me (one day, i'll explain what muscle testing is, but not now.)

when he'd finished, he looked down at me (he's not a tall guy, but he was on his feet and i was seated), and said, 'no, i don't detect any cancer anymore. you're fine.' i was floored. i didn't know if i would jump up and give him a great big hug (nope. i didn't. i'm a bit homophobic.); or break down in tears (neither. i was brought up learning big boys don't cry.); or just dance around the room (not that either. michael had just died so everyone was reprising their moonwalking skills, but i never had any to start with). so, i just sat there and tried to take in the various levels of meanings of his pronouncement.

no more fear? no more worrying? no more raw pancreas and raw liver? well, not that. he quickly disabused me of any notion of giving up those delicacies. he said i have to continue with the protocol for the entire 6 months (3 more months to go) and for the rest of my life, still take them on a reduced frequency so that the cancer doesn't come back.

as i walked out the gate, i remembered to say a quiet prayer of thanks to my Healer. in the excitement, i had temporarily forgotten about Him. but i'm getting better, in the BC days (before cancer), i would have probably reached home in makati from la vista before i would remember.

by the time i got home, the doubts had creeped in. what if dr jimmy was mistaken? what if he's just a quack? what if i'm not healed? so i started to agonize until i remembered who the real Healer is. God said he'd take care of me and i have to keep my faith in His word.

anyway, cris and i decided it's time to use my oncologist's request for another ct scan. i'm still holding off on the request for the mri. the contrast dye they use for ct scans and mri's scares me. i've read that it has bad affects on the kidneys. until i find a compatible kidney donor, who will cheerfully donate his/her kidney to me without cost, i'm taking very good care of my one remaining kidney.

but i recall how inconclusive either of those tests can be. the findings in my left lung were basically disregarded bec they were too faint to definitely indicate cancer cells. the osseous metastasis (i've learned to like the sound of that phrase. it's sooo alliterative. is that the word i want? it glides off the tongue so smoothly, masking its lethal connotation,) was not conclusively cancer either. it could be 1) very bad arthritis, 2) severe trauma, 3) severerer osteoporosis, or 3) severest osseous metastasis. take your pick. you'd have a 25% chance of being right.

so why the hell go through the exercise at all? well, bec it would be so pleasant to hear that the results don't indicate any cancer at all. and it would be sooo ssweeeett to see the face of my oncologist when he reads that report. i wouldn't feel i would have to comfort him anymore. or maybe on second thought, i'd have to comfort him even more when he realizes all their high-tech machinery and expensive education didn't help me at all. (snicker. snicker. snicker.)

and then, another problem reared its head. so, i'm well? what if i was never really sick? what if i didn't have cancer at all? i just said those tests were all inconclusive, didn't i? then all these prayers from friends were a waste of effort? all my blog posts had no meaning? in the words of the bard, were they 'all full of sound and fury, signifying nothing?' will people say i just wasted their sympathy? will my friends now abandon me and label me a fraidy cat, a boy who cried wolf?

oh! the shame! the humiliation! it's almost too much for someone with my inflated ego to bear. good thing my ego is inflated enough to handle it.

the other indicators my oncologist warned me to look out for, are not evident either. he said to watch out for cysts in the lymph nodes around the neck and in the crotch; negative. pain in the affected bones, specifically my right arm; negative. pain in the lower back; positive, but then i've felt pain there for some time, besides, they're more like muscle pains. they go away when i do stretching exercises.

this morning i took my fbs, and it registered at 74. first time i ever went below 84. the only irritating indicator is my weight. i looked at the scales earlier and i'm down to 156 lbs. i had been holding on to 160 for around 3 weeks. but i kind of expected the weight loss bec i've been missing the brown rice part of my meals these past 2 weeks. not everyday, but often enough to make me suspect i'd lose weight.

so for those of you who want to slim down, i highly recommend a vegan diet, guaranteed to help you lose those pounds or kilos or tons. of course the crucial thing is motivation; you just want to lose weight, i don't want to lose my life. it's like someone stuck a loaded gun to your face and said, 'your meat dishes or your life?' no contest, really.

so anyway, a day after seeing dr jimmy, i hied off to the Blessed Sacrament again, sat down, and asked God a direct question, 'am i healed? am i well? am i cancer free?' actually, those were 3 questions.

His response was a simple, 'how do you feel? d'you feel sick? are you weak, tired, debilitated? do you suffer from nausea? vomiting? how do you FEEL?'

sheepishly, i answered, 'to tell You the truth, i feel fine. i feel pretty good, in fact.'

and He said, 'well, what more do you want? church bells ringing? fireworks going off? singing and dancing in the streets?' not in exactly those words, but that was the feeling i got.

and no, those were not what i expected. i wanted reassurance that i was ok. but the sense i also got from Him was, 'that's all the reassurance you'll get, or need. you feel fine, and you are fine. so don't fret over it. say 'thank you' and enjoy your blessings.'

so, thank you, Lord. thank you, cris. thank you, kids, thank you to my family, and thank you to all of you, my friends. you are all blessings to me. oh, and don't go away. it's nice having you around.

and that's life with benjie, on another day i'm glad i have.