overcoming anxiety

i only know of only one character in the whole world who is anxiety-free; alfred e. neumann, the "what, me worry?" guy of mad magazine. on the other hand, there's good ol' charlie brown, who worries that even the sky will fall on him.

in between these two are you, me, and the rest of the world. we worry about our health, our wealth; our parents' conditions, our children's future, our friends' loyalty, and the enmity of others. we fret about our jobs or the lack thereof. we agonize over both our future and our past, which we would change if we could.

we deal with our anxieties in different ways. we seek relaxation through yoga or massages. we escape in tv, movies, social \networking sites, and video games. we sweat out our tensions in sports. we turn artistic and play the guitar or the piano, or we dance, or write a poem. we succumb to our dark side with drugs, alcohol, and other vices. in times of desperation, we turn to a God we may or may not fully believe in, but who we hope will help us just the same.

in may of this year, cris and i had our 4-1/2 storey house (half the house was 3 bedrooms one on top of the other, all over the garage; the other half, a single level with living room, dining room, kitchen, and another bedroom and bathroom.), torn down. we started the construction of a real 4-storey apartment building.

a construction project is a journey through unknown perilous territory. most mornings, i'd wake up bright and early, full of hope and excitement about the anticipated progress for the day, but almost before i finish my breakfast, problems rise up to darken our day.

for example: one fine day while the old house was being demolished, our foreman came to report that the wrecking crew had knocked a hole in our neighbor's downstairs wall.

instant nightmare visions of an irate neighbor demanding reparation. "rebuild my wall at your expense, or else!" anxiety attacks the body! the heart palpitates, the temper rises. the stomach rumbles, the head aches, the vision blurs, the blood pressure shoots up, and the voice drops to a growl. "you knocked down the neighbor's wall!?"

at times like these, there's no time for yoga. sports would be inappropriate. and you feel more like beating up someone with your guitar, or better yet, your piano, than playing him a tune. so i aim a silent knee-jerk plea heavenward, "help!", without any expectation of a response.

i walk over to the site, my intestines all tied up in knots. i look at the damage, and see a hole in their downstairs bathroom wall, the size of my racing heart. after inspecting the damage carefully, our mason reports that the affected portion has no concrete hollow blocks. no hollow blocks, no wall. tiles were simply added to our wall. naturally, when we tore down our walls, the hole appeared on their wall. what a relief. it's not our fault after all!

but wait! we still have to explain things to our neighbor and hope he accepts the situation. what if he refuses our finding? what if he says his house was quietly standing there, minding its own business, when we messed with it?

but next day, the neighbor is very reasonable. he owns up to the mistake in their construction. he agrees to pick up the tab for the damaged wall.

at another time, we needed to buy the 2nd-hand steel beams for our place. the beams were in a warehouse in valenzuela. the agent, whom i had met only once before, told me over the phone that we had to pay a reservation fee for the steel beams so they would hold the beams for us. ok, no problem. the reservation would have to be paid in cash. no problem. deposited to their bank account. waaiiittaminute. and what proof would i have that i paid them money? the deposit slip of course. and what proof do i have that they owe me goods in return? well, you get a provisional receipt once they see the deposit slip. oh, really, nellie? i haven't even seen the beams yet, nor have i met the owner. well, that's just the way it works, boss.

fine! here's the plan. i leave at 930am, probably get there by 11 latest; deposit the money at the bank a few hundred meters from their office, and rush to their office for my receipt.

only, the best plans get waylaid by metro manila traffic, especially approaching noon time in valenzuela. i was able to meet my agent at 12:10. i say, "let's deposit the reservation fee, then go immediately to their office."

"actually, boss, it's their lunch break so we'll have to wait until 1pm. in the meantime, you're right, we deposit the money so we don't waste time, then wait for them to open up again. just hang on to the deposit slip."

oh, that's a great comfort! if i have the deposit slip, they can't withdraw the money, is that it?

the moment we enter the bank, anxieties begin to torment me. is this wise? am i being ripped off? i start with my silent prayers again. "oh, please God, help! protect our money. protect me from con men."

when i hand the money to the teller, she tugs at it but i don't let go. she looks up at me. i smile sheepishly and force my fingers to open up one by one. "God, bless this money that it may be used for its purpose." bye-bye, money.

i get the deposit slip and look at it forlornly. it's not as impressive as the blue bills i gave up. it doesn't even have my name on it to prove that it was once mine. "God, bless this deposit slip that it may bind the steel owners to our transaction."

we have to wait for their office to open. do we have lunch somewhere while we wait? not on your life. i park the van right at the gate. forget the food. i'll eat the steel beams when i see them. "God, help me keep my sanity while we wait for the gates to open."

finally, finally! FINALLY!! it's 1pm! the gates open and we are allowed into the sanctum sanctorium. the place is a huge 1,000 sqm warehouse packed with different kinds of steel products. my fears are appeased. the deposit slip goes to the office and out comes the provisional receipt. ahh, relief. my fears subside, my heartbeat slows, and my stomach quiets down. i won't eat the steel beams.

an hour later, i whisper, "thank you, God!" gratitude is an afterthought.

a little later, we had to buy a 2nd-hand generator for the welding machines to be used in erecting the steel structure. my crew checked it out and the verdict was it was very good, with only 120 hours logged in the meter, it was practically unused. it looked so good, they didn't even bother to start it.

we got it back to the construction site and did a detailed inspection. several parts were missing - the motherboard for the electric gauges, the oil pump, a few other things. my crew assured me, these were minor problems.

minor! MINOR? the thing won't start! that's not minor. for the amount we paid for it. that's a major disaster.

we decided to get a maintenance engineer from the distributor of the generator brand to conduct a thorough assessment. between the time we called the guy and the time he came, a week passed by. i wasn't too worried because i was told there were lots of spare parts for this model.

the engineer came and conducted his assessment. he reports to me. "boss, it'll take a month and half again of your purchase price to get it running." A MONTH!? the parts have to be sourced from singapore, boss. AND ADDITIONAL HALF OF THE PURCHASE PRICE!!?? singapore dollars, boss, with conversion fees, transportation costs, import tariffs, "for the boys" in customs. you know how it goes, boss.

this time, an extreme anxiety attack is called for. i'm responsible for construction purchases. the money's been paid, the generator delivered, but it will take more money to get it working. more than the money, i worried about my family. what will happen to my children when cris finds out i screwed up big time, and wrings my neck? how will they take not having a father around?

buy some time. stall. don't mention this to cris. maybe a miracle will happen. "God, help! what do i do? where can i go? what will happen to me?" in the meantime, i lie awake in bed at night thinking of the inutile generator. every morning, i wake up hoping it was all a nightmare, and that the generator works. and then, i go out and see it sitting there, useless.

on an exceptionally despondent day, i frantically plead with God for a solution to the problem. He says, "have i let you down yet? have i been sleeping on the job? or do you think your frenzied ranting and worrying solved your problems? did your friends or your crew ? did your money buy you out of your predicaments?"

belatedly, i realized the pattern wasn't: problem,resolution; problem; resolution. something was missing. when problems appeared, solutions just didn't magically pop up. the pattern was problem-prayer-resolution; problem-prayer-resolution. the prayer after the problem resulted in the resolution. cause and effect. logical.

today, we still face other problems; diminishing funds, construction mistakes, missed deadlines. do i fret? do i worry?

of course i do! i haven't nailed down this complete faith and total surrender business down to where i no longer worry. i do. if i had faith the size of a mustard seed, i would tell the mulberry bush to be uprooted and plant itself in the sea , and it would. but i still can't do that, even if i happen to see a mulberry bush. i still have a way to go before my faith gets to be the size of a mustard seed.

st. paul says faith is believing in things yet unseen. your faith leads you to expect answers to your prayers. but expectant faith is only the beginning. earnest and immediate gratitude to the God who provides, closes the circle of faith. without an acknowledgment of the gift or the Giver, faith is without foundation.

you might say we never faced any real problems, so no solutions were needed, or the solutions didn't require miracles. maybe so, but then about 80% to 90% of our problems aren't real anyway. just products of our fears because we don't control every facet of our lives. if we did, we'd feel so secure, we'd have no worries.

but the 10% - 90% of our problems are very real, totally beyond our control. our health deteriorates, we lose our wealth, things that brought us a feeling of security fail us. we realize that despite our intelligence, our money, our talents, even our good looks, we are helpless in the face of what's out there. that's when we look to miracles. that's when i turn to God.

my health issues last year brought me awareness of my Lord. i've gotten over my cancer with His healing. this year, my health problems are no less threatening with two blood clots in my brain. but i worry less about my health these days because i've learned to entrust it to the Lord. this year, i'm learning to leave the rest of my life up to Him, without abdicating my responsibilities. it's a comfortable feeling that reduces my fears.

and that's life as benjie, getting over anxiety with generous helpings of faith.

oh, about the generator. we got it working at half the estimated cost of the maintenance engineer, though it it still look 3 weeks to get all the needed parts from bulacan, novaliches, and p. florentino st. it's working very well and easily handles the load of 4 welding machines.

Life on the diet lane

i've been home for 5 days now. it's been 5 days of eating, sleeping, and drinking at least 2 liters of water a day. that's to keep flushing out my kidney.

oh, i've also been monitoring my blood sugar count, first 4 times a day, then down to just twice a day. my count varies from about 110 - 120 in the mornings and up to 130 - 175 in the evenings. not great but i'm proud of not taking sugar, just splenda tho not too much of that either. salt too for that matter. if i use it at all, it's about 30 grains of salt for a meal.

so what's life been like on the diet lane? surprisingly, not as bad as i thought it would be. i dreaded living without salt, patis, bagoong, taba ng baboy, bacon, chicharon, chocolates, Sugarhouse Turtle Pie, Aristocrat Crema delos Reyes, and other goodies, but it's turning out to be not that difficult when you're aware of the consequences. for someone who didn't just like salty foods, but needed to taste the salt in every bite, that's saying something.

this evening, we had nilagang baka, which we usually eat with fish bagoong, sauteed in lots of garlic. i asked for the bagoong and just took a big sniff of it. good enough for me. last night, i did the same with the chocolates my children had for desert. i had wedges of dragon fruit, a gift from samantha, a friend of the family.

my meals are usually broth with leafy vegetables and fresh fish or meat w/o the fat, seasoned with onions, ginger, basil, lemon, and pepper. my favorite vegetables are broiled fat tomatoes, large white onions, and bell peppers with basil, oregano, lemon or kalamansi, and pepper.

for my meat, i usually like broiled pork, with the fat trimmed off, chicken with the skin removed before cooking, and beef, with lots of chili sauce or chili flakes. i usually have fish with my soup. the other day, i had sap-sap soup. it was delicious, but difficult to eat because of the small spines. worth it though.

next week, i'll ask for broiled fresh fish. i hope my favorite, hito.  also some broiled squid. i'd love to have crab and shrimps, but i'm allergic to them. not too bad an allergy, just itchiness in my lips. but in my condition, why chance it? i can wait.

my fresh garden salads are seasoned with lemon or with a little balsamic vinegar. as my brother, marlo, pointed out, i should use the other varieties of vinegar we have in the phils. that should add flavor and variety to my salads.

which ties in to an article i was reading yesterday about celebrity chef, ming tsai, of 'east meets west' on the lifestyle network. he was here recently for a visit, and he was surprised at the many kinds of vinegar we have. (http://showbizandstyle.inquirer.net/lifestyle/lifestyle/view/20090429-202195/Ming-Tsai-asks-for-chicken-adobo. unfortunately, this article seems to be an abridged version. the newspaper version had a longer portion on ming tsai's awe at our vinegar varieties.)

all in all, i've enjoyed the food without the salt and the sweets. i'm starting to realize that there's a whole lot of herbs, condiments, and things we can use to flavor our food. salt, patis, and bagoong are great, but they're not the only things we can use for flavoring.

anna j.o. says i can also have leche flan using splenda. must try that soon, but with skimmed milk.

it's been pretty good eating i must say. i've regained my appetite. i think i'm even eating a bit more now, tho healthy foods in controlled portions. i'll have to start light exercises next week if i don't want to regain the 15 pounds i lost.

i started going to mass last thursday. today, i was even able to attend a 2-hour parish pastoral council meeting with cardinal rosales. the pain from my wound didn't bother me as much as i thought it would. i had forgotten to take a pain-killer, but didn't really need it.

tomorrow, cris and i are having dinner with the cardinal in our parish. i don't know what they'll serve, but i don't think i'll partake much of the meal. i'm sure the food will have much of the delicious things forbidden to me, so i'll pass. that's the problem with dieting in the phils. there are so many instances of friends or clients giving meals, it can be embarrasing to turn down the food and explain my illness. have to think of how best to do that.

i'd appreciate any advice about healthy diets from you if you have any. recipes will be very welcome too. to my doctor friends, i won't ask you for medical advice on the sketchy info i'm providing in my blogs, but would like to hear stories and anecdotes about friends or patients in the same situation i'm in. everything you say will be studiously analyzed and referred to my doctors before applying them to me.

to those who are shy about giving your real names, i don't mind if you use aliases. i will probably know who you are by the things you say and the way you say them. besides, what you say may benefit not only me, but others who read my blog.

ps. bob s, it's great to hear from you after all these years. please keep in touch. i've been trying to reach you for so long. regards to alice, and to flora.

The beginning of the rest of my life

11 days, countless bouts of incredicle pain, 1 major operation, several tests, 1 less kidney, innumerable pledges of support and prayers, and a few realizations later, I'm back home. It has been a personal journey for me, with Cris constantly by my side.
I do not wish to speak of the pain I felt, for there was considerable pain. Perhaps it will be enough to say that simply being able to urinate was such a relief that it brought tears of joy. Fear was a constant that was blotted out by the pain. Even the fear of a major operation was unable to dampen my hoped for release from pain.
I've lost one kidney, but doctors say we are able to live well with just one, if we take good care of it. I plan to.
The tests aren't over yet. We're still awaiting the results of other tests. This time, there is no pain to make me forget the fear, so it is there. Something I will have to learn to live with and deal with.
Now, for the more important realizations I've had during this journey.
Realization #1: We are not indestructible.
Since my youth, I have played games with my health believing that I would overcome all possible illnesses, recuperate from the wear and tear I placed on myself, and rebuild any damage I sustained. Now the lesson has been driven home painfully and frighteningly – Superman comes from Krypton; we are of the planet earth, without superpowers, subject to the frailties of our humanity.
I will not advise against vices, for I did get some pleasure out of them, but I will advice caution and judiciousness. Vices require us to pay a price, the very least of which is to regularly seek medical advice. When the doctors tell us it's time to pay the price for our 'good times', then do so readily and wholeheartedly. Nothing is free in this world, except God's grace.
Realization #2: Our time on earth is limited.
This is a corollary to #1. Early in my life, books I read taught me to live as if everyday were the last day of my life. In this way, we would value every minute of our time and use the minutes wisely. It is a lesson I thought I learned well, but now realize, never really did. I spent too much time on careless pursuits. Today I find so many things left undone, so many lessons not learned, and lessons learned but never shared, so many people left unaided or uncared for, and much love left ungiven.
Value your time. There's too little of it to squander. Learn what you want to. Live your dreams. And most of all, share your life. Every life you enrich, enriches your own.
Realization #3: No matter what we think of ourselves, there are people who truly love us.
It does not matter much whether we are rich or poor, wise or foolish, good-looking or plain, people will love us despite our faults and shortcomings. I never considered myself as extraordinarily caring, or friendly, or helpful. In fact, many times I have been mean and hurtful to friends. Yet the outpouring of support Cris and I have received during this trial in our life together has shaken me. People do care for me, not because of what I am, but because of who they are.
I am humbled. Thank you.
Realization #4: Never take the love of a good woman or a good man, for granted.
For the same unknown reasons that people care for me, my wife Cris loves me. She has been by my side from the day we first went to the hospital and has taken care of me most lovingly and patiently. Her patience was greatly tested by my irritability especially right after the operation. I would ask her to raise the head of my hospital bed, and in the next instant, tell her to lower it. I asked her to massage by back first, gently, then, more vigorously, only to shout at her when her touch would trigger pain in my wound. She asked for prayers when I could not, or would not. (Remember, I did not think anyone would care enough for me to pray, except my close family and a few friends.) She would fetch things for me and even emptied my urinal when the nurses were not around.
To put things into perspective, Cris until recently, efficiently headed an ATM consortium. She is currently a highly-valued consultant for a conglomerate. Her advice is much sought-after and heeded, by presidents and top officials of banks and other companies. She has proven herself a success in her chosen field.
Yet, she has also chosen to serve me with great concern and humility. If that isn't love, then it doesn't exist. And I can only respond with a simple, heartfelt, “I love you too, Cris.”
Realization #5: Prayers live out our faith.
During this time, I realized that prayers for others is a concrete realization of Christ's second commandment to love others as you love yourself. But unless one truly believes in God and in His love for us, our prayers lack faith and strength, and therefore will not be effective. So before we get to the second commandment, we must first live the first which is to love the Lord with all heart, with all our mind, with all our soul, and with all our strength. Your prayers for me have been effective, and so I know you live the two greatest commandments of God.
Please continue to pray for me, as we should pray for one another, for we all need prayers in our lives. I can think of nothing in our mundane, everyday lives that allows us to give glory and praise to our Father than our prayers for each other.
Realization #6: God is life.
Faith in God saves us. Being saved is not living forever, nor is it living without fear, or pain, or hardships. Being saved is being reunited with God. Faith will bring us there.
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Next week, the doctors will discuss the results of the biopsy of my kidney's mass with us. They've already warned us that the mass is most likely to be malignant. The results of the bone scan showed 'occult' traces of cancer cells. We've been asked to shop around for an oncologist.
There is fear and anxiety, but also faith and hope.
This journey of mine will go on. With Cris. With our children. With our extended family. With our friends. And with God.
Let us be thankful for the time we have together, and let us rejoice in our lives!