actually, i didn't read randy's lecture until just a few weeks ago. one of the reasons it didn't appeal to me before i got sick, was that i knew it was grounded on his dying of an incurable disease. although i loved to boast that i wasn't afraid of dying because of 'encounters with a yaqui indian' or more popularly known as 'don juan', carlos castaneda's experiences with a peyote-imbibing mexican sorcerer, and because of my Catholic faith. (how can you fear dying when it only means being reunited with the God you swear you love with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. those two factors taught me to accept death as a constant companion. yet truth to tell, i never wanted to turn to him and face him squarely in the face. i kept him at bay, beside me, but only in the periphery of my vision. so randy's lecture was not as inviting to me as it was to others.
when i finally gave in to ate aiding's urging and downloaded a copy of randy's 'the last lecture', i felt a distant closeness to him. 'distant' because i never knew him, yet close because of connections i saw between us.
obviously, we shared the same illness, tho he had pancreatic cancer, the most lethal of cancers, while i had renal cancer.
i didn't major in computer science because the course didn't exist in the phils when i was in college, but i did go into computer programming.
he was a professor, and i did some sort of teaching. he loved stuffed animals, and so did i: stuffed squid, lechon with paella stuffing, rellenong bangus, chicken galantina.
and we both were able to make some childhood dreams come true. mine didn't result in anything as world-changing or consciousness-expanding like his did – floating in zero-gravity, making virtual reality a reality (or is it, realizing virtual reality? or making real virtual reality?), creating new courses that challenged students to learn simultaneously in diverse disciplines - but i got some of my own humble, selfish dreams done just the same.
my list of dreams included: 1) living in europe. done, 9 months in bonn, 4 years in madrid. 2) hitchhiking in europe. oh, very well done! 3) living out michener's 'the drifters' in spain, and to a degree, in morocco. de puta madre, tio! 4) coming home to do my little bit to end the marcos dictatorship. rallies in ayala, including one where i faced down a gun-toting marcos supporter, and the big one on edsa.
randy doled out some valuable pieces of advice: 'brick walls' (problems) allow us banner our dedication. 'don't bail', 'show gratitude', 'don't complain. just work harder.', 'be good at something', 'work hard.' and one i never really bothered with in my life, until lately, 'find the best in everybody.' amen. amen. and amen.
because i started feeling this affinity with him, i wanted to follow him on his journey from the first phases of his illness to the end. i looked for his story and found 'randy pausch's update page'.
http://download.srv.cs.cmu.edu/~pausch/news/index.html
his journey started in early sept 2006, when he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. he had a successful operation that removed all the tumor. he found a chemotherapy treatment that gave him a 45% chance of living up to 5 years. previously, his doctors had given him a 10%-20% chance of lasting that same length of time.
he went to houston from philadelphia for his chemotherapy that took 2 months, from nov to end dec 2006 . then another 5-month session back in philadelphia from late jan 2007 to end april 2007. after that, all indications were great for randy. he survived the chemo sessions with minimal discomfort, although he was fatigued for periods at a time.
may 2007 was a great time for randy. he had finished his chemotherapy treatment; his ct scan was clear and his ca19-9 tumor marker level was 9, which in his words, was 'well within the normal range'. he was well enough to resume his biking. he was able to play flag football with friends after a long absence, and that was only 6 days after finishing his chemo! he and jai even celebrated their 7th wedding anniversary with their children at a resort where he rode a zip line.
then at the end of may, he has an mri exam at john hopkins hospital and discovers a cyst and other lesions. his cancer is back. he has vaccine shots to arrest the growth of the tumors. his treatments take him till the end of july. he gets his last vaccine shot on 23 jul and expects to be back every 6 months for booster shots. he writes, 'Interestingly, this marks the last thing I can do to help myself, which is a little unnerving. I'm channeling that anxiety into starting to hit the gym with real vigor - building my body up in case there are more surgeries or chemo down the road....'
on 26 aug, he gets devastating news. a ct scan reveals he has 10 tumors in his liver and smaller ones in his spleen. the doctors estimate about 3 – 5 months of relatively good health left. after that, they have no way of telling how fast the cancer will progress, but they say it will not be a good way to go. he settles on pallative chemotherapy which will buy him a few more months, but the chances even of that are only 15% – 20%. There is no doubt about the diagnosis. in about a month's time, he will give his 'last lecture' in carnegie-mellon.
in the next months, he goes out of his way to enjoy his remaining days. he and his eldest son, dylan, take a 4-day father and son trip to orlando, florida. the entire pausch family celebrates halloween dressed as 'the incredibles'. in early november, randy and jai take a vacation on their own in virginia, and get to meet sting and the police at a concert. jai is a big police fan.
in the following months, the pallative chemotherapy works and keeps randy strong enough to receive the numerous awards he is granted. he is also commissioned by hyperion, the publishing arm of disney, to turn his 'last lecture' into a book. he works with the pancreatic cancer action network (PanCAN) to drum up funds from private donors and congress for research. he goes scuba diving in the cayman islands.
and most thrilling of all for randy, he is cast in the movie 'star trek: the future begins'. he has a very brief speaking part, but got to keep his own star trek uniform. how's that for making dreams come true?
in early march, randy receives a bit of good news and some bad news. the growth of his tumors seem to have been held in check. however, he has started to suffer from the side effects of his treatments. his chemo drugs have become too toxic for him. his kidneys are functioning at 50%; his blood pressure is up to 200/100. in addition, fluid is suspected in his abdomen which pushes against his lungs and heart, making it difficult for him to sleep on his back.
he is hospitalized and a needle tap is done to draw fluid from around his right lung. the fluid in his left lung is left to be treated with diuretics. he is very weak the whole month of march, but bounces back slightly in april, ready to do battle again.
then, good news! 'the last lecture' is launched and is an instant success. diane sawyer does a talk show on it. great stuff.
on 18 may, he and jai attend the carnegie mellon graduation. a couple of days later, he starts a new chemo treatment. a week later, he starts vomiting and has high fever. the chemo doesn't work. new drug combinations have to be tried.
on 26 jun, randy writes that he continues to recover, albeit very slowly. his ca19-9 level which started at 9 in jun 2007, then went to 94 in feb a year later, to 216 by the end of mar 2008, and then at 634 by mid-may, is now at 1400.
randy dies on 25 jul 2008. given 3 – 5 months to live 12 months earlier, he beats the odds. sadly though, he never reached his goal of 5 years.
my own journey started on 16 april, when i was hospitalized. on 23 apr, i had my radical nephrectomy. in simple terms, i had my right kidney removed because a mass had imploded causing me to piss blood. biopsy on the mass confirmed that it was a carcinoma.
a bone scan conducted previous to the operation, while i was waiting in the hospital for the urologists to arrive from a conference abroad and had really nothing to do, showed that the cancer had probably spread to my left lung and my right clavicle, down to my right arm. a subsequent ct scan showed the same thing. an mri done about 1-½ months later confirmed the bone scan and ct scan findings. the diagnosis was that my right bone structure had “osseous metastasis”. that's what traditional western medicine equipment said. traditional western medicine statistics said i had barely 6 months to live, maybe 2 years if i took the 'right' medicines.
when i consulted my alt med guide, he told me i did have slight traces of cancer cells in my left lung, but that the findings in my right upper bone structure was caused by osteoporosis, not by cancer, tho it had almost the same effect. my bone density was compromised and my bones were brittle; subject to fracture if i wasn't careful.
he said i could cure the cancer with his guidance. i could be free of cancer in 6 months my chances of success? 100% if i followed the protocol religiously. i couldn't help but like those odds. i liked it even more that he was giving me control of my treatment, my health, and my life. he spoke frankly saying that he woudn't be able to cure me. only i would be able to.
and you know about my conversations with God. He gave me the faith and the courage to make my choice of going with alternative medicine. 4 months on, i'm swimming 18 laps, i still drive myself around. (i'm not bed-ridden, nelia.) i function well. and hey! i look great at 160 lbs. my thick, wiry hair has even turned fine and soft. cris and nanay say it's because of my raw vegan diet.
if i had taken the 'gold standard path, i'd be down, net, about p500,000, be nauseous, feel weak, and really scared shitless, all thanks to the 'gold standard' drugs.
i don't mean to say that taking the western medicine path randy took is wrong for everyone, it's just not for me. but i do want to stress that my gratitude belongs more to God than to alternative medicine. He is the Healer.
i loved randy's 'last lecture'. he was intelligent, witty, informative, and above all, brave. yet it bothered me that in his whole lecture, not once did he mention God. his only reference to the spiritual was when he said at the start that he wouldn't talk about spirituality or religion, then joked about having a deathbed conversion and buying a mac.
even in his update page, the only mention of anything relating to God was after more tumors were found in his liver and was given only 5 more months of good health, he thanked carnegie-mellon, his church, his friends, and his family, in that order. even then, no mention of God.
i believe randy believed in God, but like most men of science, he seems to have believed in science more. he believed he had the best doctors in the world, and if you believe that you have 'the best doctors', then how can you look for other alternatives? science gave him 3 – 5 months of good health, and he believed. science told him chemotherapy is the best treatment available, and he believed. science said he had a 15% – 20% chance of lasting 5 years, and he believed. and you know what? what he believed came to pass.
i had a conversation recently with a friend of mine along the same line. the conversation went, 'we have very good doctors who have been taking care of us very well. but when the day comes that they tell us there is nothing more to be done, then we'll just have to give up.' it saddened me because when people say there is no longer any hope, that's when you should start to hope, simply because there is nothing left but giving up.
so, do i have any lessons learned? nothing nearly as profound as randy's. only this one – never give up!
whatever you encounter in your journeys, whatever obstacles, whatever hardships, whatever life throws at you. duck! then, move on. don't bail. don't stop. don't give up.
and that's life with benjie these days, enjoying your company on this journey of life, tho on different pathways.
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