overcoming anxiety

i only know of only one character in the whole world who is anxiety-free; alfred e. neumann, the "what, me worry?" guy of mad magazine. on the other hand, there's good ol' charlie brown, who worries that even the sky will fall on him.

in between these two are you, me, and the rest of the world. we worry about our health, our wealth; our parents' conditions, our children's future, our friends' loyalty, and the enmity of others. we fret about our jobs or the lack thereof. we agonize over both our future and our past, which we would change if we could.

we deal with our anxieties in different ways. we seek relaxation through yoga or massages. we escape in tv, movies, social \networking sites, and video games. we sweat out our tensions in sports. we turn artistic and play the guitar or the piano, or we dance, or write a poem. we succumb to our dark side with drugs, alcohol, and other vices. in times of desperation, we turn to a God we may or may not fully believe in, but who we hope will help us just the same.

in may of this year, cris and i had our 4-1/2 storey house (half the house was 3 bedrooms one on top of the other, all over the garage; the other half, a single level with living room, dining room, kitchen, and another bedroom and bathroom.), torn down. we started the construction of a real 4-storey apartment building.

a construction project is a journey through unknown perilous territory. most mornings, i'd wake up bright and early, full of hope and excitement about the anticipated progress for the day, but almost before i finish my breakfast, problems rise up to darken our day.

for example: one fine day while the old house was being demolished, our foreman came to report that the wrecking crew had knocked a hole in our neighbor's downstairs wall.

instant nightmare visions of an irate neighbor demanding reparation. "rebuild my wall at your expense, or else!" anxiety attacks the body! the heart palpitates, the temper rises. the stomach rumbles, the head aches, the vision blurs, the blood pressure shoots up, and the voice drops to a growl. "you knocked down the neighbor's wall!?"

at times like these, there's no time for yoga. sports would be inappropriate. and you feel more like beating up someone with your guitar, or better yet, your piano, than playing him a tune. so i aim a silent knee-jerk plea heavenward, "help!", without any expectation of a response.

i walk over to the site, my intestines all tied up in knots. i look at the damage, and see a hole in their downstairs bathroom wall, the size of my racing heart. after inspecting the damage carefully, our mason reports that the affected portion has no concrete hollow blocks. no hollow blocks, no wall. tiles were simply added to our wall. naturally, when we tore down our walls, the hole appeared on their wall. what a relief. it's not our fault after all!

but wait! we still have to explain things to our neighbor and hope he accepts the situation. what if he refuses our finding? what if he says his house was quietly standing there, minding its own business, when we messed with it?

but next day, the neighbor is very reasonable. he owns up to the mistake in their construction. he agrees to pick up the tab for the damaged wall.

at another time, we needed to buy the 2nd-hand steel beams for our place. the beams were in a warehouse in valenzuela. the agent, whom i had met only once before, told me over the phone that we had to pay a reservation fee for the steel beams so they would hold the beams for us. ok, no problem. the reservation would have to be paid in cash. no problem. deposited to their bank account. waaiiittaminute. and what proof would i have that i paid them money? the deposit slip of course. and what proof do i have that they owe me goods in return? well, you get a provisional receipt once they see the deposit slip. oh, really, nellie? i haven't even seen the beams yet, nor have i met the owner. well, that's just the way it works, boss.

fine! here's the plan. i leave at 930am, probably get there by 11 latest; deposit the money at the bank a few hundred meters from their office, and rush to their office for my receipt.

only, the best plans get waylaid by metro manila traffic, especially approaching noon time in valenzuela. i was able to meet my agent at 12:10. i say, "let's deposit the reservation fee, then go immediately to their office."

"actually, boss, it's their lunch break so we'll have to wait until 1pm. in the meantime, you're right, we deposit the money so we don't waste time, then wait for them to open up again. just hang on to the deposit slip."

oh, that's a great comfort! if i have the deposit slip, they can't withdraw the money, is that it?

the moment we enter the bank, anxieties begin to torment me. is this wise? am i being ripped off? i start with my silent prayers again. "oh, please God, help! protect our money. protect me from con men."

when i hand the money to the teller, she tugs at it but i don't let go. she looks up at me. i smile sheepishly and force my fingers to open up one by one. "God, bless this money that it may be used for its purpose." bye-bye, money.

i get the deposit slip and look at it forlornly. it's not as impressive as the blue bills i gave up. it doesn't even have my name on it to prove that it was once mine. "God, bless this deposit slip that it may bind the steel owners to our transaction."

we have to wait for their office to open. do we have lunch somewhere while we wait? not on your life. i park the van right at the gate. forget the food. i'll eat the steel beams when i see them. "God, help me keep my sanity while we wait for the gates to open."

finally, finally! FINALLY!! it's 1pm! the gates open and we are allowed into the sanctum sanctorium. the place is a huge 1,000 sqm warehouse packed with different kinds of steel products. my fears are appeased. the deposit slip goes to the office and out comes the provisional receipt. ahh, relief. my fears subside, my heartbeat slows, and my stomach quiets down. i won't eat the steel beams.

an hour later, i whisper, "thank you, God!" gratitude is an afterthought.

a little later, we had to buy a 2nd-hand generator for the welding machines to be used in erecting the steel structure. my crew checked it out and the verdict was it was very good, with only 120 hours logged in the meter, it was practically unused. it looked so good, they didn't even bother to start it.

we got it back to the construction site and did a detailed inspection. several parts were missing - the motherboard for the electric gauges, the oil pump, a few other things. my crew assured me, these were minor problems.

minor! MINOR? the thing won't start! that's not minor. for the amount we paid for it. that's a major disaster.

we decided to get a maintenance engineer from the distributor of the generator brand to conduct a thorough assessment. between the time we called the guy and the time he came, a week passed by. i wasn't too worried because i was told there were lots of spare parts for this model.

the engineer came and conducted his assessment. he reports to me. "boss, it'll take a month and half again of your purchase price to get it running." A MONTH!? the parts have to be sourced from singapore, boss. AND ADDITIONAL HALF OF THE PURCHASE PRICE!!?? singapore dollars, boss, with conversion fees, transportation costs, import tariffs, "for the boys" in customs. you know how it goes, boss.

this time, an extreme anxiety attack is called for. i'm responsible for construction purchases. the money's been paid, the generator delivered, but it will take more money to get it working. more than the money, i worried about my family. what will happen to my children when cris finds out i screwed up big time, and wrings my neck? how will they take not having a father around?

buy some time. stall. don't mention this to cris. maybe a miracle will happen. "God, help! what do i do? where can i go? what will happen to me?" in the meantime, i lie awake in bed at night thinking of the inutile generator. every morning, i wake up hoping it was all a nightmare, and that the generator works. and then, i go out and see it sitting there, useless.

on an exceptionally despondent day, i frantically plead with God for a solution to the problem. He says, "have i let you down yet? have i been sleeping on the job? or do you think your frenzied ranting and worrying solved your problems? did your friends or your crew ? did your money buy you out of your predicaments?"

belatedly, i realized the pattern wasn't: problem,resolution; problem; resolution. something was missing. when problems appeared, solutions just didn't magically pop up. the pattern was problem-prayer-resolution; problem-prayer-resolution. the prayer after the problem resulted in the resolution. cause and effect. logical.

today, we still face other problems; diminishing funds, construction mistakes, missed deadlines. do i fret? do i worry?

of course i do! i haven't nailed down this complete faith and total surrender business down to where i no longer worry. i do. if i had faith the size of a mustard seed, i would tell the mulberry bush to be uprooted and plant itself in the sea , and it would. but i still can't do that, even if i happen to see a mulberry bush. i still have a way to go before my faith gets to be the size of a mustard seed.

st. paul says faith is believing in things yet unseen. your faith leads you to expect answers to your prayers. but expectant faith is only the beginning. earnest and immediate gratitude to the God who provides, closes the circle of faith. without an acknowledgment of the gift or the Giver, faith is without foundation.

you might say we never faced any real problems, so no solutions were needed, or the solutions didn't require miracles. maybe so, but then about 80% to 90% of our problems aren't real anyway. just products of our fears because we don't control every facet of our lives. if we did, we'd feel so secure, we'd have no worries.

but the 10% - 90% of our problems are very real, totally beyond our control. our health deteriorates, we lose our wealth, things that brought us a feeling of security fail us. we realize that despite our intelligence, our money, our talents, even our good looks, we are helpless in the face of what's out there. that's when we look to miracles. that's when i turn to God.

my health issues last year brought me awareness of my Lord. i've gotten over my cancer with His healing. this year, my health problems are no less threatening with two blood clots in my brain. but i worry less about my health these days because i've learned to entrust it to the Lord. this year, i'm learning to leave the rest of my life up to Him, without abdicating my responsibilities. it's a comfortable feeling that reduces my fears.

and that's life as benjie, getting over anxiety with generous helpings of faith.

oh, about the generator. we got it working at half the estimated cost of the maintenance engineer, though it it still look 3 weeks to get all the needed parts from bulacan, novaliches, and p. florentino st. it's working very well and easily handles the load of 4 welding machines.

here we go again!

gahds! it's so difficult growing old. you're forced to learn difficult new words now and then. last year, i learned about radical nephrectomy, renal cancer, metastasized cells, diabetes, and fasting blood sugar. towards the end of the year, there were retinopathy, amblyopia, and cataract surgery.

this year, the new words are blood clots, venal thrombosis, leaky valve, mitral valve prolapse, and blood coagulation. when will it ever end?

dec 2009. dr jimmy told me i was cancer-free; but had to continue my protocol for 6 more months to be cancer-free? no problemo!

april 2010. he said i could finally drop the raw liver from my diet, and cut down on the raw pork pancreas from 7 servings a day to just 3. maintenance medicine. well, alright!

then, i started to get cocky. i would cheat on my diet. nothing big; no red meat definitely. one day, a lick of vanilla ice cream. a week later, a bite of edam or gouda cheese. a few days later, maybe a small slice of chocolate fudge cake. then, store-bought baguette with margarine and cheese. and chocolate-chip cookies. and pancakes with maple syrup.

like any forbidden activity, it starts out small. when nothing tremendously bad happens, no lightning and thunderclaps, no loud booming voice from above saying, "hah! you cheat!", then you add a little more to the sin. the next day, a little bit more. until one day, you realize, what started out as cheating is now your normal, run-of-the-mill, everyday life. i'm sure you know how that goes.

this last may, i got involved with the ppcrv (parish pastoral council for responsible voting) in the country's 1st automated elections. on election day, i manned my post at a public elementary school a couple of blocks from our home, at 630am. it was a very busy day, and at one point, i had to run up and down 4 flight of stairs from my assigned poll precinct to the ppcrv information table downstairs, back up to the precinct, down to the 2nd floor to the principal's office, and up again. i stayed until 10pm, then had to go to another school building to manage a situation between a ppcrv member and a teacher who was the chairman of the electoral board of a precinct. it entailed running up 3 flights of stairs, down to the 2nd floor and up again (twice) and then back down again.

two days later, my right foot and lower leg had swelled up to a fourth more than its ordinary size. for those who don't know it, i suffered 3rd degree burns in my right lower leg more than 30 years ago, that almost left me crippled. at times,the leg gets tired and gets swollen, but usually, it lasts for no more than a day or 2. this time, the swelling didn't ease up, as i kept hoping it would.

late june, i finally decided to see dr jimmy. he muscled-tested my fasting blood sugar. at 131, it was much higher than is good for me. diabetes reared it's ugly head!

he instructed me to follow the diabetes protocol, and take all the listed supplements. he reminded me of my water and natural salt intake. and lastly, he told me to take the 6 siling labuyo with 2 saba bananas, some salt, and 3 glasses of water, 3 times a day.

i immediately followed all his instructions, except for the siling labuyo. my problem with that isn't how hot it gets. i can handle that fine. (note: i found out that drinking water immediately after eating the silis is a no-no. the water just moves the spiciness all over my mouth. i wait about 10 mins before i drink the water.) my problem is with the taiwanese labuyos. the native kind is just as spicy, but about a third the size of the taiwanese variety, and has a thinner skin. the taiwanese kind is thick-skinned and tastes like plastic. everytime i put the minced labuyos in my mouth, i cringe. so, i cheat again. instead of 3 times a day, i'm good for 2 times.

anyway, my right leg was still swollen. then, on my birthday, i went to renew my license (i barely passed the eye examinations!), when i tripped on the driveway of the land transportation office. i hit the ground with both knees, though i was able to cushion my fall with my left middle finger nail (which broke) and my right hand. there were no scratches on my knees, so, no big deal. i still got my license renewed.

a couple of days later, my left knee felt good again, but my right knee had swelled up too, and the swelling went down to my already swollen ankle. i let it be for another 2 days. then, i gave up.

cris called for an appointment with dr jimmy, but his schedule was full. as he sometimes did, he simply did long-distance muscle-testing on me.

the next day, yesterday, the family had just come from a chinese lunch on timog ave, courtesy of ponch, when dr jimmy's assistant, annie, called me on my mobile. i'm driving and she tells me, "dr jimmy says you have 2 blood clots in your lower right leg, 1 on your left leg, 1 at the top of your brain, and 1 at the back of your brain. and you also have a leaky heart valve. you need some new supplements." because i'm some cool dude, i didn't lose control of the van. i simply changed courses and headed back to dr jimmy's.

he was in consultation with a new patient, but he graciously stepped out to see cris and me. he confirmed what annie said over the phone, and added that the treatment with the new supplements would take 15 weeks, and gave me the dosages for each supplement. plus, the admonition to drink plenty of water and eat my daily ration of siling labuyo.

i went home. i did my internet research on blood clots and leaky valves, and learned all those wonderful new words that easily bring fear into the hearts (no pun intended) of ordinary mortals. now i know why my leg is swollen (and it's not just diabetes); why i sometimes run out of breath going up to the 3/f of our temporary apartment dwelling place; why i seem to be gaining weight despite my almost vegetarian diet; why i need frequent rests/naps during the day. good to know.

so, here i am again, back in full protocol mode; 3 in fact, 1 for diabetes, 1 for the retinopathy, and 1 for the heart problems. making sure i stick to my diet, though i still eat some things i shouldn’t, but i'm very conscious again that this is cheating, and it ain't good.

the title of this update is "here we go again", because you have been, and will always be, with me on the journey. we went through the cancer crises together, and Inshallah, we will get through this problem too.

and that's still life as benjie, having a midnight snack of my 3rd fix for the day of saba and taiwanese siling labuyo (i still can't stand that plastic taste!)

a year's new lease on life

(intro: i had just decided i had more things to add to this blog, so to refresh my memory, i looked at my file of old blogs and to my surprise, i found this old, unposted update. it should have been posted about 26 april 2010, the 1st anniversary of my radical nephrectomy, but somehow, it didn't. and it should.)

it sure's feels good to be alive instead of pushing up grass from a hole in the ground. whatever problems we face, however difficult your lives are, alive is still better than it's alternative.

if you don't think so, you felt death's cold breath on your nape as he comes calling. you haven't tried looking beyond a month's time and seeing nothing but darkness. you haven't held your spouse or your youngest (o r eldest, whatever) child, and thought that it might be the last time. you haven't woken up to a gentle sunrise, thankful that you're still there to see it. you ought to try it sometime. you'll gain a whole new perspective.

i'll admit i still have days when i get depressed, but doesn't everyone? it sneaks up on me and i begin to wonder whether i, and everyone else, wouldn't be better off if i weren't around.

and then i remember how scared i was just a year ago, when i learned i had renal cancer, and more so when it was said to have metastasized to my left lung and my right arm. talk about being afraid. how i prayed then - masses, visits to the Blessed Sacrament, service to the church whenever called upon, and more prayers every time i was alone and wasn't doing anything. how hard i worked at my healing protocol, sticking religiously to my diet, exercising even when i felt tired and just wanted to sleep, eating my raw pork pancreas and my raw beef liver.

i remember several friends and friends of friends who suffered their own journeys of illness, treatments, prayers, and are no longer among us. and those who struggled and are still struggling, but thankful to wake up in the mornings. some of them were mentioned in the healing prayers request section of this blog.

and i remember the gift of life i received from our Lord, along with the gifts of courage, hope, and love of family and friends. and i remember the joy of feeling the sun in my face, the cool evening breeze. i am glad to feel comfort n the pleasant company of friends. i revel in the service i am able to give my church and my God.

and i know i still like alive better than not alive. oh, i long for the company of my Creator, no doubt, but as long as He lets me live, i will be thankful. bad days are temporary, they will pass. i will not let them define my life.

in gratitude for the gift of the past year, i must acknowledge the support and devotion of those who, aside from the Lord, made the year possible.

• Cris, for always being there, never showing the slightest sign of faltering in her support; from the day i first felt pain, to the time we received news about the biopsy, to deciding about the treatment we would use, and through everyday that she had to help me with my protocol. when the oncologist mentioned the p248k/month medication, she bravely told to me that we could probably raise the money if we were sure the medicine would help. what a faithful and pretty liar my wife can be when she needs to be, though not a very convincing one.
• the mother and daughter tandem of Melds and Erica, for patiently preparing my raw pancreas and liver, vegetable salad, brown rice, blanched veggies, fresh fruit juices, and brewed coffee; constantly reminding me to eat properly; even preparing my baon when i have to have my meals outside.
• Ponch, Christo, Mikey, Jerome, Jeremiah, and Anne for just by being there, laughing and horsing around, at times even disappointing and angering me. the good times and the bad were all privileges of life.
• my vast family of brothers, in-laws, cousins, and aunts who provide food supplements, organic salt, walnuts, almonds, and pistachios, encouraging words of support, and valuable prayers.
• my friends who help out in countless ways from introducing me to alternative medicine, sending email that lift me up and cheer me on in the struggle, to gifts of kesong puti and buko pie and needed funds, to requests for blog updates that encourage me to share my journey.
• to my doctors in makati med who provided the first line of cure; even my oncologist had a part to play in the selection of my treatment.
• to dr dy-liacco for his protocol and patient consultations and advice; to dr bernardo for encouragement in using alternative medicine and showing new possibilities of healing medicine; and to annie, dr dy-liacco's assistant for her openness and willingness to help out.

i can't thank you all by name (i might use up my entire google allotment), but you know who you are, and you know how valuable your being with us on this journey has been. don't be too shy or too humble to acknowledge your contributions to my being here today. it would have been much more difficult without you.

so to all, my deepest gratitude for this extension of my life. i'll try to be worthy of your concern and active participation.

and that's life as benjie today, striving to live up to the value of family and friends.

dya get yer mail?

(Note: this update should have been posted 6 days ago, but my internet connection went on the blink and i couldn't upload it. who's my isp? globe telecoms.


have you ever had a friend text you or call you to ask you whether you got his email of yesterday or the day before or 2 days before, and have to say, "unnhhh. i don't think so. let me check."?

so, you check your mail, and sure enough, there's your friend's email among the dozens or hundreds you received and didn't even bother to browse through. we suffer from communications overload such that we miss the important messages among all the clutter.

God sends us messages in different forms, through different ways.

i remember the first time i had an intense experience of God's presence. i was driving along edsa towards cubao from the south. at around the greenhills area, near the intersection of annapolis, i looked out my window at the sunset, and i felt an unshakeable affirmation of His existence and His very presence in my life.

ok, so that was really at a long gone era when there weren't too many buildings along edsa and you could have a clear view of a beautiful sunset above manila bay. forget my age, the point being the experience of God in heaven.

the beauty of the scene simply struck me as too much of an accidental collection of molecules in the air reflecting sunlight, surrounded by circumstantial hills on the ground and clouds in the sky. the whole scene simply cried out for the existence of a Grand Designer. that evening, i believed.

at times, the message didn't arrive directly, but came through friends. once, i was asked to take a leadership position in our charismatic organization. i didn't want the responsibility. friends explained that the call to service didn't just come from the leaders in the community since it wasn't them i had to serve, but God.

it took weeks for me to see the call as a serious commissioning. but in quick succession, i accepted the worthiness of the message in light of God's wisdom, my worthiness in God's love, the worthiness of my friends as conduits of God's voice, and so, took leadership role. once you take that first step, the rest, as they say, is a walk in the park.

sometimes, God sends His messages using signs or indications in our surroundings. i have friends who would need guidance about a plan they had. they would ask God for a sign that He gives them permission to go ahead. usually, it involved flowers - carnations, orchids, or roses, with roses being the runaway favorite, in various colors. i've never heard anyone ask for pink tulips though. it's so rare in the phils that people probably won't test God to that extreme.

i never got flowers as a go-ahead sign. i once asked for a dozen red roses the following day as confirmation. the next day, no red roses, not a one.

but sudden loud noises, those i used to get a lot of. i'd lift a request up to God, and for confirmation, immediately, ka-blam all over the skies above me! i would take the thunder as my confirmation. but i realized that noise wasn't a very precise indication of God's will.

if the thunder sounded far away, is that for me, or for someone closer to the thunder? is that irritating clatter my confirmation, or did the cook simply drop her pan? is that deafening air horn for my benefit or did the 18-wheeler just miss a dog? i could never be sure most of the time, so i just gave up on loud noises.

although there are serendipitous times when an important message makes use of all available avenues.

as you well know, on this date last year, i was admitted to makati med because i had pissed bright red blood the previous day. i was immediately scheduled for removal of my right kidney. unfortunately, all the urologists who could perform the operation were out of the country attending a conference. the only available urologist was a child urologist (not a urologist who was a child, silly, but a urologist for children) who was going on vacation the day after my expected operation. he declined to perform the operation because the operating doctor should oversee the recuperation of the operatee. logical. there was nothing to do but to wait for the adult urologists to come home. i had to stand the pain of clogged catheters. when the passage of urine through the catheter got obstructed because of dried blood, which would happen every 3 hours or so, i would have to wait for the operating room resident for up to 2 hours to come declog the catheter. let me tell you, that waiting period was an unending series of painful spasms.

so, message #1, by indication of circumstances: you can't always control the circumstances of your life. at the most critical times, you could find yourself totally helpless.

after the operation, we had to wait a couple of days for the results of the biopsy. they told cris and i that the removed mass was carcinoma. the roof fell on me! the doctors gave scant cheer because they immediately went into psychological upliftment mode. you know, that's when they say things such as, "don't worry about it now. talk to the oncologist first." don't worry??!! you say 'talk to the ONCOLOGIST' and i'm not supposed to worry now? but it'll be okay to worry after i see the oncologist, yes?

message #2, still by indication of circumstances: when the bottom falls off, you realize just how low you can get, and you immediately think, GOD! and He says, "i'm here. i'm always here for you."

out of the hospital, i googled renal cancer, and learned that it neither responded to radiation nor to chemotherapy. the only prescribed treatment was medication which might prolong your life, but there was no mention of the patient's getting cured.

we finally got to see the oncologist. and he said, "go ahead and worry. you really have cancer." gee, thanks a lot for nothing, doc. he added, "in cases like these, i advise we go with aggressive treatment." aggressive to him meant using medication which would cost p248k a month. after one month, we would stop being aggressive and go passive since we would have to wait 2 weeks or so to see how i responded to the medication.

if it reduced the cancer or something like that, great. we'd continue with aggressiveness for another month, then passiveness for another month, then aggressive, passive, aggressive, passive, aggressive, presumably until i either ran out of money, or got miraculously cured (which the medication didn't promise), or simply bade goodbye to this cruel world.

cris and i went to mass soon after speaking with the oncologist. after mass, we met an old and dear friend, tita daphne. old, as in duration of friendship, and not her age.

message #3, relayed through a friend: try alternative medicine. a friend of her husband had cured many cancer patients which his protocol.

the reception of the message was loud and clear because it was delivered by a friend belonging to our old charismatic community; it came right after mass, on church grounds; and because i wasn't satisfied with what the oncologist said, it found in me a ready listener.

i didn't want an extension of 6 months on my life; i wanted my whole life back. i didn't want to spend all that money on a treatment that may or may not work. and most important, i didn't like the feeling of helplessness i felt at the hands of the oncologist. "there's nothing you can do. no amount of exercise will help. you must leave your life entirely in my hands. i'll try my best to give you a few more months to live." to h___ with that. i wanted to get well, and i wanted to be an active participant in my getting well. i had to be able to do something to help myself, following the old saying, "God helps those who help themselves."

tita daphne arranged an immediate consultation with dr dy-liacco even though he was fully booked and was scheduled to go out of town in 3 days. we went to his place on a sunday, and we waited for an hour and a half to see him because he had gone to mass.

message #4, through signs/indications: i could trust this doctor. he not only believed in God, but he practiced his faith.

i began to feel very good about consulting with this alternative medicine healer whom i had yet to meet. when he got home and began our consultation. the first things he said were, 1) i will not heal you. you will have to work to heal yourself. you will have to follow the protocol to get well. i won't be there to look over your shoulder; 2) all healing comes from God, so pray.

message #5, through a new friend: God is the Healer. you are in His hands. have faith. you will be healed.

as he explained the protocol to me, i began to feel very comfortable with him. he not only told me in detail what i had to do, he explained what each and every step was for, and how the supplements would work in my favor. i needed to exercise. i needed to sun myself because i needed vitamin d. (forget worrying about your complexion.) with all these, i would rid myself of cancer. he was always sure on my being healed, if i followed the protocol. there was no hint of uncertainty, nor was there a possibility of resorting to trial and error. nothing like, "let's try this first. if it doesn't work, we can try another." i liked his confidence.

finally, message #6, the most powerful message since it came straight from God: I am the Healer. all healing comes from me. whether you choose traditional western medicine or alternative medicine or faith healing, as long as you believe in Me, you will be healed.

the complete message was driven home through various means, at different times. the individual messages were all simply stated. they were compelling because of their impeccable timing and the supportive circumstances of their delivery.

watch out for your messages. God speaks to you, and you never know from which side the messages will come at you. be sensitive, be discerning. be in acceptance of His love.

and that's life as benjie today, thankful for God's wonderful messages this past year.

you've got mail

you've got mail from Him. do you have time for it?

whenever we receive email messages from friends, we eagerly open them, impatient to find out what they have to say. yet when we hear about receiving messages from God, two things immediately pop up in our minds - saints and lunatics. we never see ourselves as saints, and we definitely don't want to be thought of as crazy, so we simply flip off those messages from on high.

if there's anyone who's messages are worth reading, that's Him. we call Him Lord, and Provider, so there are no blessings that don't come from Him. we call Him the Healer, so there is no healing without Him. we call Him Messiah, so there is no redemption without Him. it simply makes sense for us to listen to whatever He has to say.

yet we usually don't want to listen to what God has in mind for us. we're so sure of ourselves and our control over our lives that before we come before Him, we've already made up our minds about what we need. then we pray for the Lord to grant our wishes. God as Santa Claus.

last december, i attended a recollection run by a contemplative nun. her religious order's special charism is praying for people's petitions. (question: if she's contemplative, what's she doing running a recollection and talking? answer: her purpose was to teach us about listening in prayer.)

she told this story: one day, a lady came to their convent. she was quite young, in her late 20's. she had a good career going. she was happily married, and had an 8-year old child. her problem was that according to her doctors, she was suffering from a terminal illness. she didn't want to die and leave her family behind. she asked that she be healed so she could get on with her life.

before praying for any petitioner's intentions, the standard operating procedure of the nuns is to first pray for discernment on the will of God regarding the person's concerns. they never presume to know what is best for the petitioner, or that what the person asks for, is what God has in mind for the petitioner. after the congregation prayed about the lady's problem, one nun spoke and revealed the message she received. the woman, who had asked for healing, should instead prepare for her death.

bummer! not the kind of message you would run to the petitioner with. how could they tell her that God would not allow her any more time on earth, that she would have to leave her husband and her 8-year old child? instead of passing on the message right away, the nuns prayed that the lady would find peace in what God had in mind for her. before the woman could come back to the convent, the nuns received word that she had indeed passed away.

these are the messages we don't like to hear. we happily welcome good news. we don't even want to hear them; we just want to see them happening. to limit the chances of getting any bad news, we come before the Lord with a prepared list of needs and wants. anything not on the list, is out of bounds. God should stay within the boundaries of the list. when He does speak but doesn't mention anything in the list, it's just white noise to us.

what? did He say something? i didn't hear Him say anything about the items on the list, so, maybe it was just the wind.

we don't really expect Him to say anything anyway. we just wait for Him to fill up our grocery bags with the items on the list. we petition Him on our knees or prostrate ourselves on the floor or whatever position we deem will get us the best results.

maybe we've got this whole prayer thing backwards. maybe He already knows what's best for us and that's what He will give us. chances are, we never thought of that thing, and it isn't on our list at all. perhaps that's what jim morrison of the doors, meant when he screamed, "you cannot petition the Lord with prayer!" we have to listen to what He has planned for us instead.

but that's the trick, isn't it? finding out what God has in store for us personally? wouldn't it be great if we were given 3 easy steps to God's mind? 3 steps it is, but each one is anything but simple and easy.

1.find a place where you can meet your Maker.

remember this is the Big Kahuna (or Kahuni, whichever), the One, the Only, God the Almighty. approach Him with reverence and awe. leave your brains and ego at the door. they'll only get in the way.

2.thank Him for deigning to see you, then listen!

after saying "thank you", shut up. be quiet. be silent. be still. anymore words from you will jam up the communication channels. what He has to say is more important than anything you could.

this will be difficult if you're not used to listening in earnest, but don't give up. keep at it. your patience and humility will be rewarded.

3.accept His message, wholeheartedly, completely, fearlessly.

if He says something pleasing, great! but if the message is something you don't want to hear, take heart. if it's from Him, it must be good for you.

you might ask, "how do i know it's from Him?" i ask you, "whom did you approach?"

it takes a lot of discernment to know God's will. it takes even more courage to accept it. maybe it isn't in God's plan for you to pass that exam you've been studying for, or to get that high-paying job. maybe that man or woman, you want to marry, isn't the one for you.

when we don't get what we ask for, major disappointment! we begin to create scenarios in our minds to explain the absence of the desired response.

anger: is God listening to our prayers? does He care? is there even a God? yes, He is. yes, He does. yes, there is

guilt: i'm not deserving of His blessings. i've sinned. i don't pray enough. He created you, you deserve His blessings. you've sinned? He sent His Son to redeem us all. not enough prayers? some say you can't petition the Lord even with good works. everything comes to us from His grace.

consolation: maybe God has something better planned for me. maybe He really wants me to have my wish, but not at this time. maybe's don't cut it. don't guess! find out what His will for you is.

unfortunately, it often becomes less a matter of discerning God's will than His discerning ours; less a matter of our submitting to His wisdom than His submitting to ours. we know what's best for us. He should just listen and act.

yet, it is us who need the reverence to listen to Him; the wisdom to understand His message; the courage to accept it; and the fortitude to live it out.

knowing God's will, and living according to it, allows us to remain in harmony with Him. being in harmony with Him, the world is spared our negativity.

and that's life as benjie today, striving for a harmonious existence in and with God. join me?

Now, what do i do for an encore?

a week before our family went on christmas vacation, i visited dr jimmy to get some food supplements. since he didn't have any visitors at the time, i was able to see him briefly to inquire about my condition. as usual, his first question was, “how do you feel?” i told him i felt quite good.

he then asked me if i was muscle testing myself. muscle testing is the technique he uses to diagnose his patients and select the right supplements and their dosages, for whatever ails them. it's really very simple, but a bit complicated to explain, and still harder to believe in. still, given the number of people dr jimmy has treated and cured, while the process may raise doubts, one cannot argue with the results.

cris and i have read the book of dr jimmy's mentor on muscle testing. we attended a day-long seminar on it. we've been practicing on ourselves and our family, but we haven't gotten the technique down pat quiet yet, though we intend to practice until we do.

anyway, what i wanted to say was that during that visit with dr jimmy, he did his muscle testing bit and pronounced me free of cancer, diabetes, infections, etc. he said i didn't have any abnormal cells in my left lung, nor in my right humerus, nor in my right clavicle, nor in my remaining kidney, nor in my pancreas, nor anywhere else in my anatomy. i didn't have any viral infections or unwelcome fungi, spermatozoa, or bacteria. i was indeed, healthy.

that was very welcome news. from a radical nephrectomy in april to diagnosed cancer cells in may to metastasized cancer in june, back then, i remember reading that people with osseous metastasis have an average lifespan of 3.5 months. and here i am in december, declared cured. thanks to God, the Healer; to God's medications, His natural foods; to God's instruments, dr kelley and dr jimmy; to God's caregivers, Cris, Melds; and to God's cheerleaders, my family and friends.

after withstanding the fright of seeing blood for urine; after living through the pain of being unable to urinate; after recuperating from having my right kidney removed; after accepting the fact of a raw vegan diet, spiced with raw pork pancreas and raw beef liver for the rest of my life; after battling renal cancer and osseous metastasis; after surviving all that, i found myself faced with a crucial question, “what next? what do i do for an encore?”

i've lived a convalescent's life for 8 months, spoiled and pampered by my family, prayed for and prayed over by friends, attended to hand and foot by cris. now i realize i can no longer milk that cow. i've lost the excuse of being gravely ill and in dire need of everyone's care and concern. This past months, my need to exist was taken for granted because probably i was at the point of ceasing to exist.

now, i am well. and nothing can be taken for granted. i face the prospect of once more, having to justify my existence. i never realized getting cured would be such a tough act to follow. Indeed, what next?

my more spiritually-minded friends would say i've been given a second chance for a reason. there must be something else i have to do, that's why i was allowed to live longer. but that's difficult to believe. why me, and not others? what have i got to offer that's so special?

on the first day of our family vacation in the province, i received word of the death of 2 friends on the same day. one, susan's brother, died of cancer at 38, after two years of fighting the illness. the other, prosy, also died of cancer, 11 months after being diagnosed. both were good persons, very religious, faithful in the Lord's service.

we normally ask, "why did he/she have to die? he/she was such a good person." when i was a child, a very close relative died, and i asked an uncle why that particular person had to die? his simple answer taught me more about death than anything or anyone else. he asked me, 'ok, if not her, then who would you pick to die?" ever since when i mourn anyone's death, i would remember that Q&A, and realize all over again the futility of the question.

getting back to my dilemma of coming up with an encore, i was already getting an idea that one of the things i could do was to share the lessons i learned from my experiences and the new information i've gained about wellness and health.

i received a confirmation of sorts when i learned last week that 2 college friends were also ailing. charlie was a cancer suspect, and decided to fly to singapore for a diagnosis rather than succumb to a biopsy. rey, confirmed with stage 3 lung cancer, opted for an alternative medicine treatment.

i felt that people would benefit from knowing how i selected a treatment and how i went through with it. they may or may not choose the same path i did, but the process would be similar.

so yes, i'll continue this blog. it's not quite the resounding encore i'd like for my life, but maybe, it's not yet time for an encore.

and that's life as benjie, hoping for a fitting encore, without knowing if it really is an encore, or just the next number in the program.

Hiding in the shadows

a number of you, faithful blog followers and friends, have wondered what happened to this blog; whether i'll ever update it again, and if so, when. for the past few months, my stock answer has been, “i'm working on it. i'm almost done with my latest post. watch for it next week.” but the weeks turned into months without any sign of an update.. my last update was actually on 22 sep!

to tell you the truth, i've been hiding.

when one is made acutely aware of one's mortality, as when you're diagnosed with cancer, (and sometimes, even when you're not), you battle more than just physical problems. there are demons and monsters messing you up from the inside. i have been plagued with brief spells of depression since may, but this last bout has been major, lasting more than a month.

some of you may also have had days when you just don't feel like getting up from bed. it takes the strength of a schwarzenegger to pry your eyelids open. then, you lie there unable to move, not even wanting to.

in that state, there is a question that may assault you incessantly. you try to push it away, but it won't go. “what for?” it asks, or a variant, “what's the use?” and it's almost impossible to come up with any good answers, because it's not the question that terrifies. it's the answer. “it's all for nothing. it's of no use whatsoever.”

mid-life crises (plural, because it keeps coming back) feed the demon depression. i feel my life's in a rut there's no getting out of. i believe drastic changes are needed in my life to make the birds sing again, and to perfume the air with a sweet aroma. i'd sorely like to feel young once more, with the world full of “what will be's”, instead of “what could have been's”; free of the baggage that a lifetime has loaded on my back.

i question my worth to the small world around me. i haven't made any money since early this year. it's all been cris, and she's been very nice about it. my illness had a lot to do with my inability to earn money. working at getting well uses up a lot of time. i get tired frequently and suffer my back pains. i have to take short naps during the day.

yet, i can't really blame the cancer, because i feel just fine most of the time, and when i'm doing something i enjoy, i don't get tired even if i'm at it the whole day.

not being the family provider bothers me. there are days i feel utterly useless. i seek redemption for my existence, but at 59, it becomes very hard to find any. during those days, it isn't the demon depression that rises up in me, but the monster anger; an intense, senseless anger, that makes me lash out at those closest and dearest to me – my children, more often, my wife – for no apparent reason.

one night, cris was late for supper, having come from a series of meetings the whole day with her colleague beth, who was scheduled to leave for the u.s. on a business trip. they had to pin down work that had to be continued while beth was gone. cris came in as we were clearing the table and she said, “i'm sorry!” to everyone, but she headed straight for me. before she reached me, with my back turned, i snapped, “no, you're not.”

i guess she was really tired because she reacted with anger, something she rarely does. “you're so unreasonable!”, she shouted. after a minute, she said, “beth is leaving!” the monster growls back, “do you want me to leave?” (stress on the “me”, dripping with sarcasm.)

she went ballistic; crying, screaming, wailing. i thought she was having a nervous breakdown. i have such an overwhelming effect on women, it's unbelievable. she told me i was unfair, demanding, and unappreciative. she even called me a brat! to be called a brat at 59 is mortifying. but she was right.

she cried till 3 am. the next morning, she had calmed down and felt sorry for the things she had said. i didn't feel she had to be sorry about anything because she called the shots correctly, but kept quiet. why give up an advantage. i didn't bother apologizing for my own behavior. brat nga eh.

so i was hiding from my inadequacies as a husband and a father, as well.

in blogging, one of the difficulties i have writing about myself is that i often have to walk a tightrope. when am i honestly proud of my accomplishments, and when do i boast? when am i simply being self-confident and when am i arrogant? am i merely explaining my actions, or am i apologizing for my failures? when do i drive home an important point, and when am i simply making noise? am i being interesting, or have i turned into an utter bore?

when i'm feeling good, i write and i beat back the demons of doubt and anxiety. but at times, they become paralyzing. there's just no writing anything at all, as in the past months.

obviously now, i've also been hiding from my authoring anxieties.

at times, the answer to the question, “what for?”, is taken to heart. that's when i don't care about anything anymore, and one of its manifestations is complacency. a couple of months back, dr jimmy told me that i was cured of my cancer, though i would still have to continue with my protocol (diet and treatments) for the entire 6 months. but i felt good and i was cured, wasn't i? i started cheating on my diet. i quit my regular swimming exercise. i gave up trying to sleep earlier than 11pm. result? i'm fine, but the saturated oils, sugar, and processed flour took their toll. i now weigh 10 lbs more than i should.

that's another thing i hid from, my responsibility to get well and perhaps in so doing, to inspire others to strive for healing too.

i was even trying to hide from God. one of the last times i visited the Blessed Sacrament, i told Him, “i'm here, Lord. is there anything You want to tell me? talk to me; i'm listening.” and in a tone of disappointment, i heard, “what for? you don't listen to Me anyway.”

shock! fear! “Lord, what're You saying? i listen to You!”. response: “you listen, but you don't obey. so what's the use of My telling you anything?”

i immediately knew what He was talking about. a year ago, He gave me a task to do. i've kept putting it off because of anxieties about doing the job well. so i went into hiding to keep out of His sight. that did as much good as adam and eve hiding in the bushes after eating the fruit of the forbidden tree.

but now, i'm starting to emerge again from the shadows. it was comfortable for awhile, but it sure wasn't living. from my experience and from what i've seen from friends who have been down, depression thrives in solitude. it is sustained by, and in, loneliness. so how do you pull yourself out of the doldrums?

there is a poem by edwin markham i remember from my youth. the first and the last lines remain foremost in my mind, though it is the 3rd line that gives meaning to the poem.

He drew a circle that shut me out
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout
But love and I had the wit to win;
We drew a circle that took him in.

when i'm depressed, i draw a circle to shut me in, and everyone else, out. inside the circle, i am by myself, i do not wish to be drawn out. i do not wish to be loved or cared for. i don't want to hear the usual proclamations of love and support from family and friends. it's not that i don't love them or care for them, in my depression they're simply part of the rut i'm trying to climb out of.

in the attempt to escape, a new guiding light to the promised land is desperately sought; a new job. a new career. a new home. sometimes, a new object of love to quicken the blood and stir up the emotions. whatever form it takes, the dream of redemption promises a different reality without the snags and hitches of the old one. any accompanying challenges of the new reality are optimistically easily surmountable, never mind that these are the same challenges previously confronted and were found to be overpowering.

the promised paradise is ephemeral; smoke and mirrors with neither substance nor reality. look closely enough with unblinkered sight, and it is the same old life, perhaps with a few minute changes here and there, which soon loose their luster, for they are mere illusions. the real challenges and the answers to them lie within each person, where there are no radical changes, but only acceptance of one's intrinsic realities.

i have been besotted by similar visions in the past, but i was fortunate enough to wake up before i believed the dream and forgot the reality; the reality of my family, my work, my friends, and my God. these make up the life i've built over the years. plodding ever forward through tears, pain, and unfulfilled dreams, yet revelling in the joys and triumphs; inspired by the love in everyone.

when you realize that the love is real and not just a promise; that the compliments aren't meant to massage your ego, but express true appreciation; that the reassurances aren't empty platitudes but express sincere companionship and care; then you paint the circle that draws family and friends in with you again. and you know there can be no better reality.

so now i've come out of hiding. but with no promises that i won't disappear again in the future. once in awhile, there is a need to hide if only to rest for a little bit, and to rediscover who you are and what really matters. the important thing is to re-emerge from the shadows and into the light.

and that's life as benjie, hiding for a time, but eventually seeking the light.

my deepest thanks to those who didn't lose faith in me and kept encouraging me to write again. sometimes, when i don't know what it's all for, i'm happy that you do.