(Note: this update should have been posted 6 days ago, but my internet connection went on the blink and i couldn't upload it. who's my isp? globe telecoms.
have you ever had a friend text you or call you to ask you whether you got his email of yesterday or the day before or 2 days before, and have to say, "unnhhh. i don't think so. let me check."?
so, you check your mail, and sure enough, there's your friend's email among the dozens or hundreds you received and didn't even bother to browse through. we suffer from communications overload such that we miss the important messages among all the clutter.
God sends us messages in different forms, through different ways.
i remember the first time i had an intense experience of God's presence. i was driving along edsa towards cubao from the south. at around the greenhills area, near the intersection of annapolis, i looked out my window at the sunset, and i felt an unshakeable affirmation of His existence and His very presence in my life.
ok, so that was really at a long gone era when there weren't too many buildings along edsa and you could have a clear view of a beautiful sunset above manila bay. forget my age, the point being the experience of God in heaven.
the beauty of the scene simply struck me as too much of an accidental collection of molecules in the air reflecting sunlight, surrounded by circumstantial hills on the ground and clouds in the sky. the whole scene simply cried out for the existence of a Grand Designer. that evening, i believed.
at times, the message didn't arrive directly, but came through friends. once, i was asked to take a leadership position in our charismatic organization. i didn't want the responsibility. friends explained that the call to service didn't just come from the leaders in the community since it wasn't them i had to serve, but God.
it took weeks for me to see the call as a serious commissioning. but in quick succession, i accepted the worthiness of the message in light of God's wisdom, my worthiness in God's love, the worthiness of my friends as conduits of God's voice, and so, took leadership role. once you take that first step, the rest, as they say, is a walk in the park.
sometimes, God sends His messages using signs or indications in our surroundings. i have friends who would need guidance about a plan they had. they would ask God for a sign that He gives them permission to go ahead. usually, it involved flowers - carnations, orchids, or roses, with roses being the runaway favorite, in various colors. i've never heard anyone ask for pink tulips though. it's so rare in the phils that people probably won't test God to that extreme.
i never got flowers as a go-ahead sign. i once asked for a dozen red roses the following day as confirmation. the next day, no red roses, not a one.
but sudden loud noises, those i used to get a lot of. i'd lift a request up to God, and for confirmation, immediately, ka-blam all over the skies above me! i would take the thunder as my confirmation. but i realized that noise wasn't a very precise indication of God's will.
if the thunder sounded far away, is that for me, or for someone closer to the thunder? is that irritating clatter my confirmation, or did the cook simply drop her pan? is that deafening air horn for my benefit or did the 18-wheeler just miss a dog? i could never be sure most of the time, so i just gave up on loud noises.
although there are serendipitous times when an important message makes use of all available avenues.
as you well know, on this date last year, i was admitted to makati med because i had pissed bright red blood the previous day. i was immediately scheduled for removal of my right kidney. unfortunately, all the urologists who could perform the operation were out of the country attending a conference. the only available urologist was a child urologist (not a urologist who was a child, silly, but a urologist for children) who was going on vacation the day after my expected operation. he declined to perform the operation because the operating doctor should oversee the recuperation of the operatee. logical. there was nothing to do but to wait for the adult urologists to come home. i had to stand the pain of clogged catheters. when the passage of urine through the catheter got obstructed because of dried blood, which would happen every 3 hours or so, i would have to wait for the operating room resident for up to 2 hours to come declog the catheter. let me tell you, that waiting period was an unending series of painful spasms.
so, message #1, by indication of circumstances: you can't always control the circumstances of your life. at the most critical times, you could find yourself totally helpless.
after the operation, we had to wait a couple of days for the results of the biopsy. they told cris and i that the removed mass was carcinoma. the roof fell on me! the doctors gave scant cheer because they immediately went into psychological upliftment mode. you know, that's when they say things such as, "don't worry about it now. talk to the oncologist first." don't worry??!! you say 'talk to the ONCOLOGIST' and i'm not supposed to worry now? but it'll be okay to worry after i see the oncologist, yes?
message #2, still by indication of circumstances: when the bottom falls off, you realize just how low you can get, and you immediately think, GOD! and He says, "i'm here. i'm always here for you."
out of the hospital, i googled renal cancer, and learned that it neither responded to radiation nor to chemotherapy. the only prescribed treatment was medication which might prolong your life, but there was no mention of the patient's getting cured.
we finally got to see the oncologist. and he said, "go ahead and worry. you really have cancer." gee, thanks a lot for nothing, doc. he added, "in cases like these, i advise we go with aggressive treatment." aggressive to him meant using medication which would cost p248k a month. after one month, we would stop being aggressive and go passive since we would have to wait 2 weeks or so to see how i responded to the medication.
if it reduced the cancer or something like that, great. we'd continue with aggressiveness for another month, then passiveness for another month, then aggressive, passive, aggressive, passive, aggressive, presumably until i either ran out of money, or got miraculously cured (which the medication didn't promise), or simply bade goodbye to this cruel world.
cris and i went to mass soon after speaking with the oncologist. after mass, we met an old and dear friend, tita daphne. old, as in duration of friendship, and not her age.
message #3, relayed through a friend: try alternative medicine. a friend of her husband had cured many cancer patients which his protocol.
the reception of the message was loud and clear because it was delivered by a friend belonging to our old charismatic community; it came right after mass, on church grounds; and because i wasn't satisfied with what the oncologist said, it found in me a ready listener.
i didn't want an extension of 6 months on my life; i wanted my whole life back. i didn't want to spend all that money on a treatment that may or may not work. and most important, i didn't like the feeling of helplessness i felt at the hands of the oncologist. "there's nothing you can do. no amount of exercise will help. you must leave your life entirely in my hands. i'll try my best to give you a few more months to live." to h___ with that. i wanted to get well, and i wanted to be an active participant in my getting well. i had to be able to do something to help myself, following the old saying, "God helps those who help themselves."
tita daphne arranged an immediate consultation with dr dy-liacco even though he was fully booked and was scheduled to go out of town in 3 days. we went to his place on a sunday, and we waited for an hour and a half to see him because he had gone to mass.
message #4, through signs/indications: i could trust this doctor. he not only believed in God, but he practiced his faith.
i began to feel very good about consulting with this alternative medicine healer whom i had yet to meet. when he got home and began our consultation. the first things he said were, 1) i will not heal you. you will have to work to heal yourself. you will have to follow the protocol to get well. i won't be there to look over your shoulder; 2) all healing comes from God, so pray.
message #5, through a new friend: God is the Healer. you are in His hands. have faith. you will be healed.
as he explained the protocol to me, i began to feel very comfortable with him. he not only told me in detail what i had to do, he explained what each and every step was for, and how the supplements would work in my favor. i needed to exercise. i needed to sun myself because i needed vitamin d. (forget worrying about your complexion.) with all these, i would rid myself of cancer. he was always sure on my being healed, if i followed the protocol. there was no hint of uncertainty, nor was there a possibility of resorting to trial and error. nothing like, "let's try this first. if it doesn't work, we can try another." i liked his confidence.
finally, message #6, the most powerful message since it came straight from God: I am the Healer. all healing comes from me. whether you choose traditional western medicine or alternative medicine or faith healing, as long as you believe in Me, you will be healed.
the complete message was driven home through various means, at different times. the individual messages were all simply stated. they were compelling because of their impeccable timing and the supportive circumstances of their delivery.
watch out for your messages. God speaks to you, and you never know from which side the messages will come at you. be sensitive, be discerning. be in acceptance of His love.
and that's life as benjie today, thankful for God's wonderful messages this past year.
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